Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. “Here’s that $20 I owe you,” he says.
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, “Here’s a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.” The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”
A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. “Douchebag!” the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. “Your father just said a bad word,” he says. “I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?” His son looks at him and says: “Too late, douchebag.”
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”
It's Friday.....woooooooooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!! 
Wait a minute....that means I have to work tomorrow.  
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Ewe_Wish
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Sep 25 @ 12:06PM
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His son looks at him and says: “Too late, douchebag.” Sounds like my granddaughter.........  My daughters boyfriend thinks its cute that he taught her to say Eat my shorts..........which she does regularly to ppl...........I told him from now on when she says that I am not getting after her i am going to slap you up along side of the head...........you should have known better...............he didn't say much but i am positive i heard him say eat my shorts when i walked off......... 
Cute jokes Sugar...................
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max49
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Sep 25 @ 1:23PM
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somnium
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Sep 25 @ 4:28PM
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“I just need to outrun you.” seen it before but still funny!
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Wordsofwit
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Sep 25 @ 4:47PM
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My daughters boyfriend thinks its cute that he taught her to say Eat my shorts
Okay, Ewe, tell us what happened when she said that to you?
If my grandson says that to me, I won't slap him (though tempted), but I will spin him around and smack his ass. His mom and dad feel similarly and are old school in that regard. Nobody likes a smart ass kid. But many parents put up with it. As a result, we have a lot of rude, obnoxious, unaccountable kids today.
Now, in my parents' defense, they did everything they could to curb my obnoxious tendencies. Hell, my mother slapped me more than Moe slapped Curly. It just never did any good. But by about the age of thirteen they did curb it until I got out on my own.
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Ewe_Wish
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Sep 25 @ 8:34PM
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Okay, Ewe, tell us what happened when she said that to you? She gets soap in her mouth..........and boyfriend was told that if he continues to teach her shit like that I will show him a new use for my cane.....
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