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Interview with a Canadian

posted 4/16/2010 8:25:13 PM |
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Recent comments left on my blog suggested that I am racially insensitive 2wards Canadians (is Canadian a race? Cuz I was thinking it was a nationality...but hey, what do I know?). 2 this I say nonesense! Poppycock! BALDERDASH! But it did get me thinking (and we all know how bad that can get) and the fact is I don't know much about Canadians. Maybe I should try 2 correct this oversight, and what better way 2 do that than by talking 2 a Canadian myself?

Of course, this solution brought with it a whole new set of its own logistical problems. Where was I going 2 find a Canadian? How would I spot a Canadian outside its natural habitat? Once I did spot him, how would I get the Canadian 2 trust me enough 2 talk with me? I decided the solution 2 this last problem would be hunting with the right bait. I went 2 the garage and pulled out an old backpack from my scouting days. Ahhh...the bag still smelled of adolesent tears, fear and Aqua Velva. The memories just came flooding back, but this was no time for nostalgia. I took the bag with me 2 the store and began collecting supplies. First, I went down and bought myself a new digital voiuce recorder. Then I picked up a slab of Canadian Bacon (really just a piece of ham), a bottle of maple syrup, a six-pack of Molson Golden and a Michael Buble' CD. Then I set out 2 find my elusive quarry!

Much of my first week was spent searching in vain. Canadians turned out 2 be much harder 2 spot than I originally suspected, as the Canadian is a very sneaky creature when he wants 2 be. Finally, on my fourth night out, I went N2 a small sports bar on the outskirts of town. On their smallest monitor (a 12" B&W Sylvania ca.1960) they were showing the Edmonton Oilers playing against the Ottawa Senators. Sitting where they could still see the screen but they could remain hidden from the view of others, four Canadians crouched in the darkness.

Finally my search was over! Here, in the flesh at last, were GENUINE Canadians! I approached with my digital voice recorder extended B4 me. This is that interview in its entirety:

DS: Hey! How's it going? U Canadian?
Canadian: Who wants 2 know, eh?

at this point I could feel the interview slipping away from me, so I reached n2 my pack and pulled out the Canadian bacon, throwing it on2 the floor between us. The Canadians set upon the meat with a fervor, tearing N2 it with their teeth and wiping the excess juices on their sleeves. I tossed out the syrup and the beer as well, and the Canadians gobbled that down just as quickly. As I watched them feed I could almost see them getting physically larger. It really was quite facinating 2 watch. Finally the biggest (whom I had assumed was their leader) one of them sat back and belched loudly.

DS: Feel better?
Canadian: Much! Thank U!
DS: No problem. I'm DickSlippery (I extended my hand. He shook it.)
Canadian: Pierre Michele Savant
DS: Oh? Any relation 2 Jacques?
Canadian: He's my uncle! How do U know Uncle Jacques?

I decided it was probably best left alone.

DS: It doesnt matter. Tell me, how did U come 2 live here in America?
Canadian: Why...we've always been here. We're just so polite no one ever notices us. We just fade N2 the background. Except for the two or three times a year that someone scores a goal in hockey, no one even knows we are here!
DS: It must have been a little weird for U having the whole world watching U during the Olympics.
Canadian: a little bit, ya.
DS: So, whats the deal with curling?
Canadian: Curling is what happens when there is 2 much beer on the ice.
DS: Why are U here? Don't U like it in Canada?
Canadian: I love Canada, but it is 2 freaking cold. eh? Besides, I love the California sun!
DS: So U come 2 this country and...what? Take our jobs?
Canadian: (laughing) What jobs? There are none for us 2 take!
DS: All right, then why are U here?
Canadian: Its a sneak attack.
DS: A sneak attack? I don't understand.
Canadian: Back in the 1840s the leaders of Canada realized that we were a mere gold strike away from becoming the next state. It was decided then that the only chance Canada had 2 survive was invasion. So we began sneaking operatives across the at a time. Once all of our forces are inside the US we will reassemble and attack!
DS: So this plan has been in motion for 140 years?
Canadian: Give or take. Not much happened in the 1950s though. We were preoccupied with the quints.
DS: And how many of U are here now?
Canadian: Our best guess estimates put our forces at about fourty-seven.
DS: Fourty-seven people over 170 years doesn't seem very effective.
Canadian: We Canadians are a very patient people.


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post a comment!


Apr 16 @ 8:35PM  
DS: What is Ur ultimate objective?
Canadian:Our hope is 2 assimilate ourselves N2 Ur society and make it more polite by rubbing off on U. Its already working in New York City. U can ride the subway all day long now, and not get felt up once!
DS: Well, maybe U can. Have U seen this?
Canadian:We are also hoping 2 stamp out the popularity of baseball. We just never got that sport. We want 2 replace it with hockey as Ur National pastime.
DS: Hockey blows.

I regretted saying it almost B4 the words left my lips. Unfortunately, that was 2 late 2 do anything about it. The Canadian I was speaking 2 and his friends all sprang up on all fours, snarling and spitting as they eyed me suspiciously. Then, as if on cue, they all four lept on me and began beating the shit out of me. I felt as if I finally understood what the death of a pinata was like. Mecifully darkness soon overtook me as I blacked out from the beating. When I finally did come 2 I was in a dumpster behins a liquor store six blocks away. My wallet, watch and digital voice recorder had all been stolen. I got up and rushed home 2 post this story B4 I forgot it.

Keeping U posted


Apr 16 @ 8:39PM  
Hey now!!! Hockey is fun!!!

But I still think they overreacted by beating you up and taking your stuff.

Here's some hoping you feel better.

Apr 16 @ 9:02PM  
Great blog, eh.


Apr 16 @ 9:04PM  
Canadian: Why...we've always been here. We're just so polite no one ever notices us. We just fade N2 the background. Except for the two or three times a year that someone scores a goal in hockey, no one even knows we are here!

It's a good thing you weren't here last night when the Canucks won their latest hockey game. It was pandemonium in the streets...and I know you would've lost way more than your backpack cuz as you know...they take their hockey VERY seriously.

Just an might have fared better if you had remembered to pack some poutine, some Tim Horton's Timbits and some Loonies and Toonies. far as them being sooooo polite. I've been cohabitating with Canadians for the past decade...and it's about the same as it is in the States. You have those people who are super polite and friendly...and those who are extremely arrogant and rude. Of course, since I'm still living among them...I may not be the most objective person.

Apr 16 @ 9:42PM  
Fun Read!! thx!! Greenie!!!

Apr 17 @ 1:37AM  
A comment.

Oh yeah I liked the blog too.

Apr 17 @ 6:14AM  
You lunatic..........everyone knows you carry two hunks of Canadian bacon in case of attack after you have fed them the first can distract them from the beating with the second hunk..................

Apr 17 @ 1:41PM  
There are some sure fire ways to know a Canadian who is masquerading as anyone else..

1. Ask if you can ask a question...
2. Ask him what kind of building he lives in..
3. Ask him if he's paid his electric bill lately...

if he says,, aboot? hoose and hydro.. he's canadian.. and it's time not to mention Hockey or Poutine.

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Interview with a Canadian