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Meeting a fraud - stay or go?

posted 2/21/2010 10:50:31 AM |
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In a blog posted earlier by ladykendra, judging weight, Sunshinegal35 posted a comment about meeting a guy for the first time in a restaurant and discovering that he was totally deceptive concerning what he looked like. She chose to stay for dinner but, though she didn't say, I assume that she never saw him again.

My daughter, who is a very large woman, encountered the same situation. Essentially, she simply told the guy, "You don't look anything like you said you did. Why would you lie about something that a person can see with their own two eyes?" The guy more or less indicated that if she liked him, it wouldn't matter. Her reply was, "Well, it does matter. Nobody likes a liar." She then walked out.

I have never encountered this type of experience but I would follow my daughter's response if I did.

Have you ever had this happen and what did you do? If you haven't experienced it, what would you do if it happened?

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Feb 21 @ 11:03AM  
Oh WOW....through the years I have encountered this more times than I can count. I will say I got better at spotting the fakes but ohhhh the experience factor was numbing.

The most interesting was the man who claimed to be 53 and we arranged to meet at a rather high end restuarant. When I went into the bar, knowing what he would be wearing, the only one I saw that matched the description, was a man, perhaps 75, sitting at the bar with sunglasses on and literally asleep over his martini.

My first words to him were "there is no way you are 53" to which he replied "yes I am" as if I were blind. We did have dinner an he was nothing more than a cranky old man that forced me to apologize to the staff for his behavior. When we left I was invited back he was told to never return.

In all of the cases I tried to be polite and extend some courtesy and "benefit of the doubt". But, after the cranky old guy...I kept initial meetings to coffee/cocktails and a time limit of 1 hour.

Feb 21 @ 11:20AM  
I have had 2 instances where the guys did not look like their pics or match their descriptions.

I met the one guy for lunch. He claimed he was 50, 5'10". I was wearing flat shoes and he was 2" shorter than I was. I am 5'6". He looked 60-70 and clearly had posted a pic from a long time ago.

We had lunch and made small talk, He looked as though he wore dentures too. When the check came, I thanked him for meeting, paid for my own lunch, and told him he wasn;t as described. When I told him he couldn;t be 5'10" because he was shorter than me,he protested that is what he writes on all of his paperwork. He kind of sat at the table stunned. I knew I hurt his feelings, but I know I would have hurt him more if I didn't stay for lunch at all or if I would have let him pay for my meal and then ditched him.

The second guy didn;t look like his picture at all and was 50 pounds or more heavier than the pic he sent. Still I gave him a chance, we had appetizers and then got in my car for a "chemistry check". In the process of groping, I still remember him mashing on my clit as if it were an "ON" button. I thinking he thought he had to literally turn me on. LOL. I did the slow fade in YM chat with him, and never explained why.

Feb 21 @ 11:22AM  
My experience is very limited with frauds... my response the two times it occurred was immediate. There wasn't any way to deny the lies whether it was age or physical condition... my response was similar to your daughters. There isn't any reason to entertain anyone who lies straight-up... why waste his or my time or money?

Feb 21 @ 12:08PM  
I've had it happen to me twice with two local ladies! The first was just 'BIG' in every way- just a big boned, big girl! We had dinner and chatted for a while!

The second was a BBW with one of those throw-over cloaks or whatever you call them- well, it didn't work! We had dinner and chatted for a while!

Both were nice ladies but both were not exactly truthful in their descriptions of themselves! Both knew somewhere during dinner, it was not going to work out with me! I wasn't mean or anything but they knew it was only one date!

I don't mind paying for dinner, even if it isn't going to work because, it's nice to go out and chat with the opposite sex once in a while, when looking... or not! How else are you going to meet the one you've been looking for? Life would be great if everything was perfect (and boring) but it isn't so, you move on and keep looking!


Feb 21 @ 12:09PM  
I have encountered that a few times but it was more in the line of personality. I am pretty laid back, ok let's face it, I am an old hippie. I plainly state that I am looking for someone similar. I met someone for lunch about 12 years ago who had described themselves as more or less the male version of me. Imagine my surprise when they turned out to be the uptight, right wing type who kept telling me how wrong I was about everything all through lunch. It got to the point where I told him I had a terrible migraine and excused myself. That was the truth by this point in time. The only physical thing anyone ever forgot to tell me was that he was blind. The guy said that when he told people that, they never gave him a chance to meet them. He was a sweetheart and in fact we became good friends and I introduced him to his wife. I think some people with low self esteem will lie because they know most people judge on looks first and get to know people second. There was never any reason to do that with me though so maybe that is why most people don't. The people I met were not off of dating sites but from a discussion group where I was one of the mods. There is one thing that has bugged me on this site. People list their race as Native American when they are in fact white. Maybe they do not know what Native American means but I sure tell them. LOL One guy said he thought it means you were born in the United States. I have nothing against any race of people but could they at least get it right on their profile?

