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My good girl has gone bad...

posted 1/31/2010 9:14:42 PM |
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For those of you who know me, I have wrote blogs about what a great daughter I have. We were close, I could trust her ect. Well now things have changed. She will be 15 next month (if I let her live that long) .

She started high school this past fall. Last year she made the "B" honor roll almost the whole year. Now she is failing two of her classes. I have told her time and time again you need to get good grades to get into college, plus to graduate.

She does what she want's to do. I found her journal and found out she has been having sex. Unprotected. I have had the sex talk with her since she was 10. She has gone out of the house in the middle of the night while I am asleep. We are always fighting about her picking up after herself. She don't help me at all. A lot of it is my fault. I never made her do it. I just did it for her. I have grounded her and while I am at work she goes to a friend's house. What do I do? Get her a sitter? I am so tired of her attitude I am going to kill her. Not really but I am so ready to smack her in the mouth. She knows I work early Saturday mornings. Her friend stays here most weekends and they are up all hours of the night on Friday night's on the computer, the phone, laughing, making a mess ect.

I am waiting for her to come to me one of these day's and tell me she is pregnate.
She talks about wanting to have a baby all the time or asks me questions about it.
I have told her she has college to go to and get a good job before kids. Plus a husband.
A large part of her attitude is my boyfriend. She hates him. She thinks that I should be alone until she moves out. I feel like I am having to choose between the two.

I am already on nerve medication. I am on pain medication because I am having so many problems with my back and now neck. I lose the feelings in my arms at times. I wake up in the middle of the night in so much pain in my arms and legs I want to cut them off.
My car broke down two weeks ago. Have no clue what is wrong with it? I have to find a ride to work and back. Anywhere where I go. Plus things are going wrong with my house.
What else can go wrong? I told my daughter that we are moving back to MN. Since she can't behave here we will move. She loves it here. I think it sucks. I am stuck at a dead end job where I am walking, lifting and it is not helping my health problems.

All I hear out of my daughter is "I need this or I need that"..WTF so do I?
Our cell phone's got shut off because I couldn't pay the bill. She wants to know when she can get a cell so she can text message her friend's. If she don't get her shit together the only way she will talk to her friend's is by smoke signal.

I am ready to pull my hair out.

Good thing I don't drink or I would be drunk all the time.

I don't know what to do anymore. I cry, I pray, I scream, I try and talk with her and she walks away. I just took my nerve pill to calm me down because I tried to talk to her and she just tells me I am bi-polar? I am not..I don't think? Between her and my boyfriend they are going to drive me to the looney bin.

I could use any advice please...

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Jan 31 @ 9:31PM  
Put your foot down. Your house your rules and back it up. Welcome to the world of being the mother of a teenager. There has to be rules and dire consequences for not following those rules. My kids used to say they hated me and storm off to their rooms. Well I wasn't put here to be their friend, I was put here to be their mother so that did not work on me. It worked though. Through all the problems they caused they grew into responsible adults. If she does not like the boyfriend, she is probably acting out because she thinks if she throws enough of a fit and causes enough problems you will get rid of him. Kids pull crap like that. Listen to her but let her know it is not her decision and you are not going to be ruled by a 15 year old. Good luck with her. If you want to move then go for it. Maybe her friends are not the best influence on her and a new location might solve some of the problems with her. Only you can know the best way to handle your child.

Jan 31 @ 9:36PM  
I have told her that I am the parent and you are the child. As long as you live under my roof you will do as you are told. Like I said before most of it is my fault I let her do what she wanted...

Jan 31 @ 9:44PM  
You have no choice...tough love is now the name of the game. She wants her cell phone back? She has to EARN it. She earns it by helping out around the house, NOT sneaking out at night, NOT walking away from you when you're talking to her...and getting good grades. If she won't conform...then she NEVER gets her cell phone back. It's that simple. Even if it takes her months...don't give in.

I went through this with my son and we were the best of friends until he hit 15-years-old. Then his attitude changed. When that happened...EVERYTHING changed. Your daughter is no longer your sweet, adorable friend...she is a selfish stranger who thinks about one person...herself.

Say it with me...T-O-U-G-H L-O-V-E.

