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I Know Why...

posted 1/18/2010 7:39:15 AM |
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tagged: friends, death, anger, sadness
  MonkeyWoman30

I don't have a 'best' friend. Hell, I don't think I even have any friends. I moved away from what I consider my home town of twelve years but the best and only friend I ever really had died what seems to be a million years ago (but is on actually nine) in 2001.

I have such a hard time forming emotional attatchments to people. I am open about who I am and what I have experienced in my life but the hardships have come in so many forceful waves that I can look at a complete stranger and recount a traumatic time in my life like I was placing an order at KFC. It's emotionless. I don't have to trust them not to tell; I don't mind telling. It's not that it doesn't hurt and that I don't sit all alone and cry sometimes; I do. It's just that I would never show that side of myself to very many people. It's a part of me that is so vulnerable and child-like and oh so damaged that I don't think many people could handle it and it would most definitely scare some away. In fact, it already has. Many. But, recounting the events that cause my lonely and painful feelings are entertaining horror stories for one and all.

And yet... I want that bond with someone again. Like I had with my best friend Nancy. She died at age 23 of a heart attack. I won't go into the details but she was very young and it shocked us all and it ripped away not only my best friend but someone I considered a sister; no, not considered - not claimed - She WAS my sister by all rights-and it tore my soul in two. Nancy knew things about me, about things that happened to me, about things that I did that I was proud of, or not proud of; she knew EVERYTHING about me. She was the one person on this Earth that I trusted and told my secrets to. We'd sit for hours nursing cokes or beers and share the pain and suffering of our lives and we'd cry and laugh, We'd hold hands and find junk food or take off in the middle of the night to an all night diner and sip coffee and laugh some more over breakfast. She was an angel that I thought God had sent to me and I was sure that I would have her in my life for a very long time. In reality we only spent three years together as sisters and friends.

And for the nine years after that, I have never been as close to another soul. Not even my own flesh of my flesh sisters. There are many reasons for that as well, as we all grew up apart in foster care, but blood may not be thicker than water when water is all you need to wash your hurt away. Nancy did that for me.

I look around at work and see petty snide games being played, I see favortism, I see hatred breed silently and girls talk about each other behind their backs. I see false comradory (sp?) and real tension. I see anger. I see no one who desires to help another. I see desires to get in good with the boss or get ahead at all costs. Even the boss is part of these shenanigans. And why? Why as women can't we stand up and stand beside each other, help to unify our goals and put aside our differences? Why can't we care? We're supposed to be the fairer sex, but I see no fairness among us. It's always that we feel that we must scratch and claw our way to the top and step or stomp on whomever is in our way.

This has always been the way I see the world, wherever I go. In school, in church, in the foster homes I was raised in, there was no sense of moral obligation; no sense of duty, no sense of family So, with no sense of family, I made quick work to make it have no sense to have any real friends. I'm too afraid to take that leap. I'd sooner marry someone for security and health than marry them for love and passion. I don't befriend anyone beyond having to say hello and make small talks and jokes with them at work, I have the perfect job because I am usually there alone and I see four or five hundred people a day for about two to five minutes a day.

In short, I have wrapped myself in a cocoon, and I don't know how to get out of it. I sat down here to write this tonight because an old friend - or should I say an old acqauintance- of mine wrecked her car and was killed last night on a nearby road. We used to work together and she came over to mine and my sister's first ratty apartment to hang out and eat spaghettios and listen to music. I was fond of her but never close. Her death shook me a little tonight because it made me wonder why... why in the world... don't I have any friends? She could have been one for a lifetime if I'd only made the effort. Why am I so guarded? Now I don't have the chance to speak to her, to rekindle a budding friendship.. she was here.. and now she's gone. I knew where she worked. I knew where she lived.... but I know why...
I don't have a 'best' friend. Or any friends.

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Comments:

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Wordsofwit

Jan 18 @ 9:09AM  
It is not unusual for the fear of a memory pain to be the most powerful force within somebody. When they feel a closeness or bond developing, they sense their vulnerability as the threat of the memory pain recurring grows in potential. As a result, people can build a wall to keep others out and in so doing, they construct their own prison.
JsGirl69

Jan 18 @ 10:36AM  
I dont have the answers for you,& my magic wands in the shop.I can say that I can relate, though,& offer my condolences.I feel pretty damn distant from those around me 90% of the time.
Dione

Jan 18 @ 10:47AM  
WoW's comment is not only insightful, it is correct. I wish I could provide something helpful to you... some kind of wisdom, but maybe all you need is for someone to listen.

I'm leaving a greenie—you've captured your feelings very well on the virtual page. I'm hoping you will find a way to accept the pain of the past and begin to live in the present with a renewed spirit.
soft_touch938

Jan 18 @ 11:11AM  
I don't have any answers either but you do sound like a very young version of me.

I can only venture a guess from my own perspective. You see...I don't have friends either...just acquaintances. It's from my own choosing...I am unable to let anyone "in"...and after all these years, I've grown to not WANT to let anyone in...my choice now is to be a true loner.

From your description of what you see around you I'm wondering if the word 'jaded' would be appropriate? You know....I see the same things you do and none of it encourages me to want to make friends. From what I see and experiences in my life...I am jaded and distrustful.

Maybe for both of us there's just been too many negatives and not enough positives.

