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Moving On..............

posted 3/29/2010 2:35:45 PM |
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In a couple of days it will be the second anniversary of when I said good by to Gary. Spending those last minutes of his life with him, holding his hand and talking to him about how I felt about him, thanking him for loving me and praying that he wasn't in any pain. He was non responsive but I believe in my heart he heard everything I said to him that night in that cold sterile hospital room with only him and I spending those last precious moments together.

There are still times even today that I wonder where life would have led us if he had lived, if he had been healthy. No use wondering though it was never meant to be and I cherish the time that we did have together.

There are some who frown on me moving on. Doesn't matter how many times I tell them that Gary's wish was that I went on with life, not to spend the rest of my life mourning him. My sister when she lost her husband of 30 some odd years spent 9 yrs before she was ready to move on. She said that it took almost that long not to miss him, or cry at the mention of his name. Yet now she is finally going on with life and to be honest she is rather amusing. She met and fell in love with my late brother n law when she was 14 and married him when she was 19. She at the age of 56 doesn't know what its like to date, or get hurt from a bad break up, or to be with more than one man sexually. She is just now really going through her teenage years. In some ways i am grateful.......our roles have changed. It is she who comes to me for advice instead of the other way around. I am here to help her make decisions or just have her thoughts bounce off of. I realize that I am not unique in my expirences I just did them before her.

The other day she bought a motorcycle. She has always wanted one but her husband would never have tolerated it. She felt her marriage was worth more than fighting over something so stupid and yet now its an important part of her wish list that she wants to fulfill. Her daughter thinks she is nuts and I am her biggest champion. I did the bike thing and I am happy to watch her go through the need to feel the freedom of riding a motorcycle does. She has actually made up a profile on a dating site and is talking to a few guys.......told them upfront she wasn't sure what she was looking for but she was always in need of good friends. She has faced what I too faced, as other widows faced, that once the spouse is gone, the friends you had, that you spent so much time with.....suddenly you feel like a third wheel as you don't make up a couple anymore. Many times the wives of the men who were friends with you don't want you around because they are afraid you will steal their man. So she is working on finding some new friends that want to go do things she no longer feels like a third wheel. Don't get me wrong....some of those friends are still friends but things are different now whether they want them to be or not.

It's rather funny, my sister was the sweater/sweatshirt/t-shirt kinda woman.....and my daughter and I have been helping her find clothes that to put a term to are more girlie. She had always been overweight.........and now she is this petite woman who I swear gets thinner everyday and I love watching her grow into her new self. She has never lacked for self esteem.......always been a take me or leave me kinda woman, but now it seems that she isn't as sure of herself as she was when her husband was alive and she was overweight. This is a whole new world for her..........

I think for each person the amount of time we grieved and how we grieved is different. For some they never do get over it, and for others we move on. We never stop loving that person we lost but because of the confidence we got from that love we are able to move on and start to live again. What a compliment to someone............that you loved someone so much you would be willing to love again.

Moving not forgetting the one who will always remember them and love them............but life goes on and we should be grateful for each precious day we have and not to waste it.

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Mar 29 @ 2:56PM  
I'm sooooo very sorry for your Loss!!!

I too was married to the 1st woman I ever dated!!!(Well... we were young) and was Married for 24 years...(Most all ofem were good!!!....)
When we was Like...."Oh shit"....there's a whole New world out there!!!!!! I was really shy at that time... ...and that made things Very bad!!!
Time is the Only Healer.....and everyone has there own Heal!!!

What sites are... she on? I too want a Bike.....

Live my lady!!! Life is Really Short!!!

Mar 29 @ 3:40PM  
The problem with being among those we love is how we keep getting fewer. Every two weeks somebody dies or is announced to be facing death. I have no answer, I don't even have any pretty words to string together in an attempt to wax eloquently.

I spoke with my daughter Sunday morning at length as we always do and had to convey this story.

An old friend of mine that I had not spoken to for several years beyond a chance encounter at a restaurant called me. Why we had drifted apart? We didn't, we just didn't contact one another. My fault, his fault, everybody's fault, nobody's just happened.

On February 12 we had a record snowfall in DFW. It took down many tree limbs and trees. I was without power for three days. He called me as he had three huge oak trees topple over and recalled me being one of the few with a fireplace asking me if I wanted the wood. Damned right I do!! Our cold winter wiped out my stash of firewood.

Anyway, he suggested that I come down and survey the trees saying what wood would be suitable for me. I went down there and did so and we sat around and chatted for about three hours on a lovely spring afternoon.