Get ready for tantrums and yelling and all that goes with that, but it will get better if you stick to the plan.

I wish I could offer you something more but if you practice will work.

Good luck. I will keep you in my thoughts.

Jan 31 @ 9:46PM  
Don,t beat yourself up over this. You can get the situation under control. She is not going to like i nowt, but she will thank you later.

Jan 31 @ 9:53PM  
Both Rhonda and KitKat has offered up some very good advice. I'm sorry that you're going through this with your daughter.

Jan 31 @ 9:56PM  
She is not going to like i nowt, but she will thank you later.

Right there...that is what will eventually happen. All I can go by is remembering when I was 15. I was the proverbial "know it all", oh yeah, I was also "mature" and didn't like "being treated as a child". My Mom and I had some very loud "debates". One in which I got cocky and popped off with "fuck you" to my Mother. My Mother, one of the sweetest people in the world, that day, that moment, she knocked me on my smart ass. To this day, I will NOT say "fuck" in front of her. But, like RJ and Kit are saying, stand strong, you're the Mom, you daughter has to live by your rules whether she likes it or not. I know I didn't like my parents rules at 15, but, I look back now, and I'm grateful for them having the willpower to put up with my tantrums, and other teen age antics. I'm very close with my Mom, she's my best friend.

Hang in there, it may not seem like it, but eventually she will grow out of this. As to the cell phone..I agree with Kit. Until she earns it, she shouldn't get it back until she learns to be more respectful and responsible.

Jan 31 @ 10:10PM  
I agree with Kit and Sugar. The key is consistancy through tough love. Best wishes. I thank my parents daily for their tough love used to raise me.

Jan 31 @ 11:14PM  
Move...that town is going no where fast and has no potential to get any better

Feb 1 @ 12:09AM  
try some Jiff Peanutbutter
choosey Mothers choose Jiff
put some on my penis hoping someone would walk by and lick it.but it looked like shit

Feb 1 @ 12:20AM  
Well first of all let me give you some ((hugs)) and now...........First of all Tammy, if your not happy there........and she isn't behaving............moving back to MN may be the best for both of you............btw....if you move back you do know we will be less than an hour and a half from each other.......right? lol

You got some good advice here.........but let me add some quick thoughts.......she wants a baby..........good idea...........I think she should get a baby..........find someone who has this spoiled rotten baby........preferable with colic and "borrow" the baby for about 24 hrs. Make sure you will be home at the time, but tell her that she is totally responsible for that child.........She will break before that little episode is done with...........and the mom will probably be glad to have the break for 24 hrs.............

Tell her until she can start acting like a more responsible person.........her friend is not allowed to stay over and she is not allowed to stay over with her..........she wants to sneak out..........she needs to be prepared for you to call the cops to come get her............or if you know she is at a party or a place with her friends you have forbid her to be at.........go get her yourself..........but go in dress up and weird as you can and embarrass the hell out of her............

I agree that she is probably acting out somewhat because of the boyfriend but you let her run your life on this she will go for everything...........set your foot down and stick with it..............tough love is hard...........sometimes harder on you than her.......but she had to have boundaries...........she may hate you now but someday she will appreciate you................Oh and by the way........remind her when you tell her that you will move back to MN if she dont straighten her act.......that its not uncommon for us to have 40 below and tons of snow............brrrrr thats so much fun...............

good luck honey.

Feb 1 @ 1:15AM  
My big troublemaker was my oldest son. He was also ADHD on top of it and had a foul mouth and a worse temper at times. He went to the next door neighbor's house without my permission when he was about 12 years old. I did not like him hanging around these people at all. I went over and told him to come home. He told me he would come home when he was damn ready. Wrong answer. I grabbed him by his ear and his shirt collar and drug him home in front of all his friends and made sure they all saw him. That was the last time he pulled a stunt like that with me. He has now been in the Army for 13 years and has a family of his own. One year for mother's day he wrote me a long letter of apology for all the trouble he caused me through the years and thanked me for being so tough. Most of his friends from back then ended up in prison or dead or alcoholcs or drug addicts. He never went that route. He said he was more afraid of what I would do to him if he got in trouble than what the police might do.

