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The Billion Dollar Hand Job (without a happy ending)

posted 4/10/2010 10:06:48 AM |
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  DickSlippery

On January 13 the Earth thundered 2 the tune of a 7.0 magnitude, the product of a seismic event centered just 10 miles west of Porte-au-Prince, Haiti. In a span of just mere minutes, what had passed as a bustling metropolis in this part of the world had, along with its 2,000,000 inhabitants, been reduced 2 a pile of fucking rocks. And not even real rocks from the Earth, either...these were shitty ass, man-made by some dickhead Haitian politician getting his dick sucked, made with sub-standard materials and covered with asbestos rocks. Which, interestingly enough, turns out 2 be worse than the regular rocks in an earthquake. Somebody should probably write that down. Trust me...Im not gonna lie 2 U.

OK that was a lie. I am gonna lie 2 U cuz thats what I do, but Im not going 2 lie 2 U about THIS. About this shit right here? I got no reason 2 lie, eh? How am I getting paid? Do I fucking look Haitian? And Im not about 2 make light of the suffering these people have had thrust upon them either. Not becuz its tragic...becuz it isnt funny. What do U think I am...some kind of Monster?

What I am going 2 do is lay some information on U that U may or may not know. Please extinguish any open flames and turn off electronic devices such as Blackberrys, cell phones and laptops, as they interfere with the writers train of thought. We are now entering...the no bull shit zone!!!!

Cuz if U want 2 know wtf is going on in Haiti the story doesnt fucking start in January. This motherfucker goes WAY BACK! Like so many others here on the West Hemi, the story of the nation of Haiti begins in 1492, with Queen Isabella of Spain's #1 motherfucker she hardly ever saw, and everyone's favorite world explorer...Christopher Columbus! That's right...in December of 1492 CC, in complete disregard for the idiginous population, claimed the island of Hispaniola for Spain, and Nineteen days later these crazy fucking spaniards would run their boat all up on the fucking shore on the West end of the island and shit! Naturally this caused The Santa Maria to fucking sink (Im just saying niggas was trying 2 get off that boat is all). When its all said and done 39 motherfuckers make it 2 the shore, and the boss man decides he has 2 sail on without them (wait a minute now B4 U judge - he still has cities in Ohio, Georgia and oddly enough, New Mexico (dont ask...it was a long weekend...CC was flush with all this new found gold and shit...the bitch showed up with mescal and peyote...wtf would U do?) that need founding. The New World aint gonna get discovered by itself, Son. What's his name? Cabral - he got a boat now, man...we gots 2 go!) leaving these not being able 2 drive a fucking boat dickheads behind 2 fend for themselves until he gets back. This was yet another in a series of really bad decisions affecting Haiti and its peoples.

Cuz what happened was these indians was chillin, living on this island in the Caribbean (not the worst pick of the draw), when all of the sudden out of the fucking blue some motherfuckers crashed their boat N2 their fucking island! Then, as if that wasnt enough, instead of hitching a ride their friends 2 wherever the fuck they was headed when this shit happened in the first place, these fucking idiots decide they're just gonna move on in and start running shit. They get up on the beach and start waving books and crosses and saying shit nobody can understand, and then it just started getting 2 weird, so they killed them and burned the settlement 2 the ground (they were hoping this would discourage other Catholics from attempting such foolhardy ventures in the future...it didnt work). When Columbus finally got done with his own shit and made it back 2 see what had become of the cats he had left behind he freaked the fuck out. He got 2gether with his folks and was like, "Alright...these motherfuckers on the west end? They ain't playing around. We tried 2 bring up God...they buttfucked the priest. They're just killin motherfuckers, man, they crazy." This lead 2 his decision 2 abandon the Western half and solidified Spain's settlement of the Eastern half of the island.

