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The Big Move...Long Distance Relationships

posted 2/21/2010 6:05:22 PM |
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  KitKat25

A couple of thought provoking blogs by WoW and ladykendra got me thinking about when a LDR turns into the big move.

While I've had small deceptions occur on a local basis, (Can you say blind date? ) it's quite a different story when you've moved clear across the country and these deceptions come into play. In my case, I moved from the U.S. to Canada and even though we took things very slow...deceptions were revealed. Now, I honestly believe some of these deceptions were not intentional, however; some probably were.

- If your partner has kids and you have zero experience with kids...or you don't care for them...don't pretend you're okay with them.

In my case, I wish I had done things differently in this area. Blending families is hard enough when the adults involved love children and are comfortable being around them. This was a huge stumbling block in my relationship and has just now started to resolve itself.

- If you're the one making the move to be with the other person...even if you're just going to live together...get very nosey about their finances.

I was way too polite and didn't pry enough before I moved so when I wasn't allowed to work for 2+ years because of the immigration process, the lack of my income really hurt us financially. Once I was legally allowed to work, we did fine because I could demand a large salary. But we lived on a very tight budget until this situation was resolved.

- You can NEVER ask too many questions.

I thought I asked all the right questions before my big move but I was so wrong. Making a list and trying to envision as many potential problems as possible could be a life saver. Even the simplest things...situations I thought were resolved...morphed into very large problems.

Case in point...I talked with several people at the immigration department and the school board about my son's school enrolment but found out the hard way that key questions are sometimes answered inaccurately or by the wrong person. Yes, my son could legally attend school, but no one bothered telling me about the $11,000 (per year) price tag until 3 weeks before school started. And yes...I asked multiple times if I would need to pay a fee. I ended up home schooling my son for 1 year and he hated it. Since he was super grumpy (who could blame him?)...I eventually hated it too. I could go on with multiple examples, but I'm sure you get the point.

- Recreational activities can be fun...if the person likes the same activities as you.

This was never an issue until after my move. Be honest...don't tell little white lies. It only causes trouble in the long run. If you hate shopping or hiking or traveling or poker...don't lie and say you like to do these things. I found this out the hard way. When conducting parts of your relationship over the phone or internet...it's super easy to breeze past the specifics. For instance...guys shop differently than girls so if a guy can't stand being in a store for more than 10 minutes...he doesn't like shopping. The same thing can be said about hiking. If you like to walk in a laid back manner, take pictures and just enjoy the journey...you probably won't like a 2-hour grueling hike uphill.

I'm curious as to how others feel about LDR and a potential big move.

1. If you were talking with someone over the internet and it turned into a potential LDR...would you stay the course and see where the journey takes you...or would you nip it in the bud?

2. If you continued with a LDR...how often would you make a trip to visit with that special person?

3. If the relationship turned serious....would you move to be with the other person...or would you expect them to move to your neck of the woods?

4. Would you entertain an out-of-country move to be with the person you love?

NOTE: This is my personal opinion based on real-life experiences. Obviously, I don't view myself as an LDR expert. If you're interested, WoW posted a blog about long distance relationships and the first meeting back in January. A link is attached below.

LDR - The First Meeting

Please feel free to share any personal experiences you have about long distance relationships. I would love to hear your opinions and stories.

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Comments:

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RJ53

Feb 21 @ 7:00PM  
I would probably be the one to move when I was able as I am not tied to where I live. My kids know how to come to see mom.

People who have not been around kids can be a problem. I had a short marraige in '89 that fell apart but this person had no clue what being a parent involved and it was his way or the highway on everything so I chose the highway.

As far as being lied to, you can live on the same street from someone for years. and not know anything about them. That is from experience. Maybe it is easier to pretend if you live miles away but people can lie about facts right under your nose just as well.

As for activities I don't expect someone to do everything I want to do. I am perfectly content to shop or whatever on my own. In fact I had rather do that than hear are you finished yet 25 times. I am sure there would be something we could both agree on that we like to do. And do the things we like to do that the other person has no interest in on our own.

Wordsofwit

Feb 21 @ 7:08PM  
Excellent blog, my friend and a greenie to you. I am glad that you are feeling better (I assume that you are.)

1. If you were talking with someone over the internet and it turned into a potential LDR...would you stay the course and see where the journey takes you...or would you nip it in the bud?

The major question to me in the LDR is who moves and why one person is reluctant to.

I would let the potential obstacles and lifestyle changes set the pace measuring a risk/reward benefit potential. By that I mean things like the ability for either party to relocate without risk, like giving up a good job with retirement potential.

Another major factor could be moving away from family. Yet another could be if you would be happy living in that place. Additionally, there are factors like what if you own your own home, do you rent it out. Then if it doesn't work out, what then?

Of course if someone is a nurse who can get a job readily or has a menial job with no prospects for retirement such as a security guard or fast food worker, this is of no concern because they can be replaced easily anywhere. On the other hand, if a person is a fishing boat captain and the love interest resides in Nebraska with good reasons to not relocate, there is an obvious conflict.

