AddThis Social Bookmark Button
Free Dating

Friends vs Love.. Is It A Choice Between Them?

posted 9/16/2009 1:16:36 PM |
4 kudosgive kudos what's this?
    report abuse
  casuallylooking


When Griz and I first got together and it became obvious that it was serious, I have a friend that seemed to do everything to get me to rethink our relationship. And she came up with every reason she could think of...
The distance.. What about my daughter and grandchildren... what about him having young girls, aren't I little old too start over, financially or emotionally... Mn winters...moving away from friendships that will never be the same again... giving up some financial aspects/endeavors here that I won't have there...giving up my home, knowing what it has always meant to me... etc..

Now, I know why she doesn't want me to move, we've been close for many years and have always been there for each other. But it came to the point that I feel she wanted me to be happy and maybe even in love .. but on her terms and here. Close to her.
Putting our friendship before any other happiness that I may have found.

I have never felt that I have to make a decision between friendship and love. I have room for both in my heart and in my life. And I would never be with anyone who thought I should give up my friends... that's not love, that's possessiveness. And I am no ones possession. Friends nor lover.

But as sad as it makes me, I think this friendship is pretty much over. After almost 30 years... I did not choose Griz over her. I chose to live my life the way I want over her selfish demands on me. Although she doesn't see it that way.
She feels that I am deserting everyone in my life for him, that's selfish of me. And it can only lead to disaster when I put a man before friends and family.
I didn't put him before anyone... it's not a matter of anyone Before anyone else..

She knows that I have spend the biggest part of the last 3 days in bed, and I still spent over an hour debating this issue with her on the phone earlier. I finally told her that I feel she is being extremely self centered and inconsiderate at the moment and I have nothing further to talk about with her. I wish her the best in her life and hope she finds the happiness I have, but for now I'm going back to sleep, and I hung up.
So we have reached a stale mate. It would be nice if it weren't permanent. But I know in my heart that it is. And that bothers me too much to be able to go back to sleep... so here I sit starring at this screen...

As much as I love Griz, I went to my daughter and oldest grandchildren and I talked with them before I made any decisions to move away.
My daughter told me as much as she would miss me that I deserved to be happy and if I have happiness with him in my life, then I should not let this happiness slip away. Life is too short..
I asked my grand daughter, who I am extremely close with, if she would forgive me for moving away and not being here like I always have been. She told me there was nothing to forgive. But she's coming to visit every chance she gets...

When you have very close friends and they fall in love, are you genuinely happy for them...even if they are moving away from you? Do you point out all the things you can find that could go wrong, or the faults, in the relationship...Are you sometimes jealous of what they have if you don't have someone ... or if you have a bad relationship...in your life?

Would you consider the friend moving away, to be with the person she/he wants to spend the rest of her/his life with, selfish? Or feel that they were deserting everyone else in their life?

Yes, I know, lots of questions......... just pick and choose.


Copy & paste to friend: (Click inside box; Ctrl + C to copy; Ctrl + V to paste)

   read more blogs!

Blogs by casuallylooking:
Some Loves Never Die....
Wasted Time on Jealousy....
Yes, L4E... It Was.....
Superstitions.... Just a Myth?
Not The Stone Ages....
Because It's JUST A Sex Site...
Not How We Had Today Planned...
NonCalorie B-Day Cake and Ice Cream for All...
New Menu Options.....
How Important is Cumming.....Everytime?
Is Cheating, Cheating?
Is It The 23rd Already?
Friends vs Love.. Is It A Choice Between Them?
Another Birthday--- Update
Just My Point Of View On It...
Take A Deep Breath... And Blow...(No, not that) lol
Just Because...
Makes Sense To Me... :-)
We All Have Them....
Your Opinion... Should They Show It?
Sexual Appetites...
Wake Up To Make The Bed... lol
What Would You Do?
Laundry Day of Yesterday and Today....
No Woman....


Comments:

post a comment!

1bunny629

Sep 16 @ 1:35PM  
I am genuinely happy for any of my friends or family members who find love or new friendships. If this takes them away from me by distance or leaves less time for them to relate to me on a daily basis, I just pray for their happiness and let them know I am on their side, and will always be here for them.
I only know you from here Casual, and at best know very little about you. The bits and pieces you have exposed of your personna here has shown me that you have a caring heart and a genuine love for all. I think you have tried to be very fair to all envolved, reassured everyone your love for them will out weigh the distance, and they are welcome to visit as well as you will return as often as possible. You are blessed with many that understand. Hopefully your friend will rebound and graciously help with the move or at least assure you she is there for the long haul of the friendship. Bless you and yours. M
Dione

Sep 16 @ 1:36PM  
Some of my friends were skeptical when I married a second time, but all of them loved me enough to be happy for me even though I moved over 4,500 miles away. My sisters approved of my marriage and were happy for me as well, but weren't happy about the distance. None of them made a negative issue of it in any way as happiness was more important than anything else

