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Redneck Republic: America's Hillbilly Hot Spots

posted 3/29/2010 9:10:21 AM |
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"It makes sense if you think about it: fire, explosions, cars, pounding music, beer. What's not to like about a redneck?"

"City fag" David Wilson grows a scraggly beard, puts on a camo jacket and baseball cap, jumps in a beat-up pickup flying the Rebel flag sets off for the places where godless, baby-killing liberal maggots fear to tread ... America's Redneck Republics.

Everyone knows what Rednecks are into: hunting, country music and working at the auto plant when not being abducted by front yard aliens. But where can you meet this most American of exotic species? Right here, y'all:

1. Indianapolis Motor Speedway
As any moron knows Rednecks love cars. In particular, they like gas-guzzling, enormous fuck-you Hummers, hotrods and trucks (preferably gun rack-equipped). Failing that, they are partial to anything that graces a NASCAR stadium. Indianapolis Motor Speedway is the monster granddaddy of them all. It can seat no less than 250,000 beer-guzzling, cousin-marrying, road kill-eating patriots.

2. Emerald Coast, Florida
This Florida resort known less poetically as the "Redneck Riviera" is a family-drive and deep-sea-fishing destination. The nickname is the title of the song that immortalised it, which was composed by Kentucky-born balladeer Tom T. Hall. A sample snatch of the lyrics sums up the atmosphere: "They got beaches of the whitest sand/Nobody cares if gramma's got a tattoo/Or bubba's got a hot wing in his hand."

3. Waterworld, Colorado
Disneyland is just too fancy for some rednecks. A better place to take the kids (all 10 of 'em) is Waterworld Colorado. Slogan: "America's biggest, America's best." Thrill Hill, Lazy River, TurboRacer: the names of the attractions signal that this is simple, primitive pleasure. Whizz. Splash. Yeehah!

4. East Dublin, Georgia
East Dublin wins inclusion as a Redneck Republic hot spot because it hosts the Redneck Games. Lithe, muscle-bound perfectionists need not apply. The Redneck Games are for folk whose athleticism normally extends no further than tossing the empties out the window while pushing the gas pedal to the floor. The Redneck Games repertoire includes the cigarette flip, the mud-pit belly flop, hubcap hurling, a big-hair contest, even "bug zapping by spitball". For each event, the trophy is an empty, half-crushed, mounted beer can.

5. Reno, Nevada
Ladies, y'all put on your leopard-skin spandex. Bubbas get ready to flash the cash because the next stop is that poor man's Vegas, Reno. In truth, rednecks are also drawn to just about any place where roulette is on the cards — riverboat casino cities and Indian casinos are popular. But "the biggest little city in the world" is the number-one draw because, well, it's Reno: a rinky-dink, pretension-free promised land of plenty and excess. Rednecks who win big or tank can hit the brothels or wander off into the desert and pull dodgy Jackass stunts involving rattlers.

6. Sandpoint, Idaho
Why Sandpoint? To some, the town may seem as boring as a Billy Ray Cyrus ballad. But Sandpoint (population 6000) boasts a long lake and a unique claim to fame. It served as the birthplace of Republican Party star Sarah Palin before she moved on to another small town, Skagway, Alaska. The moose-hunting hockey mum who reportedly condones "aerial wolf gunning" strikes a chord with rednecks. Could she one day make it all the way to the top? You betcha! So Sandpoint must warrant a pilgrimage.

7. Bentonville, Arkansas
Like Sandpoint, at first blush Bentonville may not seem to have much going for it. True, as applies to many redneck zones, you can get a lot of house for your money round there. Also, now and then, a tornado takes a swing at it. Otherwise, Bentonville is quiet, real quiet but proud. Indeed, the 90.92 percent white town borders on being a sacred redneck site. The reason: it doubles as the birthplace and headquarters of the world's largest retailer: Wal-Mart. Founder Sam Walton started with a small store on the town square. Now a visitor's centre, it resembles the kind of business that Walton's Frankenstein's monster routinely crushes.

