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A West Virginia Christmas Story

posted 12/21/2009 12:03:26 PM |
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tagged: funny, story

An Oldie but still funny

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the hollers,
It was colder than crap, I think I needs me a swaller.
The sweat socks were hung over the woodstove with nails,
They stunk like old cheese, but who really cares.
The kids they was stacked like cordwood in bed,
Three that are mine, four cousin Freds.

Mama and me were drunk passed out in the sack,
We just finished downing a Busch Light twelve pack.
When out in the yard there arose such a clatter,
I grabbed my old rifle to see whats the matter.

Away to the window I ran really fast,
Thinking some varmint had got in my trash.
The moon was a glowing on the snow so darned bright,
I could see plain as day through my scope in the night.

When what to my bloodshot eyes should appear?
But a miniature sleigh, pulled by eight big horned deer!
A little old man with a beard white as duck,
Crashed on top of the barn and got his ass stuck.

He cursed at those deer, and grabbed an old whip,
He was fixin'to teach those eight bucks real quick!
“Now Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen!
You too Comet and Cupid, Donner and Blitzen!
Land on the house not the barn!!” He was a bitchin!

Then the old man pulled on the reins real hard and tight,
And the bucks pulled the sleigh off the barn with a might.
Then on top off my house they crashed with a BANG!
They tore off my gutters, gosh darn-it all dang!

I flew down the stairs to check on the site,
When that fat little fellow came down the stovepipe.
He had a q*eer little outfit, kinda looked like an elf,
"Must be from Shepherdstown" I said to myself.

He had a big heavy sack slung over his back,
A winters worth of vittles must be stuffed in that pack!
His eye's kinda twinkled and he had dimples how merry!
His cheeks were all rosy…. he must be a Fairy!

He was smokin' a pipe and was taking a toke,
It smelled sorta funny, like wacky old dope.
He had a really round face, his eyes sorta scrunched,
He kept rootin' around looking for something to munch.

I sensed he’s a stoner, a dope head, a waste..
And I figured this fools trying to rob my 'ol place!
I thought to myself " I oughta just blast him!",

He turned round to see me, and reached for his sack
I got off the first round and just grazed his fat back!
His eyes got real big, I thought he was froze,
Then all of a sudden up the stovepipe he rose!

He was cursing and shouting to his deer on the run,
"This crazy old coot is firing a gun!"
He jumped in his sleigh and kept his head down,
I couldn't sight in that big old fat clown.

But his bucks were wide open and the moon was still bright,
And I caught the lead deer in my scope with that light;
I took a deep breath, and let one round fly,
Dasher got smashed, he's gonna diel

The sled then slowed down, dead weight it was liftin',
So I got a shot off on Donner and Blitzen.
“Three bucks did I shoot!” I exclaimed with a might
“Merry Christmas to all! We got venison tonight!”

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post a comment!


Dec 21 @ 12:15PM  
Yes it is a classic. Thanks for posting it. I'll slip you green thing.

Here is a different version of the Redneck Night Before Christmas.

White Trash Christmas

The Twelve Redneck Days of Christmas


Dec 21 @ 12:25PM  
I have mixed feelings on that.


Dec 21 @ 1:43PM  
Gotta' love those spoofs on Xmas poems

Dec 21 @ 6:12PM  
That was good!

Dec 21 @ 9:04PM  
Thank you everyone. It was sent to me by a friend and I just thought it was worth passing on. Kind of a Oldie and Moldie, but it still has it's chuckle value.

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A West Virginia Christmas Story