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My Revenge Will Be Rushed And Unfulfilling

posted 1/19/2010 3:45:21 PM |
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tagged: satire

OK.. For the anal retentives..I confess this came from The Onion..
And I actually did mean it as a satiric humorous attack on a known instigator..

Ah, yes. The time is at hand. No more shall the countless humiliations you have heaped upon me go unanswered. At last, the moment of reckoning. A forced, sloppy, blink-and-you'll-miss-it reckoning.

You shall rue the day you met me, my friend. If indeed you even remember who I am.

Secretly, silently, have I contemplated my revenge. Oh, how I've dreamed vaguely of this moment, waking with just a hazy recollection of standing triumphant over you while you pleaded helplessly for something or other. Most likely mercy. But when the real time comes, I shall grant no mercy, just as you are unlikely to ask for any, because you're probably not going to know, or care, what hit you.

I have been laying the groundwork of my plan for the better part of this morning! There are many holes in it, but it culminates in the utterance of a cruel, pretty obscure nickname that only I and one other person I met on the Internet know. Numerous details still need to be worked out, but rest assured, when the time is not quite right, I will act hesitantly and ineffectively, making you look the fool in theory, but not in practice, in front of up to three people, including me.

I cannot wait to see the look of borderline indifference in your eyes, if you're facing me at the time! The expression of slight confusion that will wash over you as my plan unfolds and then swiftly fizzles out.

Oh, how completely unsatisfactory it's going to be. Just you wait, my friend. Just you wait and see.

Afterward, I will likely return to my inner sanctum, replaying the moment over and over in my head, kicking myself for jumping the gun and wishing I hadn't been too cheap to spring for a more elaborate comeuppance.

Realistically speaking, I probably shouldn't be writing these words, as they are making my plan itself public knowledge. After all, the less you comprehend of my botched, hasty attempt at vengeance, the more it will take you by mild surprise. That said, I so look forward to it. Just know that I fully planned to contact the cheerleader you had a crush on in high school and invite her to share in your downfall, but I kind of ran out of time and never got around to finding out which one she was, or where you went to high school, or important stuff like that.

My God, I can feel the sobering rush of disappointment rising within me already!

Yes, my friend, the sense of anticipation is delicious, yet not so enticing that I won't under-think my plot so it has no chance of working. Case in point: I forgot to purchase the bungee cord that is needed for the launching mechanism, so I've improvised with a handful of cracked old rubber bands that I scraped together around the office, all but guaranteeing a spectacular failure. Ah, what shallow depths of cunning my feeble mind has plumbed.

When I exact my tepid revenge—if you can call it that—you will know a brief moment of bewilderment before carrying on with the rest of your day and, indeed, your life. And I will be filled with shame and regret, too defeated ever to try to best you again.

It's like the old saying goes: "Revenge is a dish best served as soon as the urge strikes." And so I shall. Probably.

Now, where did I put that pie

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post a comment!


Jan 19 @ 3:48PM  
Go for it!!

Jan 19 @ 4:03PM  
this should be fun

Jan 19 @ 4:11PM  

Jan 19 @ 4:32PM  
This is by Mitchell Fuchs of the's an interesting piece on revenge at it's sloppiest.

My Revenge will be rushed and unfulfuilling


Jan 19 @ 6:58PM  
That is funny The guy wasn't Italian or Irish I gather.

Jan 19 @ 7:34PM  
it's an interesting piece on revenge at it's sloppiest.

Thanks for your opinion but what is your point??

Jan 19 @ 7:47PM  
My point was to credit the actual author of the blog.
I read the Onion everyday, and it wasn't clear when it was posted on AMD who actually wrote it.

Jan 19 @ 7:57PM  
So?? Do you post a link or give credit every time when it's due???
I think your buddy is spoiling you..

Jan 20 @ 9:10AM  

Well at least whoever conjured this revenge plan up knew how to spell and construct sentences!!!

Jan 20 @ 9:24AM  
Do you post a link or give credit every time when it's due???

You're damned right I do!!!

I have seen my blood boil in the past on more than one occasion where some slag on a minor business technology site copy/pasted one of my articles without my permission, without my citation, and one case the sleazeball took my article verbatim and posted it under their byline.

In that case, my publisher had legal on their ass like stink on a fart.

I admit, doc, that I am very disappointed in you doing this

Jan 20 @ 10:45AM  
My point was to credit the actual author of the blog.
I read the Onion everyday, and it wasn't clear when it was posted on AMD who actually wrote it.

So?? Do you post a link or give credit every time when it's due???
I think your buddy is spoiling you..
In all fairness, Doc, it's only right that the original author get credit for it.
And no, I don't post links when I copied something by someone else, but I do tell who wrote it if I know or where I found it. Or I say I don't know.
I don't get anal about it..........

However, while reading this I did know how it was going to end, leading me to believe that I have possibly read it before. And not yesterday in the Onion..........

Jan 21 @ 2:07AM  

Jan 21 @ 2:23AM  
To be perfectly honest...I am just glad Doc isn't the dumbass that wrote this. I think he was just trying to make a point and not worried how he did it...but geeezzzz...the onion???? Stop...please....stop...think before you copy and paste. Do you really want us to know how you feel and what you're trying to say via through that guy? Hugs! M

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My Revenge Will Be Rushed And Unfulfilling