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posted 5/25/2010 10:19:57 AM |
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I need some advice about a recent relationship of mine and I want to be sure that the right thing was done. To prevent bias, I'll use A and B instead of s/he and me or him. Ok... here goes.

A and B were dating... crazy about each other for the most part. They were picking out engagement rings and house shopping. There was talk of moving in together ASAP. One night A was talking to a previous friend with benefits. That FwB kept asking A to come over and "take care of things". To stroke FwB ego, A said they wanted to but couldn't. B stayed over at A's house that night, and "checked up" on A in the morning before work. B found this conversation and confronted A. A apologized, attempted to explain, and they worked on things for a few hours. When B left for work, everything was better. Not perfect, but better.
While at work... B changed their facebook relationship status to 'single' from 'in a relationship with A'. A read this and called B immediately. The ultimatum was given "Either we're IN a relationship, still committed to each other and working on things with some 'space' OR we're NOT and there is no chance we get back together. I can't do this back and forth bullshit. One or the other, pick." The choice was confirmed that A and B were IN a relationship and committed. That night A ended up staying at a friend (of the same sex)'s house. B said they were going to their cousin's house for a while then home to bed. At roughly 9:30 A's phone is being blown up by B. B states how much they love A, they are perfect for each other... no one else will do. B is going to buy the chosen engagement ring the next day. A is excited that this has blown over and they are right back where they started.
Two days later it's found out that the night B called A they had been with a previous FwB of their own. Oral favors were exchanged that night. A breaks it off with B, completely.

Now I know BOTH parties are in the wrong. Neither situation should have ever happened. B feels vindicated by their actions, to them both situations are the exact same. A feels they sorta cheated but the two situations are completely different.
Who's right?

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May 25 @ 10:27AM  
I don't know if that's fixable. Too much mistrust going on now. Will you both be either to truly go about a real relationship and truly give eachother 100% trust?? Or are you both gonna go about with this little inkling in the back of your heads?

May 25 @ 10:32AM  
Oh sunshine, I know it's OVER. I wouldn't go back for anything now. You're absolutely right about the trust. I just wanted to know if I was in the right for how I feel about it all. Thanks

May 25 @ 10:56AM  
I would say trust is pretty much gone at this point. When one partner starts throwing the ultimatum of "it's either he/she or it's me" out there....there's a problem. And that is trust isn't there anymore. And while a couple can come to an "understanding" and "agree it will never happen again"'s always going to be there, lurking, and in some future "debate" it could be used to throw at the other person.

I would say "stroking FwB's ego" was a bad move....but then again..this whole "checked up on" thing...what's that all about? One partner has to "check" the others messages?

I'd say this relationship is pretty much over. Too much mistrust/suspicion going on.

May 25 @ 8:15PM  
At the risk of being called an asshole, AGAIN, let me point out that unless partners work out the definition of their relationship before hand then said relationship is always going to be hanging in the balance. However, people ALSO have a tendency to lie and hide their true intentions and feelings. Both examples below really did happen to people in my life.

May 25 @ 8:16PM  
EXAMPLE 1: My ex-fiance had parents that were in an open relationship in the 60's and 70's. They has several partners in addition to each other. Both were under the impression that everything was cool. However, at one point my ex's mom decided to flex her possessiveness muscles and gave her husband an “it's-me-or-her” ultimatum. The guy was still in the middle of trying to figure out where the change of attitude came from when she took their only child and split. This left him with a broken family and child support for a girl he would never see. It left permanent emotional scars on their daughter. To this day my ex's mom will not explain why she did this.

May 25 @ 8:16PM  
EXAMPLE 2: While I was in an open relationship, I slept with a woman named Stephanie. Stephanie was single at the time. We had fun. The woman I was with had no problems with it. A year later, Stephanie met a man and fell in love. I had never met him. When he met me and she explained she had slept with me a long time ago the guy flipped out and made her feel miserable. Made her promise never to talk to me again. Three years later, Stephanie found out he had been cheating on her.

To be honest, I could have a laundry list here. I'm sure that there are quite a few people that could come up with their own. The lesson is, I guess, that until people tell each other the truth then there is no happiness.

May 25 @ 8:24PM  
Who's right? D.. the one who stayed at home and didn't go screwing their FwB's when they were working on a one on one relationship. I'm sorry but hmm no. Neither was really .. right. It sounds like a whole lot of lack of communication between the two parties about where they were in the relationship. An eye for an eye just makes everyone blind.

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