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Would You Take a Lover if Your SO Gave You the Okay to Do So?

posted 5/7/2010 9:51:26 PM |
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tagged: couples, marriage, relationships, life
  KitKat25

I was talking with a friend the other day who is happily married and still very much in love with her husband. However, her husband is severely disabled and unable to have sex. As such, because her husband realizes that she still has a very strong sex drive...and because he can no longer satisfy her sexual needs...he has given her permission to go outside their marriage and take a lover.

Well...this really got me to thinking about how I would react if I was in this exact same situation. What would I do? How would I feel? So...I thought I would pose this question in Blog Land.

So Pervia...Would you take a lover if your SO gave you the okay to do so?

Me? I could never do this. Why? Because I view marriage vows as being very sacred...and that you're in it for the long haul...through better or for worse...through sickness and in health...through thick and thin. Perhaps I'm being a bit naive...but this is how I honestly feel.

Your turn...

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Comments:

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StraddleMyNose

May 7 @ 9:57PM  
So Pervia...Would you take a lover if your SO gave you the okay to do so?
I can't do this. Call me old fashion or tradional, but I take wedding vows very seriously as well.
Wordsofwit

May 7 @ 9:57PM  
That is an emotional, personal issue based upon individual circumstances. I'll take a pass on saying any more.
PinkToeNails

May 7 @ 10:03PM  
In all honesty.... I would take my vows to heart and not ever take another lover.
sugarnspice005

May 7 @ 10:07PM  
I'm with Straddle and Pink on this.
justme4u

May 7 @ 10:17PM  
I know a couple that this had happened to and it all worked out fine. I dont know if I would be able to go through it though. The three of them did everything together and the third actually moved in with them.
alybai42

May 7 @ 10:28PM  
I agree with you,,And the other's.
RJ53

May 7 @ 11:23PM  
No I would not. I might buy a few extra toys though that we could play with together. The way I see it is that there is more to making love than just the act of having sex. I really do not see how the one who is disabled would not start resenting the other lovers even though they might not say so. If I loved someone why would I want to do something that might hurt them? JMO
1bunny629

May 8 @ 2:10AM  
I wouldn't...how would ya like it if you were the crippled one and your husband took a lover on the side? I wouldn't, couldn't...
longbow371

May 8 @ 2:23AM  
Sounds to me like a question more directed to the ladies, as that is the situation described.... BUT, my opinion for what it is worth, it depends on the strength of the relationship one is in. Given my own relationship, if I was put in that situation, I would go with it. However, the slightest hint that it wasn't working would change the whole thing.s
RJ53

May 8 @ 2:58AM  
This blog reminds me of this song from back in the 60s.

Ruby
Ewe_Wish

May 8 @ 3:07AM  
Damn if I aint going to be the different one AGAIN.........lol

First off let me say that until your in that situation, its easy to say no you would not..........but once you are placed in that situation the answer may be different........

My late husband and I loved each other very much, he was my best friend. When he went into the nursing home he knew that it would never be a case of him ever being able to come home. We sat down and talked and he knew I would never leave him, but he told me that I was to go on with my life, including if I met someone else that I was to go for it, all he asked that I never told him.

We as humans crave another humans touch if nothing more than just to hold someone. Make no mistake that when I went to visit Gary in the Nursing home I would crawl into his bed with him and we would just hold each other for hours. That is love.........but human nature also makes us need sex........and yes toys work.........but its not the same as having sex with another human being......a toy can't touch you, kiss you.....it can't cuddle you afterward. I will never be a hypocrite and say that I was above all that and resisted having someone outside of my marriage because I did. I feel no shame or remorse for that..........I am human...........I am also not selfish enough to expect that had the roles reversed that I would not have wanted Gary to get on with his life and find comfort where he could. Gary never knew and it wasn't like that's all I did while he was in the nursing home but I will admit that there were a few occasions that I did.........and I don't apologize to anyone for that...........as I said unless you are in the situation you can't say you never would because you don't know for a fact you won't.

I took my marriage vows seriously too, Gary offered when we knew that he was not going to get better but could go on for years like that........to let me out of our marriage.......I knew that it would have torn him apart to do that and in all honesty I didn't want out of my marriage............I was the one who was there for him no matter what......just as he would have been for me and I know for a fact that when he died he loved me just as much as he ever did and I felt the same way about him. I am not saying anyone else would have done what I did if they had been in my shoes...........but I will agree that you are perhaps naive in thinking an absolute about it.........not that that's wrong.......but this is a case of don't condemn someone if you have never walked in their shoes..........you never know unless you have been there.