You're young...I truly hope you seek to find a new way. You're intelligent and pretty and I'm betting you have a good personality when you want to present it to others. Know that you can't change others...only yourself...how you perceive them, interact with them and the willingness to let a chosen few whom you enjoy and trust inside your wall.

Who knows....let in a few and that wall just might come tumbling down. Good luck hun...
lunanegra

Jan 18 @ 11:15AM  
Pretty much what WoW said. Only thing is, I live it.
mo_stargazer

Jan 18 @ 11:30AM  
Although our experiences are different, I feel like I can relate to you. When I was reading this, it was like my own feelings and thoughts put into words even better than I could explain them.
RevDocLove

Jan 18 @ 12:15PM  
I'm pretty much like the rest of you, but Softie said it best, at least the way I feel about things..
RJ53

Jan 18 @ 12:31PM  
Sometimes losing someone that close to you can leave a hole in your life. You are scared to let someone else in because you are afraid of losing them too. I can understand that. but you cannot let grief and loss rule you life or it will only get harder to relate to other people as years go by. Try keeping a journal and write down everything like you did here and also write down what changes you want to make in your life, even if it is just being the first to say good morning to someone and ask them how they are doing. You don't have to jump in all at once, just set goals for what you want to happen and take baby steps in that direction. You cannot expect everyone else around you to make all the effort to be your friend. To have friends, you have to be a friend. If I might suggest also, when you first meet people do not dump your whole past on them at one time. That is something they can get to know about you as time goes on. I might suggest you see a grief counselor and talk to them about the friend you lost. Your local health department might be able to point you in the right direction for that.
I hope you can start taking the steps to healing. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you and it is up to you how you want to spend it.
theSkwirl

Jan 18 @ 12:41PM  
And people wonder why most of my real close friends are men?
xquseme

Jan 18 @ 1:25PM  
I remember listening to one of those self-help radio shows, where a caller mentioned
that they had no friends and had no idea where to meet people. The host commented
that many, if not most, adults have nobody that they can call a friend, and that it is
by no means unique to feel lonely in our world.

While going through my divorce, someone mentioned to me that the singles group at
a nearby church might be a good idea. Even if you're not religious, such a group can
provide a place to socialize, dine out or attend small groups. This particular group
provided dance lessons and a monthly gathering for dancing and socializing, along
with their weekly meeting and small groups. It was a good place for me to go to meet
people of similar age and circumstances while I passed through a difficult time in my life.

Good luck in your continuing search!
selectusername

Jan 18 @ 4:02PM  
The gossiping and backstabbing can poison family relationships as
well as those in the workplace. I was baffled by this for years because
it just isn't something I participate in very often and there are people around
who are obsessed with it. I've had to learn to speak out against it occasionally

so that people know that I do NOT want to hear it or participate.
MonkeyWoman30

Jan 19 @ 2:38AM  
Thanks for the comments and advice everyone!

Regards,
Kris
MonkeyWoman30

Jan 19 @ 2:53AM  
RJ53: If I might suggest also, when you first meet people do not dump your whole past on them at one time.

Believe me dear, I don't. When someone asks me about my family, I simply tell them the truth. I tell them I am estranged from my father and my mother passed away when I was nine.

It is they who choose to dig for the juicy tidbits that my mother shot my father six times because he beat the hell out of her on a daily basis and then she hung herself awaiting trial in jail.

Them: When will I meet your parents
Me: Previous answer
Them: Why won't you talk to your Dad? How did your mother die?

What, lie? Tell them to stfu and its none of their business? I don't care what people ask, the answers are robotic now. Do you think I just walk up and start regaling my childhood? I don't. People poke. They prod. Then they get their free enter-frigging-tainment!
lkg4action

Jan 20 @ 3:12AM  
Have to put this in first ended up writing more and telling more than I meant to. I can relate to much of what you have been through though not all. I lost my child hood best friend when I was fourteen he was a hit by a hit and run. Then in my early twenties lost my best friend to a auto accident. Then in my late twenties lost another best friend to a boating accident! Lost one best friend to my sister as he wasn't the same after they married! Have lost my mother and father plus six brothers. One brother that was a year older than me at four years old my dad ran over and killed just a accident but he never got over it and I never new my brother. One that committed suicide in my mothers house after being gone for ten years because of a women that finally dumped him. Another that was retarded and had terrible health problems and died when he was thirteen and I loved him so much! Another drown taking a swim in a lake while building a pavilian that he begged me to help him with and I was too hung over and no one there even tried to help him! They were scared he might drown them and I was there when they pulled him out of the lake. My father and other brothers died of cancer and suffured like you wouldn't believe! My father told me that it was like a turtle was eating his lungs and all the pain killers they gave him didn't help and ask me to kill him and I couldn't. My Mother was the sweetest little women there ever was an had to go through all of this plus a stroke, diabeties, lost her sight and most of her hearing and finally her body gave out! We all in this world I know are beaten down one way or another and how we decide to take it decides what we make of this life. You never know where your next best friend will come from! Mine came from the local kill shelter! I call him buddy and I tell him I love you when no else does and I know he loves me!
PS many of us at a friends funeral was sure he was watching! That out the corner of the eye thing! Who knows just be who you are today don't let the past hold you back! Email me if you want who knows we might end up being friends.

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I Know Why...