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posted 1/3/2007 3:27:39 PM |
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tagged: daughter, straddle

I talked with Tash about two nights ago when she called me and she seemed pretty upbeat. After a while she broke down a little and told me that she's not wanted where she's at. She's basically homeless and her leaving school once it's out for the day she finds a friend to stay with. This has been ongoing since school started in the fall. Right now she's been staying off and on at "Speedbump's" house with his mom, but since she turned 18 on Dec. 23 there's a slight problem. Speedbump's dad who doesn't live there and is divorced from his mom doesn't want Natasha there because her being 18 now he feels that she would go out and buy his son cigerates now. So she's been staying over at her friend Tiffany's house with a few realitives and the only reason Tiff is allowing Tash to stay there with them is because she has no other place to stay. I told her that try not to stress out because she will always have a roof over her head. She said that she would like to come live with me if I could take her everyday to school and doesn't want to go to another school when she only has 5 months to go before she graduates. She also said that her friends are there too. I told her I understand that and I could try to do that, but it would be hard, very difficult to try that. It's not like she has no options. That aunt of her's collects a check for her and Tash doesn't want to live there because that woman's kids treat Tash bad. Tash has a tough time following house rules from what I have heard from her two aunts and grandma. I would have house rules such as no smoking in the house, clean up after herself, and a curfew. Also I fear that she would start hanging out with these low life people at their house on my block. I can't have that. I also feel that her living here with me is not the best option because we both could get in trouble with the law because she is suppose to live up there in that county while her aunt is getting that check for her. I can't bare the thought of her homeless though, but that would be of her own doing. I know tough love is going to have to apply here. I'm suppose to head back up there this Friday to pick her up at school before 9:30am to take her back to the child welfare office. We have bonded pretty well over the last few months, and before we hang up from each other we always say "I love you" to each other. At first I started saying that, now she says it first before I get a chance to say it. Any advice on all this?

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Jan 3 @ 4:43PM  
In recent months I have come to the conclusion that the only bad parent is one that doesn't question their parenting skills. I'm not quick to offer advice not knowing the players personally. I can just remind you of what it is like to be 18, completely independent, yet irresponsible, carefree, yet pressured to grow up... it's a magic time.

Treat like like an equel and discuss options, before locking her up until her wedding day.

(I'm so glad I have sons not daughters!)

Jan 3 @ 5:10PM  
Follow your heart Sweety.. that's the best I can tell you. BTW.. the aunt who collects a check might have to give it up but it's not going to get you into trouble. she IS 18 and has the ability to make her own decisions. So, have a serious heart to heart with her.. spell out the house rules and expectations up front. And then the both of you make the decision together.

Jan 3 @ 6:55PM  
Tash just now called me. We talked a little bit and she wanted to know if she could use my car for Saturday for a dance. I told her that I couldn't do that. She said that she has insurance and I told her that I still couldn't do that and I hope she understands. I feel bad that I had to turn her down on that, but I can't afford to turn my car over to her since she's a little hard on cars and just started learning to drive. Seems like she's calling more often (which I love), but asking for more and more favors though.

Jan 3 @ 7:36PM  
Straddle, Tough Love is the hardest,but eventually very rewarding.

Jan 3 @ 11:20PM  
I'm new here but I had to jump in and give my two cents worth. I read your blog, the responses and your profile.

(Poondaddy gets up on the soapbox)

I had to get up and walk away for a while to compose my thoughts because it brought up bad memories from my younger years when I let women (not just my daughter) use me because I would do anything for love.

Sometimes, when you are in the middle of a situation it is really hard to see the entire picture. Here are a few points to ponder:

Point 1. Not knowing you or the person you are talking about it is hard to give you a concrete answer to your issue.

Point 2. You being 39 and her 18 So you were 17 when your baby was born. I was at a similar age when my daughter was born.

Point 3. Whether it is your daughter or even if it is a sister or neice you have to think about you first. regardless of the age of consent in your state or her state consider carefully whether this young girl has been known to tell lies to get herself out of trouble. It does not matter what actually happens. If she says it happened then you are in a world of shit. You may be able to prove that it didn't but even if you do your reputation will always be tainted and you will be $20,000 to $30,000 lighter in the wallet to clear your name and stay out of jail.

Point 4. If she refuses to follow rules where she was staying why would you think she would follow the rules you lay down.

Point 5. I take it the car you talk about is yout primary means of transportation. Some people do not take care of other peoples things (especially cars and especially teenagers) as well as they would their own. If you don't have the car anymore how will you get to work and get to the store, not to mention go and do pleasurable things?

Now this is just a few things I learned in my younger years. My dad used to say: "If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and swims like a duck, chance are pretty good you are not dealing with a platypus". Meaning watch for signs of "Oh! yes! I Love you just as long as you let me have what I want but when you refuse then I throw in your face that you don't love me or you would let me have this thing I want so bad even if logically the answer should be no!"

Before the ladies get all up in arms, I am NOT saying all women are that way (Meaning manipulators or users). I am NOT saying that even most women are that way. I have no idea what the percentage of users who are men verses women are but I bet it is at least equal and maybe much higher. So don't get down on me about a bad attitude about women. I love honest , open women who speak from the heart and don't play games. Even if they are telling me I am not their type. At least they are honest!

I am saying that you may need to carefully assess your daughters attitude and go with the logic of your brain and not the sentimentality of your heart. I know from the scars on my heart that I would rather not have a daughter than have a user for a daughter. Based on what you wrote I picked up on several signs that would make me pause and assess this relationship.

Ultimately you are the guy who lives with the consequences of your actions and it will hurt no matter what you decide. Based on what I read into this I could have gotten all wrong but love should not be denying yourself and losing everything you have to show how much you love someone.

Many years ago I was listening to a musical artist called MeatLoaf, He was singing the song "I would do anything for love". At the same time I was pondering why every woman I hooked up with, even my daughter who I never hooked up with but loved pissed in my face and it hit me.

"I would do anything for love but I won't do that" (part of the song)

Meaning in my mind someone he loves is asking him to do something he knows that someone who loved him should not ask him to do. So yes, I will do anything for love, but I won't do that! This has saved me a lot more scars on my heart or maybe just made the cuts smaller.

I chose to begin to look at things a bit more logically and I do have some scars on my heart from not having my daughter around for about ten years. I think she may have finally grown up and we are developing a relationship now. Just so you know, now she is in need of logical things and I am supplying them as best I can. I am also measuring to see that what she has she takes care of and that she is actually trying to get out of her situation without my help. If she stops taking care of what she has or stops trying on her own then I will stop helping her.

As some people have already mentioned "Tough Love" I will give you my thought on that subject. I think tough love is harder on the one who says no because the thing we want most in the world is to help but the best thing we can do is say no!

Just food for thought from someone who may have been there and done that.

(Poondaddy relinquishes his hold on the soapbox and tearfully steps down)

Good Luck!!!

Jan 4 @ 3:02AM  
I have to say Poondaddy, has more than hit the head on the nail. Very excellent advise!!

Good Luck Straddle, some tough decisions have to be made, but I am sure you will make the best ones, good luck.


Jan 4 @ 9:55AM  
Straddle I agree with Zena. Some decisions are tough. I can only wish you good luck my friend:-(.

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