Your Onion Horoscope For March 30 posted 3/30/2010 11:14:53 AM | 0 kudos what's this?     report abuse tagged: satire

RevDocLove

Good Luck
Aries
What others think of you is a constant source of worry, so take heart in knowing that they rarely ever do.
Taurus
It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to choose a new nanny.
Gemini
You will inspire a new Zen riddle this week when a tree falls on top of you in the woods and there's no one around to hear all the screaming.
Cancer
Love can make a person do all sorts of weird and crazy things, but in your case, it'll mostly involve showering.
Leo
Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation will soon leave you with the tumor-growing ability of 10 regular men.
Virgo
While being replaced by a machine is never easy, losing your job to a common office stapler will prove especially difficult to take.
Libra
There won't be a dry eye in the house. That's how tear-jerkingly funny your wedding will be.
Scorpio
Doctors will diagnose you with a new strain of tuberculosis this week, or "Poor Unsuspecting Bastard's Disease" as it'll come to be known.
Sagittarius
You will come face to face with your worst fears this week after standing in front of a bathroom mirror.
Capricorn
Of all the plans you had for what you'd do with a million dollars, serving 12 years for grand larceny was probably last on your list.
Aquarius
Admitting failure has never been your strong suit. Thankfully, this week's stench will say more than mere words ever could.
Pisces
The stars predict the beginning of a lifelong romance this week, which just goes to show you how wrong the stars can sometimes be.

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