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What this feels like:

posted 10/15/2009 5:57:18 PM |
1 kudogive kudos what's this?
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tagged: sex, vampire

I have a craving for sex. It drives me wild. The thing is, I've never had it. It's like I was born addicted or something... Which is not a bad thing, but it is frustrating...
Let me give you some examples:

>I'll be sitting in a class and it will come near the end of class. Suddenly, in my mind will pop a fantasy of the girl sitting next to me riding me up and down. A sharp feeling in my gut will emerge, like extreme fear or extreme love. My cock will be hard for the next hour or so.

>I have subconsciously made it a habit: anytime a girl is walking up the stairs before me, I'll be looking at her ass. My mind will map out exactly what she looks like under that. Anytime a shorter girl passes by me, or a girl passes below me, I'll look down without moving my head (eyeballs only) and notice her boobs as best I can. Girls passing in front of me: I'll be looking at their boobs. I don't follow like a boy drunk with testosterone; I look but keep my head still so I can't be seen as a massive perv.

>The mere mention of sex or any idea thereof brings on a massive urge to grab a girl and fuck her right then and there, or masturbate.

>Anytime I engage in erotic chat (which is the closest I've ever come to having sex) or when I write a sex story, my entire body trembles with pure ecstasy, demanding the real thing. I've only had this pleasureful torture once before with something other than sex; a Pokémon tournament I attended three years ago (Yup, I still love Pokémon. I love the mathematics behind the game) in which I swear I wasn't walking to the tourney but instead vibrating to the tourney. But even then, I completed the tourney as best I could, and so I got to experience not only the pleasure of anticipating something wonderful (like when I talk about sex as just mentioned) but the pleasure of fulfilling it. It's bad enough knowing I've only been able to talk about sex; it's far more torturing to know what I will feel like afterward thanks to an akin experience but not have felt it yet. Masturbation takes a little off the edge, but in a couple minutes, I'm hornier than before.

>And the worst part? I have to hide it. Because if anyone close to me knew (I don't have a girlfriend anymore, though), there would be so much trouble in my relationship with them it wouldn't be funny. So I have to put on a show. I have to "act". I use social algorithms I have been formulating since I was little and observing social functions to act the part outside.

I feel like a Wraith in Star Gate: Atlantis, one that has been imprisoned by the Atlantis Expedition and not allowed to feed, yet having the one drive that propels me forward come visit me in my cell each day and just staying far enough away not to bring any harm. I am like that Wraith: cool, calm, collected, but if tortured enough I fear I might explode with the wrath of a Wraith (if you haven't seen SG:A, think vampires. Very formal, very methodical, very acting when they're around humans, and though there is absolutely no sign of their hunger, they are bursting with it).


There. Now that that's off my chest, I should be unburdened by this beautiful curse for the next five minutes.

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Oct 15 @ 6:03PM  

Oct 15 @ 8:15PM  
Just the hormones gone crazy, that's all. All teens/young adults go through this. It's life.

Oct 15 @ 8:17PM  
It's maddening. That's what it is.

Oct 16 @ 9:59AM  
Your not the only one out there like that!

Oct 16 @ 10:56AM  
i feel your pain!! sometimes happens to me!

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