Which was just the beginning of a struggle over the island and its natural resources that, as it so often does, ended badly for the indians who were living there 2 begin with. Within twenty or so years the Spanish had the shit under control, and King Charles I had started importing slaves from Africa 2 work the fields. Over the next 100 years the island's population steadily increased as the Western coast was occupied by French buccaneers who turned it N2 a safe haven for pirates. In 1697 Spain gave the Western third of the Island 2 France and soon French colonists began pouring in 2 establish tobacco and sugar plantations, cuz they could see motherfuckers were getting paid! And the shit just kept coming...by 1787 there were 30,000 French colonists living on that bitch. It was a tiny, sun-baked Canada. WHO wants some shit like that fucking up the island atmosphere...U know? On top of that they was doing things. Thanks 2 sugar, coffee and indigo plantations the eastern half had quickly become the richest colony in all the new world. And as was the custom of the day, much of this wealth was accumulated on the backs of thousands of African slaves, many of whom were worked 2 death within a few years.

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DickSlippery

Apr 10 @ 10:26AM  
Meanwhile...back at the Hall of Justice France has trouble of its own! First a revolution back home (turns out slaves dont give a fuck about a change in management, btw) and then Britain started having its own colonial difficulties with America (which somehow also managed 2 turn out badly for France) and all this other fucking bullshit was going on all over the fucking globe and then shit started getting out of hand with the labor situation (niggas was getting 2gether talking about freedom and shit is what it was...) cuz conditions were fucked even when they were good and motherfuckers were just getting tired of it. Then one day someone must've looked around and noticed just how many of them these dummys had plucked out of the jungle and deposited here on this tiny rock. He did the math and (he had 2 go get someone 2 check his work cuz that shit cant be right) B4 U know it the French had a full-blown slave rebellion on their hands. As U have probably guessed by now, this also turned out poorly for France and in 1804 Haiti declared its Independence and a nation was born. It was the only successful slave revolt b4 or since.

I just want 2 point out that this country has been around damn near as long as the United States has been (minus 28 years), and when they gained their independence they had the #1 economy in the New World. Well, for whatever reason that didnt work out either (I blame France), maybe they smoked their shit up or something, and the nation spent the next 100 years being ruled by a series of dictators, self-proclaimed monarchs and at least one "Emperor for Life" (who was assasinated two years later). This, combined with a trade embargo levied on the nation by the United States (Its one thing 2 let a bunch of niggers run around the island killing the French (cuz, U know...fuck the French) and another thing all 2gether 2 reward this kind of uppity behavior with an official state recognition. After all, we have niggers of our own, and we can not be seen 2 encourage such nonsense...) led 2 a stagnation in economic growth from which, after two centuries, the nation has still not recovered.

As is always the case, once the money left those who could also fled the island, leaving the less affluent behind 2 fend for themselves. This led 2 all kinds of fucking bullshit. Motherfuckers were killing eachother willy fucking nilly all throughout the 19th Century, until finally the United States intervened by sending in the troops in 1915. Whereas the United States had spent the last 100 years developing a working democracy, the Haitians had spent it kicking rocks. But we were full of piss and vinegar and U couldn't tell us shit cuz we beat England's ass not once but twice and then slapped we Spain around a little just for fun. So we hung around until 1934 and attempted 2 impose our brand of democratic freedom on the inhabitants...it didn't work.

Instead, it helped 2 usher in an era of dictatorship won by election and another 100 years of Haitians kicking rocks and killing eachother. By 1994 America had had quite enough (again) of this bullshit and another incursion by US forces was necessary 2 remove the latest dictatorship from power, and install our own puppet government. Now Im sure that when Bill Clinton and the Joint Chiefs were sitting around the war room discussing this plan and looking at it on paper it probably looked pretty decent. Within a few years the Haitians would have the democracy they deserve.

