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I lost the one I loved

posted 3/22/2010 10:31:41 AM |
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This past Saturday evening my boyfriend passed away. He had a heart attack. He had a lot of health problems since last Oct. He has been in and out of the hospital. He just got out last Wed. I went and picked him up and brought him to my house. We were not living together full-time anymore. He stayed between his daughter's house and mine. On Saturday after I got off work I picked him up to bring him here. I had to leave and meet some friend's. I was gone for about 1 1/2 hours. I was just about home(about 6 blocks away) when he called me. He told me to hurry he was having a heart attack. I flew into my house, checked on him and called the ambulance. He told me he was in a lot of pain. I told him to hang on the ambulance was on it's way. He started sliding off the bed onto the floor. I tried to help him back up but couldn't do it. I went outside to see where the ambulance was. I went back to check on him and he was sitting on the floor using his breathing machine. I went back to the front door and finally the ambulance got here. It took them about 7 min to get here. They came in and I answered their question's. They wanted to know if he had taken anything, I said I don't know I was not here. I stayed out of their way. I was freaking out, having a panic attack, and hyperventilating(sp), They tried to get him to respond and he wasn't. They got him outside to the strecher. Another ambulance had came also. They put him in the back and shut the door's. They sat outside in front of my house for like 15 min. I thought why are they not leaving? Finally my daughter was going to go and ask what was going on( I was too scared). When she was going out the door they left. No siren on. Until they got around the corner on the next block. I had called his ex who called his daughter, She picked up his daughter to head to the hospital. I got a phone call from his ex the nurse wanted to talk to me. She had some question's for me. They were working on him at the hospital. I got a call a few min later saying he was gone. He didn't make it. I totally lost it. My friend came over to sit with me. I told her I needed to get the hospital to see him one more time and to say goodbye. She drove me I was in no shape to drive. We were taken to a family room in ER. A nurse came to talk to me. He said they did all they could. He had too many medical problems. He also told me they already took him away. He said that it was better not to see him where they had tubes going everywhere to save him. They are doing a autopsy. I was told they do one on anyone under 60,
I have no idea when the funeral is yet. Maybe Thursday? They have to wait for the report to come back before they can release him to the funeral home.
He was 47 years old. He told me last week he was going to die. He knew.
My heart is breaking. The only consulation I have is he loved me until the end. And I loved him.
The part that is going to bother me is I didn't get to say goodbye.

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Mar 22 @ 10:36AM  
I am so sorry for you loss.

Mar 22 @ 10:49AM  
Tammy, I am so sorry

Mar 22 @ 10:56AM  
I am sorry for your loss. Hopefully his family will take the high road and not be ugly to you as I recall it being a problem in the past for you.

Mar 22 @ 11:42AM  

Mar 22 @ 12:00PM  
My condolences.

Mar 22 @ 12:04PM  
I am very sorry about your loss! I am glad you have a friend there, that can help you through this!


Mar 22 @ 2:08PM  
I am sorry for you loss.

Mar 22 @ 3:08PM  
Aly, my heart goes out to you, please take care of you. Lots of things at this time are going to drive you crazy with grief, don't let not being able to say 'goodbye' be one of them! I will be thinking and praying for you Tammy, take care, xo

Mar 22 @ 3:52PM  
I'm very sorry to hear of your'll be in my thoughts and prayers!!!!!!

Mar 22 @ 4:10PM  
Please accept my condolences. May those that survive grow better and stronger for having known him.

Mar 22 @ 6:14PM  
I am so sorry to read of your loss. May your grief be brief and may you choose to remember the happier times.


Mar 22 @ 6:48PM  
flowers and prayers we send to you. Sorry for your loss.

Mar 22 @ 8:07PM  
Thank you all for your words of comfort.

His family has been great including me in the funeral plans. Two of his daughter's were here this evening to go over the funeral arrangements. They said that this was the only place he wanted to be was here with me.

We had of share of problems in the past. We were not living together for a month but we still saw each other.

I am holding up ok today. Yesterday was a hard day for me. The viewing is on Wed. The funeral is Thursday.

Mar 22 @ 8:47PM  
My sincerest condolences *hugs*

Mar 22 @ 9:00PM  
My condolences hun...take care of you and hold fast to your friends and memories to see you through the days ahead. Hugs....

Mar 22 @ 11:59PM  
So sorry for your loss........

Mar 23 @ 12:01AM  
Tammy........oh sweety. I know how hard it is when you lose someone before you got to say all you wanted to. Before you got to tell them how much you really loved them, how happy they've made you, and how you wonder how you'll ever go on without them. When I lost my b/f back in 2005 to a heartattack at the age of 38 I was so damn angry. At him for not having the surgery that could have saved him, for dying and leaving me behind, at the doctors who perform miracles every single day but couldn't seem to save him and I found myself angry at a God that would take such a beautiful, kind and loving human being away from me and his family and friends who loved him so much. He was so young, it seemed such a waste and shame. It took time, but I've come to understand better the pain he was going through. He'd been through 7 heart surgeries from birth. 5 before the age of 9. I better understood why he simply didn't want to go through another. He was happy with the life he lived. He'd loved more in those 38 years than many people do in a very long lifetime. I feel he went in peace. He used to laugh at my mom when she would scold him that he needed to slow down and get more rest, he always said he just didn't have the time and that he would rest plenty when died.
I pray for you, all the strength you will need in the coming days. If you need someone to talk to sweety, you know how to get ahold of me. Hugs and much love to you.

Mar 23 @ 4:53AM  
hang in there my friend.I guess there is no need to say goodbye cos he will live on in your heart and your memories.

Mar 23 @ 5:37AM  
I'm very sorry for your Loss!!!

Mar 23 @ 6:53AM  
Tammy my heart goes out to you honey. If you need to talk let me know I'll be glad to call.

Mar 23 @ 12:32PM  
I'm really sorry this occurred... losing a loved one is heartbreaking and very difficult no matter the circumstances.

I hope we will see more of you as your transition to a new place in life. When my husband died I used blogging to keep in touch and make new friends. It helped keep my sanity. You are a part of a group of people here who care about you... visit with us as often as you need to.


Mar 23 @ 2:02PM  
I am so sorry to hear of your loss, my prayers are with you.

Mar 24 @ 2:33AM  
i am so sorry for your loss and I hpe you will be ok....i know how painfull it is to loose someone you care about......i wish you the best....

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I lost the one I loved