Happy Birthday Mom. Another year that there will be no birthday cake. You have left this earth but not our hearts or minds. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you in some way. You are missing all the things you always looked forward to. A great grand daughter who drives her mother as crazy as her mother drove us. You're missing the great grandson that looks so much like his daddy that it would bring tears to your eyes. You are missing out on having that special pot of tea with your granddaughter and talking about her hopes and dreams, and your missing out in seeing your oldest daughter turn out to be one classy hawt looking woman..... who rides a motorcycle. Yes mom, I know what you would think of that but don't worry, I took over for you and checked to make sure she was being safe.
To this day, my daughter will still pick up a shirt and say Oh God.........this is something Grandma would wear......and I smile......cause secretly I like some of them......and then it hits me how much I am getting to be like you. Is this how its suppose to happen Mama, was this always the plan? How was I to know that someday the things I do would drive my daughter crazy as much as some of the things you use to do to me? When you told me that someday I would have a daughter that acted just like me, you forgot to tell me someday I would act just like you. That may have bothered me at one time but it no longer does.
I hope that when I am gone, my children will be able to set and talk about the goofy things I use to do and laugh with such love in their hearts as they do.....as we all do with you. I wonder if you realize that when you were doing things just to get by and make a better life for us you were teaching us things that we still do today. I wonder how many times when trying to do something that is new to us, that we say "well, mom use to do it this way and it worked."
I think sometimes, how amusing it is that with my sister and I only being 8 years a part, we have some different memories of you.......not exactly different perhaps, I just have added memories. Perhaps its because she spent more time with Dad whereas I spent my time with you. Maybe because by the time I came along and was able to help you she was pretty much out of the home taking care of her own family but I can remember hearing over and over how much I should act more like her. Today I think that is not so bad, she is a lot like you too. She knows how important family is and how strong that love is, she is the role model that she is because of how you and dad raised her, the same way you raised me.........I just don't think sometimes I do even half the job she does. I know Mama, if you were here today and I was telling you that, you would hug me and say that I am perfect just the way I am.....Thank you for that......no matter how stupid I have been through my life......you always thought I was pretty special.
Years ago when I was little, I remember Uncle John telling me I was his favorite neice. I can't remember what I had done that pleased him so much but I do remember walking on air cause I was his favorite. A year later, he was talking to dad about something my sister had done and he said Yep that's why she is my favorite. I was crushed and ran to you........and you just laughed. You told me of course my sister was his favorite and of course I was his favorite.......he loved us for different reasons and for that we were favorites for those reasons. You are so much like Uncle John, I know that I was your favorite. I was the one that stayed at your side to learn how to bake, I was the one that loved to write like you, and I was the one that would sit for hours drinking tea with you and talking about every subject that came up. I also know that my sister was your favorite.........she was the one that helped you take care of the family and keep us together when Dad was dying, she was the one you turned to when you had a problem to big to solve.....and she was the one you knew that would take care of things when she was no longer able. I am glad I am your favorite for the reasons I am, and I am equally glad that she is your favorite for the reasons she is.
I was thinking this morning that you have a granddaughter that shared your birthday. I remember how excited you were when she was born and I can imagine that she does not have a birthday now that she doesn't take a few moments to think about all the birthdays you and her shared together. How special is that mom.......
I sometimes still pick up the phone to call you, especially when things just seem to get so damn out of control and I am not sure what to do. There are days that you being gone are worst than others and sometimes I even get angry at you for leaving us. It angers me sometimes that you are not here to see that great granddaughter that looks so much like you, she is missing out on getting to know you. I know that you would have lived forever if you could of, and in many ways you will........you will live forever in our hearts and memories.
Thank You Mom, for all that you did for me......thank you for always being there to pat me on the back when I needed it and kicking my butt when I needed that too. For always standing by me, whether I was right or wrong, even tho when i was wrong you pointed that out in private. Thank you for teaching me to stand up for what I believe in, even if no one else shared the same belief. Thank you for giving me the gift of writing and for teaching me that marching to a different drummer...doesn't make me wrong.....just that I hear different music than everyone else. Thank you for stepping up and being mom to my kids at times when I couldn't be but more importantly being the grandma you were to them. There are so many things I am thankful for but mostly I am just thankful for you always allowing and encouraging me to do what I needed to do to be happy, even though now as I look back I realize how that encouragement allowed me to be selfish and I am sorry for that.
Birthdays are a celebration of life, but for you Mom the celebration is when I look at my children and think about the bond of love you had with them. The celebration is when I look in the mirror and know that who I am today is a result of who I was and the impact you had on both, the celebration is when I look at my sister on her bike and know that although you would be worried to death of her riding a motorcycle.....its because of you that gives us the courage to try new things, and realize that no matter where we are in life, its ok to dream of things and to carry out those dreams. I know that although you would be telling her that you are worried to death about her getting on that damn "death machine" (You called it that when I rode motorcycle) you would be secretly proud of her for trying new things and following her dreams. Thank you for allowing us be who we were meant to be. Happy Birthday Mom.
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