Just a few wise and witty words because I'm bored. Feel free to contribute some of your own.
1) Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left. Add a thousand more lefts and you've got NASCAR!
2) If life hands you lemons, make lemonade. If that dosen't do the trick... add vodka!
3) Coping with life is mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
4) Life is like sex. You get out what you put in.
5) What doesn't kill you will make you stronger. What doesn't make you stronger just might kill you.
6) I suffer from Attention Defi... uh, what was I saying?
7) The eyes are the windows to the soul. So if I gaze into your eyes, does that make me a peeping tom?
8) If you like a man with meat on his bones, you'll love me. I've got meat on my meat! (Okay... that wasn't supposed to sound dirty!)
9) Sexy is as sexy does. Never overlook the "Plain Janes". You might miss a living goddess!
10) It's a good thing computer software in cars isn't based on Windows technology. ("Are you sure you want to brake for the pedestrian?" yes/no)
11) A car-raising contest is called a "jack-off".
12) If I had a woman who sucked like today's economy, my balls would be in the head of my dick!
13) A bat's worst nightmare: Ozzy Osbourne with a bottle of ketchup.
Would anyone care to add to the list?
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