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posted 4/15/2010 11:12:06 PM |
1 kudogive kudos what's this?
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tagged: whig

The thing about me U may not know is that Im always thinking. That's me...the thinker. Im always out 4 an opportunity. Im always looking 2 get in on the "next big thing" while its still on the ground floor, U know what Im saying? Im just a mouse looking for a lil bit of cheddar, baby! Rinse and re-use condoms? That was me. Called them Come Agains. They just didn't take off the way Id hoped they would. The George Forman Grill was originally mine 2, until I met that bastard Foreman at a party in the Hills. We exchanged info that night and the next day I thought he was coming over 2 invest in my SlipperyGrill, right? Well this fucking asshole, oh...he's a piece of work all right that one, he shows up with these two goons with him! So I says 2 the guy, "Whattaya doin? I thought we were doing some business here?" Next thing I know BING BANG BOOM he's hitting me and the goons are getting in on the action, I think maybe my ex-wife came in and took a couple of shots. I dunno it all got a little hazy after awhile. I blacked out, and when I came 2 I was in a filthy basement in the Quang Tri Province of Vietnam, somewhere near the Cambodian border.

I spent the next three years living off fish heads and rice and working as a virtual sex slave, doing the most unspeakable things I might add, until I could earn enough money 2 buy my freedom. In order 2 be able 2 leave I needed 200,000 Vietnamese dong (about $17 US...give or take). Do U have any idea how many dongs U have 2 take 2 make 200,000 dong? And what was Mr. Look who got knocked out by Muhammad Ali doing during this time? That crooked motherfucker was on Live with Regis and Kathy Lee SELLING MY GRILL!!!!Motherfucker sold billions of them! BILLIONS!!! Makes me sick I tell U! AND on top of that I heard he banged Kathy Lee Gifford 2! Doesn't that just add insult 2 injury? I mean I wouldn't want 2 do her, but that doesnt mean I want him getting laid on my dime, either!

But what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I made it through my time in Vietnam with as much dignity as I could muster (hard 2 do when Chinese tourists are paying 25 dong each 2 piss on U, but hey - U make due...) and made my way back here 2 the US. I was determined not 2 let my experience overseas jade me in anyway. What happened happened. Now it was time 2 move on, and move on is exactly what I did. I dove head first N2 my next big project. When I got back 2 the States I couldn't believe how expensive Bluetooth headsets were! I mean some of these things were going for a hundred, sometimes 200 bucks a pop! I could see there was a need for an inexpensive hands-free device for the everyman out there.

So I rolled up my sleeves and I set 2 work building what I called The Pluto Plug. U just plugged it any 2 any phone and voila'! U could hear Ur phone through the speakers of the car stereo! It was fucking amazing...and I was the only person on the planet who knew about it! I was so excited I could barely contain myself. I just about peed. I had 2 tell didn't matter! So I go next door where my neighbor Billy lives, right? Pretty cool...had a few brews with him...did a little blow...nice enough guy, so I figure I'd start sreading the news, right? WRONG!

I get over there and Im having a beer telling the guy my story, right? He asks me do I have it with me? I says 2 him, "yeah...I got it right here." All the sudden he gets this weird look in his eyes, like they get all glassy or something. Next thing I know BING BANG BOOM Im getting it from all angles! The guy is beating me like he came home from work early and caught me in his closet. I can only take so much of this abuse, U understand?

So I black out and when I come 2 Im strapped 2 some kind of fucking sled or some shit, freezing my fucking pecker off! I can smell a fire so I know there is someone around so I call out, "Hey! Anyone there? I can't get free. Can somebody help me? Hello?" I wasnt expecting much but I did hear some movement behind me. Then there was some whispering before I was finally approached, and the ShamWow guy came N2 my line of vision.

"Billy Mays sold U boy!" was the first thing he said 2 me. He then spat and continued, "Yep...Billy Mays owed the old man some money and he gave him U instead!" He cackled madly. "Now were headed 2 Alaska! Hope U brought Ur thermals cuz its gonna be cold!" He started untying me.