And if anyone doesn't like my answer or thinks less of me because of my answer...........you can kiss my wooley white ass........the last two years prior to Gary going into the nursing home our marriage was without sex........and I was perfectly content because every night I held that man in my arms and knew what love was.
Ewe_Wish

May 8 @ 3:12AM  
That is an emotional, personal issue based upon individual circumstances. I'll take a pass on saying any more.
I forgot to say Thank You Bruce.......personally I feel that everyone else looks down on someone for doing that.......there is more to wedding vows than that.......not being selfish is the best way to uphold those vows.........



funny how absolute people can be about how they wouldn't violate wedding vows........but don't condemn those who have open marriages........or those who sleep with married people or those in a relationship............everything has to be in black and white with no gray area............
RJ53

May 8 @ 3:36AM  
And if anyone doesn't like my answer or thinks less of me because of my answer...........you can kiss my wooley white ass........the last two years prior to Gary going into the nursing home our marriage was without sex........and I was perfectly content because every night I held that man in my arms and knew what love was.

You knew he was never come out of a nursing home. That is a little different from having someone at home who is disabled. As a full time caregiver for the last 10 years to my mother I know how hard it is to care for someone who is disabled. I went through it for a few years with my Dad too about 20 years ago.I know that you were not having an easy time of it. I was speaking more of someone who was still at home who would know when their s/o ;left the house and who knew what was going on with them. I was saying if someone knew that their spouse was having sex with someone else I think it would hurt them. Each situation is different.
tassie1

May 8 @ 7:10AM  
hmm interesting blog.
with interesting views.

I do tend to agree though with comments from both sides..

firstly, yes, until you yourself are placed in this situation your view will probably be differant and yes I also agree with it would depend on the depth of your relationship with your partner. I have always said if my partner ever decided to experiment or if something happened such as a work accident and I ended up in a whelchair etc which with my life of work and the dangers involved, can't be ruled out... if I couldn't or were un-able to satisfy her I would be comfortable with her looking elsewhere as long as it didn't come btwn us.maybe my own level of comfort or piece of mind is differant to others I don't know. but i wouldnt expect her to not be able to fill her needs or desires if I was un-able to do it for her .
flavorbuster

May 8 @ 8:28AM  
Damn if I aint going to be the different one AGAIN.
Come here Ewe !!! pick one > ....
And if anyone doesn't like my answer or thinks less of me because of my answer...........you can kiss my wooley white ass......
Nope ... Can't see the forest for the trees.
Being married no but considering there is no ring & she asked then it's time to pull out my ding-a- ling.
RevDocLove

May 8 @ 9:37AM  
I gotta' give my buddy Dayna a kudo for her answer..
That's what is called true love..
onehornytoad69

May 8 @ 11:30AM  
I've never had to cross that Bridge....Thank God!!!

As Long as I could be with my partner...I would Not have sex with anyone else..no matter what!!! (Yeah I know its easy for me to say this..since I have not been there..)

Ewe spoke of wanting to hold and touch someone...and that's our Nature...I will have to agree..to a Point!!! Can I hold someone (other than my SO?)...while my Soul Mate..was still living?
I don't think so!!!!
Would I get "Horny" while my S.O. was Ill? I don't think so!!!

But that's just Me!!! EVERYONE is different!!! and have different Needs!!!

I'm no ones Judge!!! There is no right or wrong...so I see it..(Unless your convictions tell you otherwise!!!)
My 2 Cents!!!


Ewe_Wish

May 8 @ 11:50AM  
Last night my comments were perhaps a bit harsh......... But I also want to thank Rev for his comment..........but I wanted to add something........I too never thought I would or could.........It took a lot of soul searching to come to the conclusion I did......

There was a time I sat in judgment of open relationships and people who cheated but I no longer do that........and the reason why is simple...........I didn't live inside those people......we make the choices we do because of how we feel.............and I can not say something is wrong when its not my life ........I also think this whole "I don't want to break my vows" comes from a religious belief that we must stay faithful to the one we are married too.......but if that was the case.......you would only be allowed one person all of your life........there would be no more than one marriage per person........that thought ideal, in my opinion, is as barbaric as thou shall not kill.........of course murder is wrong........but if you go by the concept thou shall not kill.........you wouldn't even be allowed to kill someone in defense of your own life or your families. Thru sickness and health........so when a man is mentally ill and beats you and tortures you.........you stay with him? its ok because its in your vows?

I have seen many times when a woman or man got sick that their spouse left them.......they couldn't handle it and thereby left them............So what if you met someone and fell in love with them and than found out they left their former spouse because they got ill.........would you kick them to the curb.........probably not.........I think its a greater sacrifice and a greater show of love that you stay with someone that is ill...........

