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Real conversations at my house

posted 12/2/2009 11:17:53 PM |
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Real life conversations you wouldn’t believe if you were around here… Seriously; these (paraphrased from memory) are what passes for conversation in my house… Bare in mind these are all dead pan conversations… I didn't invent the "running gag" I just abuse it profusely!

Wyldechild “Know what? We should get a panther.”
Sunny “Why would you want one?”

Wyldechild “Because, it’s the Carolina mascot!”
Jean “no”

Wyldechild “Billy can we get panther?”

Billy “No it’ll eat the giraffe.”
Wyldechild “What giraffe?”

Billy “The one I wasn’t gonna tell your mom about until I got.”

Or this gem…

Billy “Hey baby can I build a swamp boat out of the old attic fan?”
Sunny “No, it’s for sale in e-bay”

Billy “you’re selling my swamp boat?”
Sunny “No I’m selling the fan.”

Billy “I’ll buy it how much is it?”
Sunny “no you are not building a swamp boat.”

Billy “but….”
Sunny “we don’t have a swamp”

Billy “no, you mean we don’t have a swamp yet.”

Three or four weeks later we got biblical rains…
“Yanno a swamp boat looks like a good investment right now… could ride it out back!”

Then I got this hair up my ass after playing Halo…

Billy “ewe baby baby come here.. there’s a hover craft in this game!”
Sunny “okay that’s nice.”

Billy “I want one pluh-lease!”
Sunny “No”

Billy “but…”
Sunny “no”

Billy “but…”
Sunny “what would you do with one?”

Billy “Ride it up to the gas station for cigarettes”

Days later.

Sunny “whatcha drawing sweet heart?”
Billy “blue prints”

Sunny “for what?”
Billy “my hover craft!”

Sunny “what are you going to build it out of?”
Billy “the metal studs in the basement, a tarp and that old attic fan.”

Sunny “we sold that fan.”
Billy “oh nit pick it why don’t you?”

Sunny“you can’t build a hover craft.”
Billy “can too”

Sunny“Okay but first fix the wiper blades on your truck and put in a head light”
Billy “fine no hover craft.

It’s not limited to Billy and I; the insanity is contagious…

Olderest“hey dad can I have a monkey?”
Billy “no, you don’t want a monkey, they’re filthy little things”

Olderest “ but nobody else has one!”
Billy “they don’t have three eyes either huh?”

Olderest “c’mon dad I’ll take care of it”
Billy “Bry they throw poop around”

Olderest “I know that’s the funny part”

Just recently:

Sunny “hey baby come quick, there’s a hover craft on TV”
Billy “*yawn* oh how nice”

Sunny “hey that is cool, could you really build one”
Billy “probably, it’s a simple design”

Sunny “go ahead then that looks cool”
Billy “nah I changed my mind”

Sunny “why?”
Billy “the kids would never let me have a turn, it would always be out of gas, too much hassle”

Sunny “awe I thought you wanted one bad.”
Billy “nah I want a hang glider now”

Sunny “why?”
Billy “the kids are too lazy to drag it up someplace high to play with it”


Billy “we need a giraffe”
Youngerest “no we need an elephant”

Sunny “no and no”
Billy “a zebra then!”

Sunny “they bark I saw one on TV”
Billy “perfect”

Youngerest “no an elephant!”
Billy “wow that’s a lot of poop!

Sunny “ewe”
Youngerest “cool!”

Billy “I vote a giraffe!”
Sunny “where would you put one?”

Billy “in the back yard!”
Sunny “it could walk over the fence!”

Billy “I’ll get one of those invisible fences!
Sunny “It’s neck is too high for the shock collar!”

Billy “that ain’t where I’m putting the collar!”

There are tons more… Like the “I wanna be the anti-Christ conversations…” or the “Can I rule the world conversations” Even the “Mom let’s get a silver back gorilla conversations”

But the “roof mounted machine gun” sticks out in my mind…

Billy “Hey baby, come look at this 50 cal semi auto on TV!”
Sunny “Oh that’s nice”

Billy “NICE?? It’s bad ass I want one!”
Sunny “what would you shoot with that?”

Billy “pretty much anything, look at the armor piercing rounds go through steel! From 600 yards!”

I walked away but minutes later he tracked me down!

Billy “so can I get one of those 50’s?”
Sunny “No”

Billy “but”
Sunny “No the gun is bigger than you.”

Billy “Yeah but I’ll mount it to the roof!”
Sunny “To shoot what?”

Billy “republicans! On their way into the polls!”
Sunny “How can you tell from the roof how someone will vote?”

Billy “ Look where we are I got good odds”
Sunny “No, you can not shoot republicans, they’re an endangered species… besides Fox News would put a bounty on you!”

Within the next week!

Billy “A-, you’re mom tell you about the 50 cal I’m mounting to the roof?”
Wyldechild “you’re putting a gun on the roof? Why?”

Billy “It’s too heavy to lug around town.”
Wyldechild “Hey mom, if Billy gets a 50, I want a bazooka.”

Sunny “see what you started?”
Billy *evil grin* “I’m just worried about home defense!”

Sunny, “you’re impossible, it’s like having another teenager here!”
Billy “worse, I’m actually old enough to…”

Sunny “know better?”
Billy “hell no, I’m old enough to do these things!”

Sunny “No machine gun”
Billy “but”

Sunny “no”
Billy “but we have to defend our home”

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Dec 2 @ 11:19PM  
Sunny “from what?”
Billy “marauding biker gangs.”