Would you consider the friend moving away, to be with the person she/he wants to spend the rest of her/his life with, selfish? Or feel that they were deserting everyone else in their life?
People who think you are being selfish or deserting them are not your friends. That in itself is a choice, but it's their choice not yours.
sugarnspice005

Sep 16 @ 1:44PM  
About a year after my best friends divorce was final, she met someone online who lives in Scotland. They were quite serious for a while. She even contemplated the possibility of moving to Scotland. Turned out she couldn't because of the kids. Michigan law, as like other states laws, says she can't move out of the state, much less the country, with the kids without the permission of their father. So, that pretty much was a deal buster. But...while I would have missed her like crazy, she's like a sister to me, her happiness matters more to me. I would never have made her feel like she had to chose between our friendship and love. In this day and age of internet, we could have always kept in touch via email and instant messenger. And no, I would never consider her being selfish.
Wordsofwit

Sep 16 @ 1:46PM  
It depends upon the motivation. But I have advised people not to connect with another person or move because I honestly felt it was a bad decision. On several occasions, there was no need to say "I told you so" as it was obvious.
lgfishnet

Sep 16 @ 1:54PM  
Ok i understand that ,but if a man loves a woman only after a short time should he tell her even if its not what she wants to hear yet or may scare her.Does a man just take the bull by horns and tell the woman how his heart feels,and hope for the best.
max49

Sep 16 @ 2:05PM  
Well I find that pretty selfish of Dayna and if Griz has had you in bed for 3 days it's time to get up. I'm just kidding on both accounts but seriously I can understand the friend not wanting you to move away but on the other hand I would think she would be happy for you. As for family of course they will miss you not being around as much as you are now but just like your grand daughter said she will visit you every chance she gets and you can do the same. I am so happy for you and Griz but you do know that you are a possession of this site and we all own you don't you LOL.
shewolf53

Sep 16 @ 2:24PM  
She sounds like members of my family. I had to learn a long time ago not to let people with motives of their own stand in the way of what makes me happy and if they could or could not accept it was their problem, not mine. I have run into this every time I tried to have my own life. If she is really your friend she should not have let it get to this point. Sounds as if she might be jealous of what you have found and wants to rain on your parade because she is not happy herself. You just need to go and be happy and if she cannot accept it, her loss.
Ewe_Wish

Sep 16 @ 2:33PM  
Well I find that pretty selfish of Dayna
Even tho I know that Max was teasing............for anyone else who might think Treas is talking about me.......let me reassure you she is not...........for one thing Treas and I haven't known each other for 30 yrs and for second I would not do that...............Now I will tell you exactly what I said to treas..........well I might leave a few details out because of faulty memory............When Treas told me she was moving in with Griz that she loved him I did tell her to make sure that she could handle being away from her family and to make sure that she could deal with the fact that Griz has younger children........what kind of friend would I be if I had not asked her to take time to think?

I also shared with her what I went through when I left my family to move to Ohio to be with Gary, what I did to overcome the things I missed the most, and how I felt in leaving them and how I was treated by friends and family who thought I was being selfish by leaving to get on with my life.........that's a situation that is hard to handle........my sister and I did not speak for almost 6 yrs and we had at one time been the best friends...............we have made up now..........and are getting close again.........but she regrets treating me the way she did..........just for wanting to have a life again...........

Now to answer your questions Treas..........

When you have very close friends and they fall in love, are you genuinely happy for them...even if they are moving away from you?
Well in this case you are moving closer to me ............but even if I had stayed in Ohio I would have wanted you to be happy......you're one of my best friends and I love you........of course I would want you to be happy............besides if I had stayed in Ohio, I would just have stopped to see you on my way up to see my family.

Do you point out all the things you can find that could go wrong, or the faults, in the relationship.
NO!! But i did ask you if you could handle things that were already a concern of yours............just as I would do with any friend that was planning on doing what you are doing.
.
.Are you sometimes jealous of what they have if you don't have someone ... or if you have a bad relationship...in your life?
Jealous NO, envious Probably..............and I think most people would be.........being envious isn't bad..........aren't we usually envious of people when they have something that you want with your whole heart...........jealousy is when you try to stop that person from having what you yourself want............and I could never do that.