2. If you continued with a LDR...how often would you make a trip to visit with that special person?


I feel that absence may make the heart grow fonder. If there was connectivity the first time, and it mutually continued over the weeks/months that followed, then that would be a sign that it was more than just infatuation or being in love with being in love. But for my money, the travels to and fro need to be mutual.

3. If the relationship turned serious....would you move to be with the other person...or would you expect them to move to your neck of the woods?

Again, people need to assess where they live as being optimal for them as a couple. One must put the us ahead of the you and I. I have given this some rhetorical thought and concluded that perhaps it is not where you live, or I live, but someplace else.

Often, a person doesn't reside in a place because they want to. Two people can have the firepower financially to make the movements to live where they want as opposed to where they happen to be.

4. Would you entertain an out-of-country move to be with the person you love?

If the above considerations align, yes.
DesertSmile

Feb 21 @ 7:28PM  
Great job on this blog and such good points to make.

When I moved from St. Louis to CA years ago to join my now husband there were a few questions I should have asked and didn't. Even though we worked through the differences there were some touch and go months when I questioned my decision.
StraddleMyNose

Feb 21 @ 7:28PM  
1. If you were talking with someone over the internet and it turned into a potential LDR...would you stay the course and see where the journey takes you...or would you nip it in the bud?
I would stay the course and see where it took me.

2. If you continued with a LDR...how often would you make a trip to visit with that special person?
As much as I could if it was possible

3. If the relationship turned serious....would you move to be with the other person...or would you expect them to move to your neck of the woods? I have been pretty stubborn over the years about this, but I'm seeing another side to myself as of late after having found that special person. I now feel like I have an open mind about living almost anywhere with the woman I love.

4. Would you entertain an out-of-country move to be with the person you love? This would have to depend on a lot of things.
theSkwirl

Feb 21 @ 8:51PM  
1. It would depend on the person. I'd like to say that if I developed an LDR I would continue with it, but I've proven otherwise at least once. A very nice Egyptian doctor who wanted to import me. I finally had to just end it as there was no way it was going to work.

2. As often as financially possible. Best answer I can give you.

3. For me it would depend on where the person lived. I don't do well in city environs. I've tried it several times and I get too uptight and nervous. In the case of G and I.. he moved up to be with me. I love New Orleans but I would hate to live there.

4. Unlikely. Would really have to be a special human being who lived in a Country I wouldn't mind living in. Egypt.. not my idea of a good time. I'd love to visit but live there? Not on a dare.
somnium

Feb 21 @ 9:06PM  
- If your partner has kids and you have zero experience with kids...or you don't care for them...don't pretend you're okay with them.

Actually, it was the other way around with my 2nd ex. She didn't like my daughter! I don't think it was my daughter per say- she was simply selfish! It would have been the same with any child I had! I was aware of this but we moved to the opposite side of the state and I figured that would change her attitude about this! I was also seeing my daughter every other week for the weekend, even after the move!

Long story but I realized that her and her nut-case of a mother, were trying to get me to forget my daughter and not pay child support! Right then, it was the beginning of the end! If I were to meet a lady with a child or two, I either accept that fact in our relationship or I'm not going to get involved! In case you're wondering, I would accept the fact she has children!

As far as LDR relationships go, they haven't worked very well for me! There was one lady that I went with for about 9 months, that lived 550 miles from me and we both flew back and forth a couple of times! It was just too difficult to work out- besides, I've mentioned before, that she has a PhD in Psychology- THAT'll never happen again!



NightOfOld

Feb 21 @ 10:59PM  


Good blog. Glad your feeling better.

As far as the questions go;
Dione

Feb 22 @ 9:13AM  
Great blog! The most important aspects of an LDR, or any relationship, are honesty and trust. This takes time and a concerted effort by both parties to develop.

My personal experience was incredibly positive and resulted in marriage. Beyond the initial attraction, we were very inquisitive/curious people, so we asked each other questions all the time. When we decided to take it to the next level we listed 100 questions each and exchanged answers in writing. This was very revealing... sometimes very funny, mostly reassuring and occasionally discombobulating.

Once we decided we wanted to be together for the long term, we put everything on the table... finances, children, family, careers, religious beliefs, habits, preferences, location, etc. All of these things were blended together because we wanted it to work. However, going into this we were very serious... it's hard work and not for the feint of heart, but if you don't do this work up-front you stand a high risk of things not working out or being surprised in ways you didn't consider.

We didn't have a prenuptial, but our approach was to separate our emotions as much as possible and look at it like a business partnership. It was the smart and responsible thing to do and we were never sorry we did it this way because we didn't have the problems you've mentioned.

He relocated to where I lived, but I was willing to relocate if need be. However, his skill set was more portable than mine, so he could work anywhere. Later, we moved to where he was from because it was a mutual goal.

I would do it all over again with him. If I'm fortunate to be with another man with mutual feelings for one another, I would approach the LDR in the same way AND spend extended time with one another whenever possible before going full tilt.

This one earns a greenie.
1bunny629

Feb 22 @ 2:10PM  
Thanks for the interesting blog Kit! It sounds like you are one tough cookie! and you deserve one! Thanks Dione for sharing your story. I am so impressed! You deserve a cookie too!

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The Big Move...Long Distance Relationships