Um...sorry, no. What the Haitians ended up with was a cardboard cutout government. A collection of affluent Haitians (meaning they live on 10 dollars a day instead of just two) who basically sit around pretending 2 make decisions and getting paid for it. It was an exact model of the US congress, complete with a 96 yo Haitian who had once been a Georgia Klansman (U know...back B4 that sorta thing was frowned upon). The only thing they didnt turn the Haitians on2 was the thousands of lobbyists that occupy the halls of the capital. No big deal, right? Wouldn't most people agree lobbyists are the only flaw in an otherwise perfect republican ideal? I know the polititions would, because the lobby industry is the only thing keeping the senators and representatives actually doing any work! We are talking about motherfuckers who are lazy as hell or else they would have real jobs. And since there were no lobbyists around 2 make sure thier clients were getting what they wanted there was just no incentive 2 get anything done. Incidently, nothing got done.

DickSlippery

Apr 10 @ 10:36AM  
If U ever wondered what would happen if U took a bunch of slaves and dumped them on an island for 200 years with almost no guidance and no outside influence, all U had 2 do was check out what was happening in Haiti. Fortunately, in this age of instant messaging and global broadcasts this is actually possible, and since we as a race dont like 2 see such suffering (although we dont seem 2 have the same qualms about causing it) as we were seeing on this tiny island, and so human rights organizations from all over the globe began flocking 2 and opening up shop in Haiti, helping those they could. B4 long basic services began 2 be handled by these NGOs (non-governmental organization) instead of by the government, and the people supposedly elected 2 supply these basic services were just allowing the shit 2 happen. By 2010 the number of NGOs with working offices in Haiti had grown 2 160, while the elected government's investment in police, fire and emergency services was practically nil.

Its like that old parable that goes,"If U give a man a fish he eats for a day, but if U teach a man 2 fish he can eat forever." Well...we've been giving these people fish for hundreds of fucking years now and quite frankly, the only thing the Haitians are teaching each other is how 2 kick rocks. As a result, what we have is a nation of millions of people without any discernable means of sustaining itself. There are no exports, no industry and no infrastructure. Almost everything the nation consumes is supplied by foriegn aid. This was the reality of Haitian life when the earthquake struck.

Since that terrible day over 1 billion dollars has been collected for Hatian relief. People who tuned in 2 be shocked by the terrible consequences of nature's fury were instead shocked by images of children starving in the streets. Many of these same children had been starving last week as well, and the week B4 that, but nobody was looking then. Now they couldn't look away. If they tried 2 look away some movie star or famous musician would jump up and make them pay attention. It dont do no good 2 change the channel either, motherfucker, cuz we put the shit on all of them. LOOK AT THIS SHIT! DONT U FEEL GUILTY? And the donations just kept rolling in. There seemed 2 be no end 2 the world's generosity anywhere in sight.

Now my question (and the actual point of this blog) is this - now that this shit has happened and we got all this money, wtf are we supposed 2 do with it? Do we hand it over 2 the same fucking figurhead government that has already proven itself grossly inept? Ummm...can I have it instead? I mean...if someone's gonna fuck it off anyway, why not me? At the end of the day what's the difference between whether or not I smoke it or the Haitian president does? EXACTLY...

This is a country that is fucked up in ways no one could have predicted until this disaster shined a spotlight on them. Yes this was a terrible tragedy. But from this tragedy comes the possibility of wiping the slate clean and begining all over. The Haitian people have a unique opportunity 2 rebuild their country from the foundation up. It was as if Mother Nature saw what needed 2 be done and took care of it. But she exacted one hell of a price for doing so.

So, I guess the real question is this - do we finally teach the Haitians 2 fish, or do we just throw them some money and keep on watching them kick rocks?

Keeping U posted,

DS
soft_touch938

Apr 10 @ 1:25PM  
Too bad history books wasn't written like this...I just mighta learned something. You do have a way with words...
TastyCupcake

Apr 10 @ 7:42PM  
You've made some excellent observations about the consequences of manifest destiny and how most people do choose to remain ignorant of others' suffering. I hope the funds raised for the Haitian people are used exclusively and responsibly for their maximum benefit.
theSkwirl

Apr 11 @ 12:24PM  
I got confuzzled somewhere in the middle but yeah.. let em kick rocks. I'd teach em to fish but then they'd become a world power and .. a Skwirl cannot allow that to happen.

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The Billion Dollar Hand Job (without a happy ending)