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Noah's ProblemsTrying To Build The Ark Today..

posted 3/31/2010 8:23:56 AM |
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In the year 2009, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Arizona and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a Building Permit."

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector
about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbors claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my
back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power
lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them
that the sea would be coming to us, but they would
hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."

"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the SPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and
it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in
a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study
on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire for my building crew."

"Immigration is checking the
Visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They
insist I have to hire only Union workers with
Ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the Internal Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it will take at least 10
years for me to finish this Ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord.
" The Government beat me to it."

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Mar 31 @ 9:01AM  
Damn sure did.......

Mar 31 @ 12:35PM  
That was good...........noah and the ark jokes always remind me of Bill Cosby's stand up routine where God is trying to get Noah to build the ark and every time Noah comes up with a reason why he can't do it God says.......Noah, how long can you tread water? if you have never heard it you have to listen to it..........funnier that hell.

Mar 31 @ 4:10PM  
Forget today...what about THEN:

The ark's dimensions as specified by The Big Guy were roughly 200 feet long, 60 feet tall, and 100 feet wide. Which means it was indeed shaped like a floating bathtub more than one of the seaworthy galleys that came around a few thousand years later.

This was supposed to have been built by a guy that was over 90 years old.

And somehow it was supposed to fit (let's discount fish and other sea creatures even though the change in salinity definitely would have killed them...and insects because up until the renaissance they were simply believed to spontaneously generate out of rot...and the plants) 320,000 animals. That is what "Two of every" would have been, conservatively speaking.

So let's guess the boat had about 5 working holds. That's tough for the giraffes, but it allows for a mere 64,000 animals per hold. An ellipse of that size would allow for a floor space of about 63,000 square feet. Meaning each animal has to fit into a space of just less than a square foot. Sorry, elephants.

Assuming that Noah and his kin lived above all this on the upper deck, it still doesn't allow any room for food, drinking water, or the inevitable dung buildup (even if you only average .25 lbs of dung per animal per day, that's 40 tons of poop for less than a dozen people to move.)

That's one freakin' magical boat.

Mar 31 @ 7:46PM  
How very true

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Noah's ProblemsTrying To Build The Ark Today..