8. Pennsyltucky (rural Pennsylvania)
Truth is: you can spot rednecks anywhere if you get lucky. Even San Francisco. But if you really want to know the breed, go Rust Belt: explore Pennsyltucky aka Pennsylbama (no relation to the rednecks' least-favourite president-elect). How do you get there? Essentially, head for Philadelphia. To see folk who think it wrong to marry outside the family, avoid the metro area. Tour the God's country provincial world of bait shops, bars, diners, bingo nights, shooting ranges, strip clubs, duck shoots and monster-truck rallies. Just make sure you do not run out of gas. Rednecks don't take too kindly to strangers snooping around their backyards. God bless America.

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Mar 29 @ 11:22AM  
They didn't mention Rural Northern MN.........where the patio furniture is the couch that was in the living room and put there after the brick broke that was holding up one end.............Where you can tell what community your in by the brand of beer cans thrown along side the road.............Where its not uncommon to get a DUI on a tractor.......that is headed back to the local VFW.............The population signs reflect the number of people and farm animals......Where drinking is not a past time but a career choice.........Where building an addition onto the home is pulling in another mobile home next to the one you already have with the hopes that the kitchen will match up.........

I guess we can only hope that after the census we will get put on the Redneck map............

Mar 29 @ 11:35AM  
Dang! I could become a Redneck, or maybe I already qualify. they sure know how to have fun. Rednecks are everywhere, don't have to look far.

Mar 29 @ 12:12PM  

If the wife wraps her legs around your neck and squeeses, does that qualify you as a redneck ?

Mar 29 @ 12:13PM  


Mar 29 @ 12:21PM  
Don't forget the Mecca for geriatric rednecks, Branson, Missouri. Just about any white musical has been that doesn't play rock and roll and hasn't sold a record, even on late night TV, since Nixon was in office can be found there at one time or another. You might pay more elsewhere, but you can't get less!

Mar 29 @ 6:22PM  
Thanks for the list of places I will never move to or visit.

I grew up near a town full of moonshine making rednecks and left at 18. There is a reason I would never move back to that town.

Mar 29 @ 6:29PM  
I don't know if there's a story behind it but there's a Buck Snort in TN!

Mar 29 @ 8:56PM  
8. Pennsyltucky (rural Pennsylvania)

Yup. Those fuckers are scary.

Mar 29 @ 8:56PM  
This is from a blog..
(Just in case the blog po-lice are out and about )

The legend of modern-day Bucksnort is this. In the late 1800's a settler... particularly a trader by the name of Buck lived in the area. Among other things, Buck supposedly sold Moonshine. Therefore, locals would say they were going to "Buck's to get a snort".

As intriguing as this is... I am not sure exactly how much fact there is to it... and I'm at this point not even sure there is any history to modern-day Bucksnort. There is no US census data at the site and no post office. However, a couple noted wrestlers seem to call Bucksnort home.

One thing that throws me off is that today's Bucksnort, TN is not the original Bucksnort, TN.

The original site Bucksnort, TN is nearly a hundred miles away in Lincoln county, just outside of Fayetteville, TN. The town of Bucksnort at this site was renamed to Mimosa, TN in 1898.

The legend of the original Lincoln county Bucksnort is that a man named William "Buck" Pamplin lived in the area before the civil war. William was an avid whiskey drinker, and would get "soused to the ears" with the stuff. Before you knew it, he was roaring and snorting until everyone around could hear him. Thus, a frequent saying around town was "just listen to Buck snort". Eventually people would run the words together, and when a post office was added in July of 1887, the surrounding community became "Bucksnort".

Funny thing though, the two legends are similar. Yet, not the same location. The Bucksnort in Lincoln county is now named Mimosa, TN, and I do not know why it was renamed. The post office was renamed to Mimosa on October 28th, 1898. In 1902, the post office was discontinued and the mail sent to Fayetteville. To this day the area is still named Mimosa.

Mar 30 @ 8:41AM  
You sure did do your homework didn't you Doc?!?!

Thanks for the info!! I knew none of that.

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Redneck Republic: America's Hillbilly Hot Spots