I want to finish this comment out and than I am done with this blog.........I am handicap.......only a few people here know how bad the pain is somedays..........that I am physically sick because I hurt so bad that I throw up. and pain meds don't help on those days. There are times that not only sex is the last thing on my mind but its impossible to do..............I love my boyfriend.......and I know he loves me.........and I know that he would never think about going out and getting laid on the occasions I can not have sex.........and I know he will stay with me even if it got to the point that I could never have sex.........but I would never expect him to go without sex.......Yes sex and love can go hand in hand..........but there is more to our relationship than sex.........and if and when it comes to that point I am going to do what my Gary did for me............I am going to take him by the hand and tell him how much I love him, how much I appreciate him, but there are things that he needs too.........and as long as he never tells me about it.........I want him to do what he needs to do to fulfill those feelings.........I love him unselfishly.........and I know he loves me the same.. Thanks Kit for letting me take up so much of your blog space.....
theSkwirl

May 8 @ 10:12PM  
See, that's a situation I will never have to question because I've already made the conscious decision that we can each have sex outside of our primary relationship. Not only that, we can be in love with other people at the same time. So I'm prolly a bad person to ask about this. I don't have normal answers to what might be a cut and dried situation to others.

There's a huge difference between cheating, and supplying a natural primal need that needs tending with the permission of your partner. As long as it's not sneaking around, it's all good.
dmbchick420

May 9 @ 12:55PM  
No way and I think it's pretty selfish for someone to do that. I wouldn't want my husband to do it to me, so I could never do that to him.
aftershox

May 9 @ 6:28PM  
Ewe_wish I applaud your comments and honesty. I think the world would be a better place if we all recognized the need for touch and physical intimacy without shame.

It is not simply a matter of not judging you, truly I now hold you in higher respect knowing this about you.

I don't believe in judging people on such things,. However, I might judge ppl who are themselves narrow-minded and quick to judge. Or even saying "Not me!" as if they were somehow "better" because of that.

Strict monogamy is the simplest kind of relationship out there. It doesn't require alot of communication. My monogamous years didn't make me close to my partner. Quite the opposite . Occasional sex with no real connection or communication left us strangers after 25 years of marriage. In hindsight, that is more morally "wrong": than the delightful connections (yes, connections in the plural sense) that I am having now. The sex is wonderful, but the communication and sense of connection is indescribably wonderful.

Poly (short for polyamorous) relationships take huge amounts of communication. Every poly situation/family/relationship is different.

sinfulpleasurecams

May 11 @ 2:12PM  
No way, I'm too old fashioned. Ick.

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Ewe_Wish

May 11 @ 4:38PM  
No way, I'm too old fashioned. Ick.

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Ummmmmmmmm...Yea......You do sound downright old fashion.................
SmilesforMiles

May 17 @ 9:22AM  
Yeah everybody says they wouldn't do that... but have it actually happen to you and go three years, we'll see what you say then. Not that it has happened to me. Right now I feel I would never do that, but I can't say for sure if it actually happened. Sometimes sexual desire can be a very powerful thing, feelings aside.
SmilesforMiles

May 17 @ 9:28AM  
Also, Ewe_Wish... that is love. Not that it matters what I think, I also feel there was nothing wrong with that.
PeachyKeen

May 17 @ 11:52AM  
Ewe_wish I applaud your comments and honesty. I think the world would be a better place if we all recognized the need for touch and physical intimacy without shame.

I don't believe in judging people on such things,. However, I might judge ppl who are themselves narrow-minded and quick to judge. Or even saying "Not me!" as if they were somehow "better" because of that.

Strict monogamy is the simplest kind of relationship out there. It doesn't require alot of communication... In hindsight, that is more morally "wrong": than the delightful connections (yes, connections in the plural sense) that I am having now. The sex is wonderful, but the communication and sense of connection is indescribably wonderful.
Aftershox stated her position very well, I happen to agree with her. In years past, I wouldn't have been able to agree, but I've been in my own situation of caring for a very sick husband, so I have a clue about missing a loving touch.

I'm free to explore new possibilities now, therefore, I'm more open minded and judge far less than ever before. It depends upon the individuals involved, the strength of the relationship (love/respect/understanding), trust in being honest with one another and their commitment to communication.
hotwhisperer

Jul 14 @ 9:29PM  
There are lots of ways to have sex. You shouldn't go outside the marriage for it because it will create psychological havoc later that you will definitely regret. You can'tsee it now, but it will show up to your regret. Why pass up all the marital fun? No one can be that disabled. If you can move a finger or your nose, you should be able to please.
garrays

Jul 25 @ 3:09PM  
No...you take an oath when you are married for better or worst and if you only marry for the sex then it was not much of a marriage in the first place. My wife and two sons died 20 years ago and I have not been with another woman since...I admit that is a personal thing but I was never one who took my promises lightly.

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Would You Take a Lover if Your SO Gave You the Okay to Do So?