Feb 1 @ 2:38AM  
One of my best friends who has 2 teenegers has a sign in her kitchen that reads Teenagers are the reason some animals eat their young...

Tammy, I'm sorry you are having to go through this. But like some have said, tough love , strict rules that are stuck to and earning privledges. Any and all privledges.
No over nighters if she has not done her chores around the house and if they can't appreciate the fact that you have to get up early on Sat mornings. Just tell her No. And stick to it, no giving in.
And if she breaks the rules and leaves, call the cops and let them pick her up.

But remember to appreciate if she does do things and let her know that you still love her.
Tough love is the hardest thing in the world for a parent. But you are her Mom, not her friend. And sometimes that hurts and we wonder why we can't be both..... but a parent who is doing what is best for their child out ranks friendship. Especially right now.

As for her hating your BF, maybe some of the things she has seen him do and all that has happened with him plays a big part in that.

Feb 1 @ 7:53AM  
Lots of reasonable advice. Although, I'll be the devil here and tell you, none of it will help.

First of all, your child is acting out. Basic child psychology will tell you she is begging for attention. She is having major problems with "her" life and does not know how to deal with them. Her acting out is a childs way of asking for help to solve those problems.

You need to remember her mind is not fully developed yet and can not process all of the "changes" her life and body are going through. Moving back to MN, may very well be the best thing for both of you. However it is not the "fix" that your daughter needs even if you do move. Your daughter is going thru a chemical change and needs help with that. BIRTH CONTROL!!!!!!!! Get her on birth control right away. It will calm down the hormones that are making her crazy. Only then will you be able to have a real conversation with her about whats going on in "her" life.

Believe me when I tell you, birth control can change a demonically possessed teen-aged girl back into a human being. My daughter and I had these same issues. Solved entirely with BC.

Secondly, you need to change gears as a parent. She is no longer the little girl who looks up to you as a mentor. She views you as a peer at best. Teens truly believe they know more than you could ever know about being a teen. You now have to prove to her that you see the world the same way she does. This can be very difficult to do. We forget all the little misunderstandings we had at that age and take for granted that we "figured" them out along the way.

Being liked is the only form of success a teen really has. They have already experience success with school grades and do not see them as a challenge. Peer acceptance however is the new grade. You are going to have to alter her idea of peer acceptance.

I hope this at the very least spawns some ideas that you can use to move beyond the torment you are both feeling.

Feb 1 @ 7:59AM  
For those who may doubt my relationship with my daughter I refer you to...

She was 15 at the time. She is going to be 18 in a few weeks.

Feb 1 @ 9:04AM  
Sounds like some great advice.
My daughter is 16 and at 15 started she started all that crap also.
Put your foot down, the only thing that I have found that helps.
About using birth control. Give it a shot I was told the same thing that nativeamr35 said. I found that it effects girls in different ways and for my daughter it DID NOT help my daughters attitude AT ALL, but she is less likely to get pregnant.

Good Luck

Feb 1 @ 10:05AM  
Thanks for all your advice. As I sit here with tears running down my face hurting for both of us. My daughter and me.

Last night she told me that none of her friend's like me except for the one that stays here most weekends. The other's are afraid of me.. The main reason I let her one friend stay here every weekend is because her mom is always at work. Her friend calls me her mom because she see's me more than her own mom.

When we did have our cell phone's my daughter was at her friend's house. It was getting late. Around 9:00. I told her she needed to get home I had to get to bed to get up early for work. She text me back and said she was not ready to come home she was "busy" I said come home NOW. She didn't reply. I text her again and said if you don't get home right now I will have the cops come and get you but you will not come here I will have you taken to Children's Services where they can deal with you.

When she sneaks out at night it is when her friend is here. She told me they don't go anywhere but to the back yard. By the way my boyfriend is the one who told me they are outside. I said that don't matter you don't need to be outside in the middle of the night.

