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Open Sexual Discussions...

posted 12/27/2009 2:23:24 PM |
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  DesertSmile

I recently had a discussion with a young friend of mine who, once again, was coming out of a relationship (and this one truly hurt him). He is 35, successful, boy next door good looks, 3 digit income, owns (not the bank) his own home and frankly he is a truly nice guy. He dates women of equal education and status so it's not as though he is dating gold diggers (though there still were a couple of those as well that snuck in) yet each relationship fails him and he can't figure out why.

After discussing all that happened in the last relationship I finally quiz him on the success or failure in the bedroom (to me it was the only thing that made any sense to me). He stated he loved sex and thought he was a good partner and was willing to "do anything she wanted". Ah haaa.. those 4 little words told me what I needed to know; he was a dud in the sack.

Now I happen to know this fellow is gifted in the package dept. (I have seen him enough in swim trunks to know) but it seems that was as far as his abilities went. Upon further quizzing he never initiates anything new, rarely takes the lead (after all he has the big cock don't ya know) and has no imagination but is a willing partner if "she" suggests something.

I asked him if he and his last girlfriend ever had frank sexual discussions about likes and expectations in the bedroom. He promptly replied "of course not it just happens". Well, what I told him was, his relationships are "just failing" because of his lack of effort on the sexual side. He had all the bases covered except home plate.

I told him I was guessing that these women looked down the road 5 years and saw a very unfulfilling sexual relationship in which they were doing all the work. Women love when a man puts thought and effort into their lovemaking and how is that expected to come about unless the 2 of you have discussions and fantasy about your sexual sides.

He sat there, stunned at what he heard and admitted he had never thought about it the way I described.

A few days later he calls me to say he just had a conversation with the gal who had broke up with him. He pointedly asked if his bedroom demeanor had anything to do with the breakup. He told me she hesitated for several seconds before answering "yes, it was the one thing missing for me". He was shocked and stunned and the news hit him hard.

I guess my point is, for those of us who view a sexual relationship an important component of the relationship itself, it simply cannot be achieved without discussion. And, if that discussion is missing, it's almost a guarantee one or both of the parties involved are going to be unhappy and unfilled.

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Comments:

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sugarnspice005

Dec 27 @ 2:40PM  
Yep, whether it's about sex, or dinner, communication is key in a relationship. I never understood why some, when they get into a relationship, figure their partner "knows" their needs and feel they don't have to discuss it.
Wordsofwit

Dec 27 @ 2:48PM  
The problem that I, and others, have experienced in this area is that many people get to be quite offended if honesty is not to their liking. Sometimes it gets thrown back at you even years later.

Hell, look how people react on here if they are told a blog is lame or a joke stale. Imagine the reaction if in a budding relationship they were informed they were a sub par lay.

Communication is important but it is also quite dangerous.
DesertSmile

Dec 27 @ 2:58PM  
It's not about being a sub-par lay it's about communication with your partner. If you can't do that, you have chosen the wrong person.
ksk72

Dec 27 @ 3:06PM  
It's not about being a sub-par lay it's about communication with your partner. If you can't do that, you have chosen the wrong person
That phrase just needs to be highlighted

Good in bed or bad in bed if your cant communicate your needs they are not going to get satisfied
Wordsofwit

Dec 27 @ 3:22PM  
I am quite communicative and so has most everyone I have been with. I agree that communication is essential on all subjects.

My point was that people can tend take things very personally. The old line, "Well, nobody ever complained before." comes to mind.

Additionally there are some people that are not going to good lovers no matter how hard they try or how well they follow instructions with diplomatic and clear communication.

Great blog, BTW, and worthy of a green cookie.
RJ53

Dec 27 @ 3:32PM  
If there is something you do or do not like in bed, don't wait to be asked, just tell them. People are not mind readers and some are shy about bringing up the subject. You could start by asking what they like and then slip in your likes and dislikes without making them feel like they are doing things wrong. A little psychology in the bedroom can go a long way towards making everyone happy.
Dione

Dec 27 @ 3:53PM  
Communication in or out of bed is essential for any relationship to work! I think we forget sometimes there are more ways to communicate than just verbally. Although good verbal skills help immensely, the art of cuddling-murmuring-touching-kissing-romancing cannot be overlooked. It's during these moments of intimacy that seal the best relationships.

Open sexual discussion is good, but it needs to be done in a very trusting, gentle way to avoid being critical. I usually find this discussion to be appropriate while NOT engaged in sex. I also cannot omit the importance of humor... not the ragged edge kind, but the playful and imaginative kind. JMO
DesertSmile

Dec 27 @ 3:57PM  
I usually find this discussion to be appropriate while NOT engaged in sex.

I 100% agree with this comment so as not to confuse pillow talk with the real discussion, which if done properly leads to pillow talk
DesertSmile

Dec 27 @ 4:04PM  
WoW, we all have different levels of what we consider to be a good lover so there is no guage to judge all by. The object is to get people talking to one another before they slip that ring on the finger and discover a horrible mistake.

Ladies and gentlemen if you are not comfortable talking and discussing sex then you shouldn't be participating in a committed relationship with someone who wants that discourse. Of course the same goes with finances, etc.etc. It all runs together.

Put yourself on the line about your wants and needs, if you don't and end up unhappy you only have yourself to blame, not your partner.
theSkwirl

Dec 28 @ 2:15PM  
Great discussion and blog.

Communication is the key to any relationship working, and if you are unable to discuss every aspect of the relationship with honesty and understanding, you'll never succeed.

Passing over a green cookie.
Wordsofwit

Dec 28 @ 2:38PM  
WoW, we all have different levels of what we consider to be a good lover so there is no guage to judge all by.

I understand your point, but I disagree. Sex is like a sporting contest in that what matters sexually is the final score; how many orgasms, how intense, and how satisfied one is. We all measure present and future lovers against those in our past. How we feel about it is the bottom line.

Communication is essential, but if the potential talent is limited, you will only get to the extent of the talent. Some people just do not have the physical ability or desire to cut it. It happens in many areas outside of the bedroom. My mother mother used to say, "You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear."

If the other person fits most of the bill that you're happy with but is a dud in the bedroom, how important is it to you? That will vary with every person.

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