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A Pair Of Assholes

posted 11/26/2009 11:43:33 AM |
4 kudosgive kudos what's this?
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tagged: trolls, funny, story, joke

Does this remind you of any trolls here??
This is for all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Bobby Carpenter and could I please speak to Melissa Lewis?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Melissa's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Melissa, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word
"asshole," and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and Id yell, "You're an asshole!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me; I would have to stop calling the asshole.

Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

A little background as to why: I was waiting to park at the mall and an elderly lady took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You cant just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy got out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, This guys an asshole. There are sure a lot of assholes in the world.

Then I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number and I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-8863 and yelling, "You're an asshole!" (Its really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)

I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I better call this guy too. He answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. Its a yellow house and the cars parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up, I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two assholes to call. Then, after a while of calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone dial asshole #1. The man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're an asshole!", but I didn't hang up. The dumb ass said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." He said "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. Its a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole!" and I hung up.

Then I called asshole #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, asshole!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "Ill kick your ass." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming right over, asshole!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.

Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going down on W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing play out. Glorious! Watching two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the entire news media was one of the greatest experiences of my life

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A Pair Of Assholes


post a comment!


Nov 26 @ 12:29PM that took alot of energy!

Nov 26 @ 1:52PM  

Ummm...Can i give you my ex hubby's phone number & address too?

Too funny....Thankyou!

Nov 26 @ 3:43PM  
good one..think it will work ??

Nov 26 @ 4:17PM  

That was brilliant!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks Doc!!!

Nov 26 @ 6:06PM  
Sorry Doc, that is an old joke and one which you neither lived nor experienced. Trying to bolster your ego by putting yourself in a situation you obviously have neither the wit, nor intelligence to pull off just negates any credibility you have for any further posts. flat out lied and you know you did. You're an old fraud. Sorry Doc, so much for your greatest experience.

Nov 26 @ 6:38PM  
That's why it was tagged joke, funny, story ..
Your reading comprehension is obviously lacking
Everybody knows that I copy and paste 99% of my blogs
Drcockatiel with the little birdy's pecker..Fuckin' DUH!!!
Pretty much you can go back to being turned down in the forums
by every woman except Featherbrainlite
You seem to be in the minority of one here..Fuck off!
I think I'll go find a corner and cry ..After that love letter you sent to my email and now you're dissing me for a fucking joke???

Nov 26 @ 6:41PM  
Sorry other dr..... Personally, I had never seen that one before... I don't think Doc was saying he wrote this.........he just posted it man! And a number of people, including myself, enjoyed reading it and got a laugh..... do you have to be a jerk about it? We already have enough people being assholes on this site, don't join them!

It's the beginning of the Holiday Season... .try to enjoy it and not be snide or shitty to other people!

Nov 26 @ 6:43PM  
Looks like he deleted it again! Guess his next stop would be to block you altogether but he's classier than that!!

Ain't ya Doc?!?!?!

Nov 26 @ 6:48PM  
Sorry this old fart's been on my white ass for awhile and I've never said a word to the geezer. If he does label it a joke, which he hasn't, I'll let him off the hook. Otherwise he's a fraud I'll expose. He'll also have to prologue it correctly. I'll wait for a's up to him.

Nov 26 @ 6:56PM  
Who really gives a fuck??
As I said everybody knows I copy and paste blogs..
Shit, I'll send them the link if they want it
You're definitely not gonna win any friends or sympathy fuckin' with me.

You betcha Babe
I can't help it if Drcockatiel can't read and comprehend
Guess we can add one more asshole

Nov 26 @ 7:01PM  
hey DOC, maybe we should start calling you REV so there's no confusion........
While it's an oldie, it's still a goodie.......Thanks for the grin and chuckle!
Can use 'em today!

Nov 26 @ 7:02PM  
I have never tagged one of my blogs.... even though it says in the rules that you're supposed to, it's just not something I've ever done... so I really don't care what it is classified as... if I enjoy reading it, I comment, if I don't like it, I don't feel the need to comment... it's a very simple concept!!
I don't see you posting any jokes or anything to make us laugh or think.... so lay off those who are! You want to hang around in blogs, then contribute! We would probably enjoy your blogs too!
And I'm not trying to attack you... just setting your ass straight! LOL


Nov 26 @ 7:03PM  
Hey LBS! I'm glad you smiled and laughed today!! You deserve it!!

Nov 26 @ 7:05PM  

Maybe you're checking the blogs or the video I've posted. In fact you even commented on one.

Nov 26 @ 7:16PM  
I stand corrected dr.....

But I think I was actually commenting on what bunny said... she's so dang funny!!

Nov 26 @ 7:24PM

Hell he even deleted LBS's comment to try and cover his old ass as a fraud. Yes, he's trying hard to make himself a hero. I pity the old fool and may even let him off the hook. He's already exposed himself as a liar and unless he takes PTN off the blog, everyone's on to him anyway. Ah well, he know's he's full of it. I shouldn't stoop to his level and his vulgar retorts. You'd think someone of his advanced age would argue with reason rather then rancor.

Nov 26 @ 7:28PM  
I loved it Doc...and it's the first time I've ever seen it.

Leaving you a greenie.

Btw Doc...the gals in here know you're not a the hell with the peons and their stupid ass opinions! Geessshhh...I'm so freakin' sick of rude ass people. Get the fuck outta the blogs.

I feel sooooo much better now.

Nov 26 @ 7:30PM  
OK old man, you can go ahead and delete now. Spin it

Nov 26 @ 7:51PM  
That's MR.GEEZER AND OLD FART To you sonny
The only time I've ever been on your sorry ass is when I was defending some poor little guy that you were posting garbage to in Fuck or Pass
I fucking hate phony bullies
Your date?? What's HIS name???

Nov 26 @ 8:35PM  
I shouldn't stoop to his level and his vulgar retorts. You'd think someone of his advanced age would argue with reason rather then rancor.

After re-reading the comments on this blog, dr, you are the one who started in on Doc... not the other way around.....

Once again, not attacking you... just setting your ass straight!

Nov 26 @ 8:43PM  
Hell he even deleted LBS's comment to try and cover his old ass as a fraud. Yes, he's trying hard to make himself a hero. I pity the old fool and may even let him off the hook. He's already exposed himself as a liar and unless he takes PTN off the blog, everyone's on to him anyway. Ah well, he know's he's full of it. I shouldn't stoop to his level and his vulgar retorts. You'd think someone of his advanced age would argue with reason rather then rancor.

Just because you have a dick, doesn't mean you have to act like one....jus sayin

Nov 26 @ 9:15PM  
Hmmm.. .I was always told that a dick is the best part of a man..

Nope can't be him, he's just another immature asshole..
[/QUOTE]He's already exposed himself as a liar[QUOTE]
No, you're the one attempting that

Nov 26 @ 9:32PM  
Your date?? What's HIS name???
his girl bill

Nov 26 @ 10:08PM  
Yep, I've seen this one before. Still funny as hell.

Nov 27 @ 6:02AM  
in my teen years my old man once told me ; son, don't let your dick run your life.
I have three son's now...and I tell them the same thing

ppl need to lighten up around here rev and if they don't like a joke no-ones forcing them to read it fo' fucks sake.

Nov 27 @ 9:23AM  
Good, I see you've changed the tag line and added "joke". Next time don't take so long. You're learning.

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A Pair Of Assholes