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It all comes down to this

posted 10/19/2009 8:53:34 AM |
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  alybai42

First of all I want to thank all of you that have posted comments on my last few blogs. Or prayed for "us".

It has been a long hard road. I have slept very little. Last Wed he had to have surgery on his left lung. It was not healing. They had to wash it. I went to the hospital right after work. They didn't take him down to surgery until 9:45 that night. I ran home real quick to change out of my work clothes and get warm clothes on. Back up a little. His daughter and me were standing on each side of his bed holding his hand. He was awake. Still on life support but awake. His daughter told him about what they were going to do in surgery. She told him that she would be there when he got out and he turned his eyes to me and I said I would be there also. We said a prayer for him. The doctor came to talk to us. He said he hoped that would do the trick to get him better. The surgery. He also said that if he got pneumonia in his right lung or blood clots he may not make it.
I didn't go there on thursday night. I worked late and I was dead tired. I went on Friday after work. His sister who I never met was there. She asked me how he got so sick so I filled her in. I forgot that even if he is sleeping he can hear us. His heart rate starting going too high. We left his room. His doctor came flying down the hallway. I felt so bad. I had to leave to pick up my daughter. I called his daughter who was on her way to the hospital and filled her in. I talked to her later and she said it took them a hour to get his heart rate down. I called the hospital on my break on Saturday and the nurse said he had company that morning and his heart rate and blood pressure went high. She said he needs rest. I said I think it would be best if I just let him get rest so he can heal. They were also trying to wean his off life support a little at a time. I called there Sunday and talked to his nurse. She said they were going to try and get him off life support that day. He had been on it for 12 days. I called his daughter later and she was up there. She said he was off life support and doing good. She was taking her kids back to her mom's house and going back up there. The first thing he said to her was he wanted a mt.dew and wanted to go home. I asked her to ask him if he wanted me to come and visit. I was still shaken up from when I was there friday. I didn't hear anything for her for about 4 hours. Something didn't feel right. I was doing dishes and both his daughter's came over. One of them said to me we came to get our dad's stuff. I said that is fine. I helped them get his clothes and few other thing's. I didn't ask any question's. I walked outside with them and one of them asked me if I was going to be ok. I said yeah. She also said that he said he didn't want me at the hospital, I said I figured that out when I didn't hear from them. I don't know where he is going to live when he get's out? I didn't ask. I felt like it was none of my business.

What it come down to is I cried for him, prayed for him, was at his side and most of all loved him. And now it is over. He don't want me in his life. When I came back in my house the tears fell. My heart was breaking.
I want to know what I did wrong? Not a damn thing that I know of.

Guess what? I will heal. I will go on. But right now I need time.

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Comments:

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frank747

Oct 19 @ 9:12AM  
we all know that a part of life is dyin. that basicaly is what we where born to do. the one thing that we did not know was, before we die, we die mentally. that death is caused by something else. it is not natural it is done either by someone else or usally by ourselves.
either way we can overcome that death. it is not permanant. it last only as long as we want to last. the best part of that death is that it can make us stronger in thought and deeds.
after 61 years the hurt still is painful, but it does heal. the best that i can say is that you will heal, if you give yourself a chance. be very careful for at this time your are vuneralbe (sp?) and at risk for futher heart break.
your mental immune system takes awhile to function after such a long period of non use so the best i can say is be very careful.
remember if you have to ask for advice on anything, you may already know the answer. allow your normal feelings to get you throuh the day and the nights will take care of the rest.
love, peace and enjoy
frank747
Wordsofwit

Oct 19 @ 9:31AM  
What I am going to say, and many others also, is purely individual speculation. It is natural, Tammy, to feel rejected, but that might not be the motivating factor. It is quite possible that he wants to avoid exposing you, and others, to any more grief. There may several other people that he has chosen to separate from. It is hard on all concerned to continue. It sounds to me like he just wants to go home and probably finish out his days as peacefully and simply as possible without fanfare, drama or discussion. Don't be hard on yourself.
sugarnspice005

Oct 19 @ 9:31AM  
You did nothing wrong. Maybe the family decided that he was going to stay with one of them when he gets out of the hospital. You did everything you could for him, now it's up to his family to take care of him.
alybai42

Oct 19 @ 9:44AM  
He is going to be ok. He will be in the hospital for a while yet. They need to move him to icu stepdown and physical therepy. Then he can leave.

He is a part of my life and has been for a long time. To me a long time. I have put up with a lot of shit from him. But when it came down to it I stood behind him because I loved him. He had a couple of close call's in the hospital when he almost didn't make it.
Now he don't want me in his life.

It is a good thing I don't drink or I would of been on a 2 week drunk..
Wordsofwit

Oct 19 @ 10:04AM  
He is going to be ok. He will be in the hospital for a while yet. They need to move him to icu stepdown and physical therepy. Then he can leave.

Okay, disregard my previous comment and feel free to delete it. I had gotten the distinct impression from your previous blogs that he was terminally ill with holes in lungs and just being sent home to die as nothing more could be done for him.
alybai42

Oct 19 @ 10:19AM  
When he had surgery on his left lung they cut off two small part's of it. They had to wash it, clean it..He had pnuemonia and the anti-biotics were not working. I really didn't think he would make it. I kept getting mixed signal's from his doctor's and nurse's. I did ask at one point if he will live with the condition he is in and they said yes he can. What do I know. I am no doctor. I wish I was. Then I would know what is wrong with me.

I am on my way to Columbus to the nerosurgeon.

If it is not one thing going on in my life it is another.
Wordsofwit

Oct 19 @ 10:27AM  
I am on my way to Columbus to the nerosurgeon.

Oh, wow. Please let us know how that goes, Tammy.
NightOfOld

Oct 19 @ 11:59AM  


Tammy darling; You remain in my prayers and thoughts. Please keep us informed as to your well being. You are loved by many here.
Ewe_Wish

Oct 19 @ 1:31PM  
Maybe because he came so close to dying that he made the choice of pushing you out of his life because he feels guilty and doesn't want to hurt you anymore.........you may never know the reason but you do know that you were there for him and thats all that matters...........I hope your trip to surgeon goes well..............your in my thoughts and prayers.
theSkwirl

Oct 19 @ 1:55PM  
Prayers and Hugs.. I'm all out of advice.
alybai42

Oct 19 @ 9:04PM  
Thanks for the comments while I was gone. I hate that drive to Columbus. I get lost everytime I go there.

I cried a lot today. I think it hit me. My surgeon's nurse(sweet little old lady) asked me if I was all alone. I think she meant did I drive up there alone. I said yeah I am alone. I felt like I had no one. The one that I cared about and sat by his bedside shoved me out of his life. My friend's tell me I am better off. I said it don't help the pain any easier. I said it still hurt's the same.

As for the nerosurgeon. I have to go back and get a MRI done on my neck and back. I am having a lot of problems with my leg's and arms now. The pain is unreal. And I am on pain meds.

When I take my daughter to talk to someone at the clinic I am going to make myself a appt also.
KitKat25

Oct 20 @ 6:52AM  
You're in my thoughts.

((((((((Hugs))))))))

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It all comes down to this