"How cold?" I asked not really wanting 2 know the answer.

"Ohhh...I dunno...fifty, maybe sixty below. Enough 2 kill a man left outside I'll tell U that much! Now U getting on here cuz I cant wait around here all day!" My arms were finally freed. Now he went 2 work on freeing my legs.

"Why are we going 2 Alaska anyway?" This time I did want 2 know the answer (although on some level I think I must've known even B4 I asked)

"We're belly warmers for the miners up there in the Klodikes! U didn't think they liked girls did U? Hell, if they liked girls what would they be doing up there surrounded by nothing but other sweaty miners? Nope...they're queer 2 the very last man! Our job is 2 go through the ranks and make them happy until our replacements arrive next Spring!" Then he turned and motioned 2 the sled."Climb on up and make Urself comfor-"


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Apr 15 @ 11:13PM  
I picked a stick up off the ground and hit him so hard I thought for sure I had killed him. He fell over and down a snowy embankment, ending up down near a creek somewhere. I took off in the other direction and after four days in the Canadian wilderness I was finally rescued by the CMP. After giving me a blanket and a hot cup of chocolate the Mountie approached and asked how I was feeling. He told me that someone from the mining camp would be there 2 pick me up in the morning and take me back home! I couldn't fucking believe it!

It turns out that Billy Mays, the motherfucker that he was, had hella pull with the Canadian authorities. I'm not sure why, exactly, but lets just say he had some juice. In the time since I had been dropped off in Canada, somehow or another he managed 2 get a marraige license pushed through, without my knowledge, naming myself and a Canadian miner by the name of Jacques Blanc Savant LEGALLY betrothed! Even as I sat there Mr. Savant was already making the 1000 mile overland journey 2 meet his mail-order bride (10 days ago he sent $23000 by Western Union 2 someone named B. Maysinheimer) for the very first time. He was quite the bundle of nerves, Im sure.

I can't say for sure cuz I got the fuck out of there as soon as I could! I saw an 18-wheeler headed for the International border, so I pretended I was going 2 the bathroom and stowed away in the back of the truck's trailer. 56 hours later I slipped back out again and I was in Modesto. Back in the good old US of A! I made my way back home and was shocked 2 learn I had been gone 4 almost THREE FUCKING YEARS!

OMG - Three years? How is that possible? I didnt know it at the time, but what was happening 2 me was a form of Post Tramatic Stress that afflicts victims of extreme violence or terror with a weird sort of amnesia. They dont know exactly what causes it 2 happen, or whether or not the effected parts of the memeory will ever return. In fact, the only things they could tell me were this: number one - I had been gone for three years. Number two - when they found me I was wearing a camisole and a wedding ring. Number three - Billy Mays went on 2 sell millions of his Jupiter Jack headsets B4 finally having a massive heart attack while doing a bunch of coke with some hookers.

So...needless 2 say, Im on the lookout for my next project. Let me know if anything comes Ur way, will ya?

Keeping U posted,


Apr 16 @ 12:02AM  
hey, DS!

Apr 16 @ 12:08AM  
Hey there, beautiful!

I love blondes. I love dum ones even more!

Good 2 see U hon!


Apr 16 @ 11:30AM  
Dude, you have the worst luck.. when you look up schmoe with the worst luck on Wiki.. it's got your picture.

Maybe you and Bort should go into bidness?

Apr 16 @ 11:40AM  
This blog is too long to read.

And it's racially insulting to Canadians.


Apr 16 @ 12:38PM  
Interesting....verrrry interesting!!

Apr 16 @ 2:16PM  
Is your alleged PTSD supposed to explain all of your idiosyncracies? Somehow it seems you may have been a willing participant and just can't come to terms with your true feelings for this miner.
Poor Billy Mays is rolling in his grave.

Apr 16 @ 5:34PM  
And it's racially insulting to Canadians.

Fuck Canada


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