We have some close mutual friends, but our social circles largely occluded with close friends of one, being distant acquaintances to the other. Our connecting again jogged memories about people we had not thought about that were pleasant asterisks from the past. So many were dead. We asked about how the kids turned out...the good, the bad, and the ugly...too many were dead.

Mar 29 @ 3:53PM  

I know all to well how you felt Dayna. They say time heals all wounds. But does it really ? I think not. But we do have our good memories to hold onto as well.

I knew you were hurting although you wouldn’t cry,
And could see you were suffering, see the pain in your eye
I wanted to comfort you, to hold you, be with you that day,
You looked so helpless and frail while in bed you did lay.

I watched as you shivered from a new pain,
And wondered how I might have handled the same.
I wanted to scream, to shout, and to yell,
You said you were fine although your skin was so pale.

I knew in my heart your time was near end,
And wished I could take you, your body to mend.
I knew that soon God would be your closest friend,
You told me many times that’s how it would end.

I stood there watching as each breath came slow,
And fought to find courage, my emotions were low.
I promised you when the time came that I’d not cry,
You never saw my eyes wet, always they were dry.

I held your hand as I silently said goodbye,
And knew in my heart that soon you would die.
I stroked your forehead and said how I loved you,
You nodded and smiled and I knew that you knew.

I no longer care, my tears I can’t hide,
And as I stood there waiting for death by your side.
I knew then that God was your closest friend,
You had told me many times that’s how it would end.

Hang in there sweety. You have so much to go on for,.... and so much to offer others.

Mar 29 @ 4:03PM  
Losing a loved one is always hard. No matter how or when you lose them. But I learned at a young age you have to keep living and those that love you would never want you to grieve for the rest of your life. They loved you and would want you to be happy. It took me a little while to learn that lesson but I finally got it. I think that hardest part of it was not getting to say good-bye when he was killed, but finally got a chance to do that some years back and started getting my life on track. That track has had a couple of bent rails and sidetracking but it is finally getting me to where I need to be.

Mar 29 @ 6:08PM  
Kudo to you.

Mar 29 @ 7:17PM  
I know what you mean. March 25 came and went. What is March 25? Some may ask....that was the day I lost Mick. That was Thursday last week.. I had the day off from work...and I spent it remembering Mick, but not with tears, with smiles. Mick was all about laughter. Laughter and nature...he loved the outdoors. He wasn't a hunter, nor did he go fishing, he loved observing nature. So, March 25 was spent honoring what he loved..laughter and the outdoors. And let me tell wasn't actually a warm day to be outside! But, being outside that day...made me feel close to him.

Have I moved on? Yes. I know Mick would not want me to grieve his fact, he would have been one to get pissed off and say "quit feeling sorry for yourself and start living". Oh don't get me wrong, I grieved, and it took a few years for me to want to go out again.

Moving on after losing ones s/o can be scary...especially for those who the majority of their life was spent with one person. It's your life, you move on when you are ready to. You know you loved him...he knew you loved him. He's gone, you're here..and from what you say, he would want you to be happy.

Mar 29 @ 9:34PM  
I wanted to comment now I forgot what I was going to say

Mar 29 @ 11:15PM  

Mar 30 @ 12:41AM  

Mar 30 @ 8:38AM  
Good for your sister!!!

I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling for the loss of Gary.... he'll always be in your heart and soul.


Mar 30 @ 9:20AM  
Moving not forgetting the one who will always remember them and love them............but life goes on and we should be grateful for each precious day we have and not to waste it.

That sums it up well! Greenie!!

Mar 30 @ 12:57PM  
I remember that night well, and I know how sad you were to lose Gary. But, Gary would haunt you if you weren't moving on and living your life while you can....

Personally I wouldn't want anyone to grieve for me of it meant they weren't living. Life is too darn short.

Mar 30 @ 12:59PM  
Odd part is S0METIMES moving on's an illusion we wear like a mask to show our family n friends and sometimes to even try and fool ourselves vut with reflectuin we find we've moved in a circle n nothing in our hearts changed.... Sry. Pensive today. Kudo to u!

Mar 30 @ 4:30PM  
Moving on is good. hard.. but good

Mar 30 @ 7:01PM  
Your comment about people criticizing you for moving on is very realistic to me...but when you are ready & know that's what you want just go for it after all it is "your" life not there's if they truly care about you they will understand & if they don't then that's there loss...I commend you for your strength & give you a kudo &

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Moving On..............