She wanted a job last summer to make her own money to buy clothes. The school she goes to is "Snooty". Most of the kid's their parent's have money to buy them name brand clothes, ect. I told her to get a babysitting job. Which she never did.
A friend of mine and me were going to Dayton a few day's before Christmas to a outlet mall. I asked my daughter if she wanted to watch my friend's two granddaughter's ages 7 & 6. My friend get's a phone call from someone who tells her that whoever is watching the girls is being mean to them and won't feed them. One of the girls called their other grandma and told her this and she called my friend to tell her. I called home to find out what was going on. My daughter said that she told the girls to go into the living room and play she was on the computer and they were being loud. Oh yeah my boyfriend's daughter brought her two girls over also so she could go visit her dad in the hospital(he was in again at that time). So there were 4 kids here..All around the same age. I asked my daughter why she didn't feed the kids. She said she made pizza rolls but there was not enough for everyone and she was hungry. I said you feed yourself but not the kids. And we had other food to feed them. Frozen pizza, easy stuff to make. I said I can't trust you to even babysit and they are not babies.

I made her sit down last night and talk with me. Like I said before a lot of it has to do with my boyfriend. Both of them butt head's. He tells me that she needs to learn to pick up after herself instead of him or me doing it. He don't tell her what to do. Him and me have our share of problems and I told him a couple of weeks ago that we need to go our seperate ways. I love the guy but I just can't take the stress. That will be talked about in another blog.
As for moving back to MN...I don't think my body can take the cold. I have severe arthritis in my back and it is cold here now. Plus my mom sold her house there and I have no place to go.

I didn't want to put her on birth control. I felt like if I did that I was giving her permission to have sex. I told to her wait. She did tell me she had sex once and it hurt. Then I found her journal and found out the rest.
She wants me to take her to a professional so she can have someone to talk too. I said as soon as I can buy a car I will take you. She asked me if I had to be in the room also? I said no. She went to the school counselor and they called me to let me know she was there. The counselor told me that she was busy and couldn't talk to my daughter and told me to take her to a professional. What kind of counselor is she at the school? I hate the school she goes to.

Thanks again for all your help on this..You guys are the best.

Feb 1 @ 11:30AM  
Hang in's tough to be a mom, and it's tough to be a teen. I agree with the advice of hard rules....

My daughter was on birth control at line of thought was, I always made her wear her seatbelt...just in case! I don't think it is giving her permission, I think it is taking care of her....the last thing you or her need is a baby. Once a person starts having sex, they are not going to stop.

Best of luck, and this to shall pass

oh, check on community mental health, or ask the crappy counsler if there is any mental health services offered at her school

Feb 1 @ 12:46PM  
First of all if your daughter's friend is sneaking out of the house with her then she does not need to be at your house. If you ever call your daughter to come home and she does not do so right then, you go get her and make sure you do it in front of her friends. As for birth control, she is already having sex, are you prepared to be a grandma right now and raise another child? Because if she cannot even babysit older children she is not going to take care of a baby. Sounds like she did not ask your permission to have sex, the thing now is to make sure she does not have a baby. Beleive me I had three teenagers at one time and if I had not been the cross between a pitbull and a drill sgt. I would have had a lot more problems as we were living in the slums at the time and there was a lot they could get into. Having a teenager is never easy. It is a war between you and her hormones and it is up to you which side is gong to win.

Feb 1 @ 5:10PM  
I didn't want to put her on birth control. I felt like if I did that I was giving her permission to have sex

I got news for ya, she doesn't need your permission!!!! Or did the whole her already having sex not sink in.

Since that was a bit harsh lets say it another way. Can she walk and talk? Can you stop her from walking or talking where ever she might be? No you can not.

BC is not "permission". It is protection. She is going to do it even if you don't want her to. You need to be the bigger person, (i.e. Parent) and get her on BC.

And!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Make her take it on schedule. Very important part this one.

I know I seem rude and condescending, but half of the problems you are creating. She is not 8 years old any longer. You need to grow with her.

The counselor told me that she was busy and couldn't talk to my daughter and told me to take her to a professional. What kind of counselor is she at the school?

The kind that can see there is more to the problem than just the child. Just as I do from hundreds of miles away. I am being mean because you need a wake up call. What you have been doing isn't working, continuing to do this will continue to not work.

Feb 1 @ 6:25PM  
Yeah it sucks.. this is the part where you really have to practice being teh parent and not the best friend. The good news is that in about three years she will almost be human again.

If she wants a baby so badly take her to a daycare center for a few weeks of 'community service" find out how much she likes that crap.

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My good girl has gone bad...