Feb 21 @ 12:15PM  
On being a Native American.

One guy said he thought it means you were born in the United States

That is where the intelligence factor comes into play

Feb 21 @ 12:18PM  
I've never had that happen and I'm not sure what I'd do. I'm such a weenie when it comes to hurting peoples feelings that I'm pretty sure I'd be for awhile and somewhere during that conversation I'd bring it up. For me it would mostly depend on whether I liked him in spite of the deception...but he'd know I'd never believe anything he told me.

One thing that would change the above scenario...if I was looking for a serious partner/relationship/spouse....his deception would be a deal breaker and he would certainly know it.

Feb 21 @ 12:36PM  
With me, it's what I am..
Upfront..Short, fat, ugly and old..
But then again, all I'd ever want is a buddy..

Feb 21 @ 1:22PM  

Never had it happen to me, "BUT" like your daughter I would walk out. If there first words are lie's ? What can you expect in the future ?

Feb 21 @ 1:41PM  
I'm not deceptive about how I look, and I expect the same in return.

If anything, some men I met undervalued their looks and skill due to previous partners having high expectations or asking too much of them.

Feb 21 @ 1:50PM  
undervalued their looks

I have encountered that a lot. However, while some undervalued themselves, many others understated their attractiveness as they didn't want to be judged primarily by their looks.

Feb 21 @ 1:55PM  
when it comes right down to it, its one big blind date. you may not even
be meeting the person that you thought you were. a double, a triple or a replacement individual or a gang or all kinds of things like that may occur
when meeting in a public place. you may be meeting a vice squad officer instead,
a g-man, a treasury agent, a foreign spy, your communications intercepted
and read for all kinds of reasons or a kidnapper, an extortionist, all kinds of things. blind dates are pretty far out. i once dated godzilla. she was cute.
in a rather ugly and fiery way. she got me in a bear hug, threw me on the
polar bear rug, and gave me a tug. tied up it took days to escape, i prayed
to the spirit of houdini to get outta the freeze locker she put me in.

Feb 21 @ 2:03PM  
I have only had it happen to me once. He even sent me pics and when I met him later for coffee he wasnt even close to looking like the pic. I told him off and left

Feb 21 @ 2:55PM  
However, while some undervalued themselves, many others understated their attractiveness as they didn't want to be judged primarily by their looks.

I didnt think of that; but no- although attractive and engaging, some of these guys I've met had low self-worth, but were surprised that I said they were cute or handsome.

Feb 21 @ 3:09PM  
I've had more than one of those meetings! There was the scary bi-polar guy who explained that he was bi-polar, but hadn't had a really violent episode in about 3 years, and the whole time he's telling me this, he's knocking back Jack and Coke?? I'm pretty sure that shouldn't be mixed with his prescription drugs!! I made a quick exit while he was wailing out a karaoke tune to me!

Lesson learned: Think twice next time about meeting for a drink! If so, meet for coffee or soda! lol

Then there was the gentleman that had said he was in 50s, had a pic posted of an attractive man in his 50's with a full head of thick dark brown hair. Said he was 5'10". Said he was polite, refined and raised with manners! Like Aftershox, I arrived to find a much older man, balding and what little was there was snow white, and when I stepped my 5'9" inch frame out of my truck (was wearing 3" heels that day) I was looking down at the top of the balding little white head! But I had agreed to lunch, so we went on into the restaurant, where upon he proceeded to prove to be the biggest asshole I've ever met in my life! I was mortified for the wait staff, kept apologizing and tipped them VERY well when we left, going our separate ways! I refused his calls and eventually he stopped calling. However I later learned he was quite crazy, very violent and had even thrown lighter fluid on a previous girlfriend before flinging a lit candle at her! WHEW..........narrow escape!

Lesson learned: Get to know them better and run a criminal background check BEFORE meeting them!

I pretty much look at it as if they would like about their looks, something they can't easily hide..........what are they lying about that they can?????

Feb 21 @ 4:13PM  
I do want to add that if I don't find somebody physically attractive to me, that does not preclude our potentially becoming friends. But if a person is deceptive, let alone a liar, it is a deal breaker at any level.

Feb 21 @ 4:32PM  
LBS...sounds like the same cranky old guy I met...complete ass.

I have nothing against older folks, I am headed in that direction as we all are, but I certainly hope I never become a pain in the ass to anyone or lie to try and hook some young stud.

Well, on that last point...I might consider it

Feb 21 @ 8:48PM  
I guess that all I can say is, wow.. I've been really really really lucky. Everyone I've met has been exactly who they have portrayed themselves to be.. and everyone knows that I'm short, round and funny lookin so that's not really an issue.

I agree though, if I had been lied to before hand.. the first meeting would have been really very short.

