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I have done a lot of thinking.

posted 10/11/2009 11:51:35 AM |
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This is going to be a 2 part blog. First a update. He is still on life support. I have been there a few times to see him and spend time with him. I ran into his ex wife(the one who said it was my fault) last night there. She did tell me she was sorry. She wanted to blame someone and it was me. I told her I didn't do anything wrong. We talked and I told her everything up to the point of where he is now. I will say this about her, she has stayed at his side at night all night long 4 nights that he has been there. It will be a week on Tuesday since he has been on life support. They have been divorced for close to 30 years. She cares about him still as we all do. His other ex and me talked and she said that we all loved this man at one point in our lives which we did. I am the current one in his life. His ex asked me last night that if he makes it did he have a place to live. I said with all the problems we have had I would not leave him homeless. They tried to wean him off the Dipravan(sp). The med to make him sleep. He woke up and looked around. His daughter was there. The doctor tried to see if he could follow commands. Like wiggle his toes or foot. He didn't. He did watch his daughter move around the room and the nurse walk by his bed. He could not breath on his own and it was taking too much out of him to try so they had to sedate him again. When I go there I stand right next to his bed. I put my hand on his arm to let him know I am there. I talk to him. I pray for him. His daughter that lives two hours away had to go back home yesterday. She stopped in at work and told me she didn't want to leave him. I told her that she needed to go and be with her kids also. She was having a birthday party for one of them today. I told her when she came back down to bring them. I said between my house( my daughter) her mom's and friend's we will have someone to watch them. They are 4 & 5 I think? She told me when he did wake up for that short time she called her girls and put the phone next to him so they could tell him that they loved him and he had tears in his eyes. It made me want to cry.
If he don't make it, it will be up to his kids on what to do. I wouldn't want that decision. If it comes down to taking him off life support to let him die I don't want to be there. I don't think I could handle it. I love this man and I keep telling him that.
Just keep praying for all of us. His ex just called me and the doctor was in and said he has a long road ahead of him. If he makes it. He has too many health problems. I did tell his ex on the phone Thank You for being there for him. I also told her if she needed anything to let me know. She don't drive. I said if you want to go home I will give you a ride, if you needs something to eat, drink, cigs just let me know. I said I am not rich but will help you out anyway I can.

Here is the 2nd part of this blog. If you were on life support and that was the only way to keep you alive would you want to live that way or just die? Me I don't want to live like that. I don't want to be a burdon on other's. Randy has told me if it came down to that not to let them keep him alive. I have not told anyone this yet. I think it has to be in a living will? Right now I am not sure if I am coming or going I go to work, come home, go to the hospital, come home, try and get some sleep.

Thanks to all of you who have prayed for us, send me e-mail's and for being there when I needed someone to talk too.
God Bless you all...


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Oct 11 @ 12:15PM  
You convey things so well in your writing. Circumstances like this are agonizing. Often there is false hope. Survival is possible, but recovery rarely is when dysfunctional organs are involved and transplants are not under consideration. He is probably oblivious to all of this. The suffering is upon those who care about them.

One thing that is often overlooked in this situation, is that there is a bond of commonality between the exes. It is often difficult to recognize. But each ex has a unique perspective having experienced the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I tend to feel that it is almost human nature to resent the other former or subsequent SOs. Yet, in this case, all of the women are part of a small sorority for a short space in time. It is unlikely that he will ever be able to provide closure. But all of you, to a large extent, can provide it to one another. May you be all that you can be to one another in providing peace and comfort through what will not be a positive outcome. You will all be better for it as you move forward in your life. Your bond will always remain, ingrained within all of you on into the future though you may never cross paths again.

Oct 11 @ 1:15PM  
Dearest Tammy,

I'm praying for you, for his exes, for him.. for best possible outcome in the situation. I hope that everyone manages to find some peace in this trial.

In answer to the question.. take me off support if there's really no reason for me to be living any more.

Oct 11 @ 2:19PM  
Hey Tammy girl I also agree with Sam. Being on life support just drains those living. The person on the support is already gone. I have an agreement with a sister if anything like that happens to me pull the plug. Makes you wonder don't it. I am so sorry you are going thru all this.

Oct 11 @ 3:40PM  
ive been reading your blogs and im sorry your going through all of this if it was me on life support and i have told my mother this if something happens to me and i end being on life support please dont let that happen.....Its a way to really live ..i told her i dont want to suffer to just let me go and she hole heartedly agreed with me because she would want the same....Its a verry hard decision to my mom go through it with my grandmother and its hell ...Its better to let him go then to watch him suffer with tubes all over his body...sounds sad but thats how it is . But i dont hope he pulls through and he doctor is right with the amount of abuse he put his body through he will have a long road ahead of him... My thoughts and prayers are with you and his family take care and dont burn yourself out best thing to do is make sure u eat and try and get some sleep and be there the most u can.

Oct 11 @ 3:53PM  
sorry ment to say its not a way to really live!!

Oct 11 @ 8:08PM  
That's good that you and the ex's worked things out. This is a time where everyone should be there for him, and supporting each other.

Prayers and best wishes for all of you in these trying times. My heart goes out to you.

As to your question. My family knows that if I'm on life support, and that is the only way I would live out my life, I don't want it. To me, that's not living. Living is being able to see my loved ones, talk to them, sit up and enjoy being alive.

Oct 11 @ 10:06PM  
I was up at the hospital tonight. He was having a hard time trying to take a breath even with the machine breathing for him. He was in distress earlier today but one of the RN was not good with him. His lung doctor came in and she got her ass chewed and told her to up his sedation meds. He was not resting like he should be. I stood there and talked to him. I told him I loved him and watched the machine's..I watched him like he was fighting to stay alive and I lost it. I had to walk away. I told his ex who is still by his side that I couldn't stay it was too hard on me to watch him that way. It was watching the one you love die. I had tears falling all the way out of the hospital. I got outside and looked up and asked God not to let him suffer. I cried all the way home. I took a nerve pill when I got here and now it has kicked in I am a little better. But for some reason tonight he didn't look good and I had a bad feeling. I did tell his ex before I left there if anything happened to call me.

This is one of the hardest thing's I ever had to do in my life so far.

Oct 11 @ 11:00PM  

Oct 12 @ 2:42AM  
I wish you strength for the days ahead, peace when you need it most and happiness when the sky isn't as gray as it is today. I know it feels like a completely hopeless situation but I promise you...this too shall pass.

To answer your question: No, I would not want be kept alive on life support.



Oct 12 @ 3:26AM  
I am sorry you are going through this and hope for things to turn out for the best.

I think that sometimes families leave a person on life support more for themselves that the person hooked up to it because they do not want to handle death. Knowing that I have it in writing that I am never to be left on life support if there is no hope of recovery. My mother on the other hand has made it quite clear that for no reason is she to be taken off of life support so I guess each person has their perspective. I could not see myself just laying there wasting away when I was not really alive.

Oct 12 @ 7:18AM  
have been in the same place as you, and was rewarded with the revival of my uncle after his being gone over 30 days in his coma.
that one experience caused me to update my livin will with an emphatice DO NOT REVIVE or ressusitate (unsure of the spellin)
makin someone chose wether or not to pull the plug is about the most cruel thing that can be done. i chose for me the way i live and dog gone it i hope those around me allow my choice of death to be mine and not thiers.
love, peace and have a good day

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I have done a lot of thinking.