Sunny “no”
Billy “fine but when the marauding gangs attack, you go tell them to go away cuz you won’t let me have the gun!”

*********Few Weeks past**********

Billy "Hey baby, is this the biggest pet carrying cage we got?"
Sunny "it's the only one except for that monstrous ferret cage thing in the basement....Why?"

Billy "I cut the ferret cage up to hang the midget blow up doll in - - remember?"

Sunny "why do you need a cage?"

Billy "gonna pack it up for vacation"

Sunny "we aren't taking the pets remember?"

Billy "no, I'm gonna need it while we're there."

Sunny "for?"

Billy"If I get a big enough one, I'll bring back a polar bear! If not I'll just get a penguin or arctic seal!"

Billy"NO! No you can not bring back penguins, polar bears, or seals!"

Billy"AHA! You didn't deny that they live in Michigan! I knew it!"

---ed note Billy insists that anything more than twenty miles North of the Mason-Dixon Line is frozen arctic tundra and is currently trying to learn Eskimo to communicate wit the natives on vacation

Or this one....

Billy"hey baby can be the Anti-Christ?"

Sunny "No!"

Billy"But but but I could take over the world and fix all of Dubbya's messes!"

Sunny "No I don't want to be married t the devil!"

Billy "But there's be some serious perks!"

Sunny "Such as?"

Billy "We'd save a fortune on heating bills!"

Sunny *rolls her eyes*

Billy "I get you a promotion at work too!"

Sunny "wait.... I'd still have to work? That sucks, you'd sit around ruling the world and I'd be stuck saying "Hi welcome to Lowes?"

Billy "But I'd change the inventory so it'd be cool!

Sunny "Such as?"

Billy "Pickled bat's eyes , graveyard dirt, coffin nails, the really cool stuff I normally have to go online to find."

Sunny "wait.... you buy stuff like that?"

Billy "No but I look at it..."

Sunny "then why would other people buy it?"

"I dunno, because it's cool?"

Sunny wandered off...

I picked the conversation back up later...

Billy "So you're going to let me be the Antichrist?"

Sunny "No you'd get defeated in the end"

Billy "No I got a plan!"

Sunny arched her eyebrow

Billy "I read the Left Behind series... I figure I just do the opposite that that Carpathia did in the book..."

Sunny "No no no no..." *muttered* "why am I having this conversation?"

While watching Appolo 13

Billy "Oh I know can I build a space station?"

Sunny "No"

Billy "Why not?"

Sunny "you wouldn't finish on time, it would go over budget and you'd get cranky"

Billy "So that's how stuff gets built in Washington"

next commercial

Billy "I want a space station that would be so cool"

Sunny "No you'd build it in the back yard, but never get it in space, it would be a backyard station!""

Billy ****looking thoughtful****

Sunny "No you can not have a backyard station either!"

Oh I just remembered this one, it was during school

Olderest "Hey dad I wish you were my history teacher, you make it sound fun."

Billy "Well that's because they don't teach you real history."

Olderest "they don't?"

Billy "No they teach you what people wrote down happened and some times it didn't really happen that way."

Olderest "like what?"

Billy "George Washington wasn't the fist president, we had six before him...."

Olderest "Why do they call him the first then?"

Billy "Well he won the war and had wooden teeth I guess."

Olderest "So who was first?"

Billy "John Hanson"

Two days later...

Olderest "My teacher said you are wrong dad"

Billy "about?"

Olderest "About the real first president"

Billy "Well I'm not, but yo should know better than listen to me by now!"

Dec 2 @ 11:39PM  
Your family sounds like fun, can I become a member???

Dec 2 @ 11:45PM  
Sunny “from what?”
Billy “marauding biker gangs.”

Too late...ya already been invaded by a one Man gang.....

Shoulda got the .50 .

Dec 2 @ 11:54PM  
'Whew....I'm, a little dizzy

Dec 3 @ 12:25AM  
Are you sure we are no related? First cousins maybe? Twins that were separated at birth?
This stuff happens at my house, too. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one.

Dec 3 @ 12:30AM  
Now THAT is my kind of family!!!


Dec 3 @ 12:53AM  
I was the one who wanted the weird pets. I remember asking my mother if I could have a little bobcat that I saw on my grandfather's farm when I was a kid. She just about had a heart attack right there. I think she could picture me actually bringing it home with me. Since we are having problems with theft here in the neighborhood the gun on the roof is sounding like a good idea.

Dec 3 @ 2:19AM  
Why are Spongebob's parents round like sea sponges but

he is square like a kitchen sponge?

Dec 3 @ 3:02AM  
Oh, Pick Me! I Want To Come Play In Your Back Yard. . But I Want The bobcat Kitty. .

Dec 3 @ 6:06AM  
Now THAT is my kind of family!!!
Desertsmile says it all!

Dec 3 @ 7:08AM  
Great stuff Sunny
I laughed all the way through because I can
just see and hear it all happening
Kudos for that

Dec 3 @ 9:32AM  
Nice to know my family isn't the only family with that kind of humor.

Loved the 50 cal discussion.

---ed note Billy insists that anything more than twenty miles North of the Mason-Dixon Line is frozen arctic tundra and is currently trying to learn Eskimo to communicate wit the natives on vacation

I know it gets cold here in Michigan, but, it doesn't always get THAT cold.


Dec 3 @ 1:51PM  
I rarely read blogs that long but it was so familar I couldn't stop laughing at it.

Dec 3 @ 1:57PM  
Just wait til Billy gets the box of penguins I've been saving for him. Yup, just you wait.. then you'll know..

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Real conversations at my house