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Terror in the Heartland

posted 4/13/2010 3:27:37 AM |
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tagged: whig

SESAME STREET USA - The peaceful tranquility of one of the country's most endearing symbols of childhood was shattered today when a suicide bomber detonated himself in front of Hooper's General Store, on a busy Sesame Street. Dozens were injured in the explosion, which was heard as far away as the Electric Company, and at least eleven muppets and four humans are rumored 2 have been killed, although authorities are not releasing any names pending notification of next of kin. No one claimed responsibility for the blast but officials agree this looks like the work of Al Qaeda. If it does turn out 2 be the work of the Islamic radicals, it will be the first the world has heard from them since the assassination of one of the Teletubbies, late last year in London. No one has ever been charged with that crime, and although there was no official confirmation by Scotland Yard of Al Qaeda's direct involvement, a video tape surfaced earlier this year of Osama Bin Laden praising the martyres for their bravery in taking this fight directly 2 the children of the infidels while at the same time he could be seen sexually abusing a ragged Tickle Me Elmo doll. It was this connection which led 2 speculation of their involvement in today's bloody attack.

While the White House couldn't be reached for official comment, a source close 2 the President has said tensions are running high on Pensylvania Avenue as this crisis runs N2 the evening with no clear end in sight. "The President is monitoring this situation very carefully." Said the source on the condition of anonymity. "Sasha still watches Sesame Street on occasion, so in some ways this feels like an attack on the First Family itself."

Although it is not known at this time how the bomber gained access 2 one of the oldest and best loved children's shows on television, it has been speculated that he was smuggled in by the letter K, who, along with the number eight, was a co-sponser of today's show. No one has seen either of them since B4 the blast. Security was tightened around Sesame Street and Reading Rainbow following the attack, 2 protect against the possibility of further terror.

"Both the number eight and the letter K are officially 'Persons of Interest' in this investigation and we would like 2 sit down with them and hear their side of it." Said FBI Special Agent Tyrone Finklestien. Although confident he and his team will eventually catch everyone responsible 4 today's carnage, he does admit that it is a difficult task at best.

"It would be great if they would just turn themswelves in," the G-man continued, "but if the criminals did that then Id have 2 get a real job!"

Keeping U posted,


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Apr 13 @ 8:54AM  
Rumor has it that this was NOT a terrorist attack, but merely an accidental explosion
in Oscar the Grouch's meth lab...

Apr 13 @ 9:44AM  
Is that what that was? And here I thought it was Big Birds friend, Snuffleupagus sneezing. I mean, last time he did that, he forgot to cover his trunk and it blew most of Big Birds feathers off. Poor Big Bird...couldn't appear on the show till his feathers grew back.

Apr 13 @ 10:11AM  
Rumor has it that this was NOT a terrorist attack, but merely an accidental explosion
in Oscar the Grouch's meth lab

ALLEGED meth lab.


Apr 13 @ 2:31PM  
No one suspects Elmo? I mean come on? That little red giggling bastard? How could he possibly be innocent?

I'm waiting for the episode brought to us by the Letter P and the number 2 .. that's gonna be a real stinker.

Apr 13 @ 2:59PM  
I'm waiting for the episode brought to us by the Letter P and the number 2 .. that's gonna be a real stinker

Sorry, Skwirl, but neither P nor 2 is under contract anymore. Their contracts were allowed 2 expire thanks 2 numerous drug overdoses, the three failed marriages and four pregnancies scattered between them and a general attitude of entitlement the rest of the alphabet wasn't prepared 2 put up with any longer. Who do these guys think they are...X, Y and Z? Besides, management figured they could save a few bucks by grabbing 5 and lower case b and making them work an extra shift standing on their heads. It'll be fine until somebody needs a Paperboy or the number 25.


Apr 13 @ 3:26PM  
Yeah, I hear ya. Number 2 has always thought he was the shit.. and that Hussy P, does she really think we believe that her curves are not surgically enhanced? I mean look at her.. all top heavy and stuff. Now upper case B.. there's a babe to be reckoned with.

Apr 13 @ 3:39PM  
Now upper case B.. there's a babe to be reckoned with.

B is one of the few letters qualified 2 do DP, and boy duz she maker them pay 4 it!


Apr 13 @ 7:06PM  
I heard it was those moppy faced aliens... brrrrrrrriiiinnnnggggg!

Cow cow cow u-huh u-huh-uhuh

Apr 13 @ 7:21PM  

Screw the Tory
Fuck the Whig

Apr 13 @ 10:51PM  
Who else could connect Sesame Street, The Electric Company, the White House, and Al Quaeda?

Apr 14 @ 4:35AM  
Yanno...Cookie Monster was probably just baking some more of his "special cookies"...and accidently put way too much sis boom ba in the batter. I'm just sayin'...

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Terror in the Heartland