Feb 27 @ 6:42AM  
I find that some people are deceptive about more than just their looks! Case in point, a date I went on four months ago. I met the guy on a dating website. We really hit it off in chat and before I knew it were madly texting one another. He eventually called me, and we were both free that evening, so we decided to meet at the foodcourt in a local mall. When I got there I was really nervous- everything I'd experienced so far with him was fantastic! I was excited, too, because the attraction was really there, and I hadn't experienced this in a really long time!
We were set to meet in the foodcourt, but actually met up in the parking lot of the mall. The chemsitry was palpable. We went on in to the foodcourt and ended up eating at Chic-Fil-A. He paid for dinner, even though I offered to pay my own way. The conversation flowed during dinner, non-stop. He then said he'd like to go to a movie. We went back out to the parking lot, and got into his car. We laughed and talked the whole way to the theater. Once we got there, he came around to my side of the car and opened my door for me. Very much the gentlemen. As we walked toward the theater, our shoulders bumped, and he reached out and took my hand.
We got in line to get tickets, and he says, rather suddenly and gruffly, "Do you mind? I mean, I paid for dinner!" I had already planned on paying for the tickets, but I thought it a bit rude for him to just "suggest" that I owed him something like that. It should have been a red-flag, but I was having such a good time with him that I blew it off...chalked it up to nervousness....
We went in to the movie and sat in the very back of the theater. He proceeded to kiss me part way thru the movie, and the next thing I know we were making out hot and heavy! He was a good kisser. A very good kisser.
After the movie it was clear that neither one of us wanted the date to end. We went back to his car (him taking my hand again). Once in his car we started making out again! We had those windows steamed up in no time!
Eventually he drove me back to the mall parking lot to pick up my car. In between kisses he talked about how it was out of character for him to behave the way he was- he also said he didn't think either one of us was a "slut", but that he wanted me very much!
I invited him back to my place. He agreed to come. Once we were at my place our make out session continued. He kept insisting that he could be "good" and not have sex on the first date. He said he had nothing against that, but what he was feeling was too good to blow with sex on the first date. That sex on the first date could mess up a good thing.
I was OK with what he was saying. I've had sex on the first date where the relationship worked out, and sex on the first date where things went south right after.
Eventually he insisted he had to get going because he had to be at work the next morning. On the way out the door, in between mad kisses, he said he wanted to see me the next night. He invited me to dinner at his place. Said he would call me the next afternoon to let me know where and what time. Told me over and over how much he was looking forward to it!
I went to bed that night and had sweet dreams of our pending date. Got up early the next morning and did some chores and the grocery run. I received a text message from him. Several in fact. Some very sexy text messages in which he said how much he was looking forward to getting together that night, etc. The last text I received from him said he'd call me when he woke up. He had to be at work that morning at 5 (I think he left my place around two the night before). He said he was going to take a nap once work was over, and that he'd call me when he woke up, probably around noon.
Well, silly me to take what he said at face value! Noon came and went that day and no phone call. I had planned to take my son, who had just come back from a school trip to Washington, D.C, up to his grandparents place. He was going to spend the night with them so I would be free to go on my "date".
Well, 3:00p.m. came and went and still no phone call from him. So I sent him a text message (I didn't want to call because I thought he might still be sleeping) asking him what the plans were for the evening.
I got a text back right away saying, "Check your email." I froze in my tracks knowing that this couldn't be a good thing. I went right to the computer and pulled up my email. There was definitely an email from him. It said, "I had a great time with you last night. You're a great girl who will have no problem finding someone! Sorry, but I have to be honest- I'm going out with another girl tonight. A girl I met at my work."
I couldn't believe my eyes! I was so shocked and taken aback, I couldn't figure out what to do next. After sitting there at the computer a while, I finally composed an email reply. I typed, "That's fine, but why waste my time?" I know I should have let him have it, but then again it was my fault for trusting his lying ass!
So, sometimes people mis-represent themselves in more ways than just not describing their true looks.
I did, however, have a chance to get even with him. A couple of weeks ago I was online, chatting with a friend, and an instant message popped up on my screen. The message came from a handle I didn't recognize. The message said, "Who are you? You keep showing up as online". I typed back that perhaps we'd met on a dating site. He then said the dating site he was on, and I said that yes, I had a profile on that site. He then started going on about how he had been working out and that he'd lost 20lbs since the pic he had on his profile was taken. I went and looked at his profile and realized immediately it was him. The great first date guy who made a date with me for the next night then dumped me for a date he already had set up with another girl.
My stomach twisted into a HUGE knot! I began typing my reply super fast into the instant message box. I laid it all out for him- a blow by blow run down of our date that evening, and how he had ended up treating me.
I don't know what perplexed me more- the fact that he had the audacity to dump me the way he did, or that he couldn't fucking remember a date he'd been on just a few months previous.
He didn't say much as I typed out the scenario- and in the end he said, "Sorry I was such a Ahole!"
He then disappeared and I didn't hear anything else from him.
So you see that some people misrepresent themsel

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Meeting a fraud - stay or go?