Would you consider the friend moving away, to be with the person she/he wants to spend the rest of her/his life with, selfish? Or feel that they were deserting everyone else in their life?
I didn't consider myself selfish when I moved away from my family and friends............I just wanted to be with the man I fell in love with..........I wanted them to understand and I wanted them to wish me the best and be happy with my decision.............but I don't control how others act or respond to things.........and when I lost my sister over that........it hurt very much .............but in the end.......I knew that I would have wished her the best if the positions had been reversed.............and maybe that's how you need to look at it ...................A true friend wishes you well even when it hurts her to do that..................
zena343

Sep 16 @ 3:01PM  
A true friend would NEVER make you choose. She would want to see you truely happy, as you seem to be with Griz!! Kudos casual..
ksk72

Sep 16 @ 3:15PM  
Give it some time. Your friend might realize how selfish she is being. I have a friend that I have known for ever as well who is very simular. First time I moved away with a man she actually moved closer to us. Then later when I got married an moved away she ignored me for awhile. Everytime I am in a relationship she does this disapearing act and doesn't talk much. If I am single I hear from or see her almost daily. I have just gotten used to her silly behavior over the years and let it go.
Now in my current relationship she is all confused. My man will call her and invite her and son out to do things with our family. Its actually funny to me cause I can tell when she is trying to come up with an excuse not to say yes.
theSkwirl

Sep 16 @ 3:25PM  
Everyone else has addressed, quite well, the friend issue. I'm gonna step back from that one.. cuz I feel that everyone deserves to have love and be happy.

Now on to the relationship with your granddaughter and daughter... buy a webcam.. yup I'm totally serious.. you can have almost face to face voice conversations with them any time you are both available. No, it's not the same thing as hugging them and being physically close.. but when my kids were staying summers with my Mom cuz I was working out in the woods, that's how we kept in contact regularly. far better than a telephone, cheaper too.. plus they can see you.. and you can see them. Yeah, people, web cams do have other uses besides cyber sex.
Wordsofwit

Sep 16 @ 4:05PM  
Now on to the relationship with your granddaughter and daughter... buy a webcam.. yup I'm totally serious.. you can have almost face to face voice conversations with them any time you are both available. No, it's not the same thing as hugging them and being physically close.. but when my kids were staying summers with my Mom cuz I was working out in the woods, that's how we kept in contact regularly. far better than a telephone, cheaper too.. plus they can see you.. and you can see them. Yeah, people, web cams do have other uses besides cyber sex.

When I was writing for a divorce Web site, I had counselors and attorneys suggest doing this between the non-custodial parent and child. Kids are so tech savvy now and this really does increase and personalize the interaction IMO.
casuallylooking

Sep 16 @ 5:08PM  
buy a webcam.. yup I'm totally serious..
Already taken care of. He bought me one when I was up there in April.
He told me to use it until I move up there and then leave it with my daughter, since he already has one.
Dayna had told me in the beginning to get one before I moved to make it a little easier to be away from daughter and kids, and so I wouldn't feel like I was missing out on so much.

And No, the friend in this blog was not Dayna...

Okay, Ewe, now gimme my 10 bucks.
alybai42

Sep 16 @ 6:35PM  
When I moved from MN to Ohio to be with the guy I met I had a few family member's upset. I was more upset leaving my grandma because I was the one who took care of her. I felt bad about that. I didn't leave her alone. My mom, and sister lived there and it was time for them to step up to the plate. I felt like it was time to get on with my life also.

I had a webcam and my family got to watch us on holiday's..Or whenever they wanted to. I try to get home every year but these past few I have not made it. Has my family ever came here to see us? NO.. They can go to vegas but can't come here.

You do what makes you happy..And if it is living in a deep freezer go for it..

I am just kidding..MN is beautiful all year around. Someday I might go back..But for now I am here.
LilGriz

Sep 16 @ 10:07PM  
Mn winters

Yeah, yeah, but it has been warmer up here these past few weeks than in OH...

All I can add is awwww It will be interesting...
31sunshine

Sep 16 @ 11:44PM  
It's one thing to play devils advocate and make sure you think about every aspect before making a large move like you did. But in the long run, your happiness should be the most important key and a real friend would support you in anyway they can in your new future. Some people just can't let go, or they don't know how to maintain a relationship long distance, or are just down right selfish. I'm really sorry to hear that the friendship may end, especially after so many years.

I firmly believe that everyone comes into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime, to bring a specific purpose to our lives. Maybe she was meant to be in your life for a season and now it's time to move forward. It's hard to accept sometimes but so is endless confrontations because she can't think about your happiness. I think you made the right choice, I'm just sorry it hurts so much.
onehornytoad69

Sep 17 @ 10:59AM  
Wow ...it would really Suck to have a friend like that!!! That is sooooo Not right!!!
A truely Good Friend would be excited for you..and Wish/Pray for your Happiness!

BTW...When's the BIG Move?
Cootiesprayer

Sep 17 @ 2:00PM  
You only get one life...yours...live it for you..I am going through the same ting right now & very dear friend made me realize what it comes down to is whatever makes your heart happy is what you need to do for you...if they really care about you they would be happy for you.if not then it's probably not a good thing. jmo :o)

free dating | mission statement | testimonials | safety warning | report abuse | safe list | privacy | legal | 2257 | advertise | link to us

© Copyright 2000-2014 Online Singles, LLC.
OS-WEB01
Friends vs Love.. Is It A Choice Between Them?