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Twisted jokes...

posted 8/31/2009 10:58:40 PM |
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  DarkKnightWalking

JOKES JOKES JOKES

Little Red Sunshine79 is skipping down the road when she sees a Big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

'My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.'

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Sunshine79 sees the wolf again, And this time he is crouched behind a bush.

'My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.'

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About a half mile down the road Little Red Sunshine79 sees the Wolf again, and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

'My, what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf.'

With that the wolf jumps up and screams,

'Will you fuck off? I'm trying to have a shit.'

*****************************************

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son StraddleMyNose asks his father Words of Wit, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?' Words of Wit, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.' 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter dmbchick420 says to her mom soft_touch938, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.' 'A Christmas tree??'

'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'

******************************

Somnium walks into a bar with A pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his Mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, Each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth As the crowd gasped. After a minute, The man grabbed a beer Bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of Its head.

The croc opened his mouth And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, And the first of his free Drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

Ewe-Wish timidly Spoke up..........


'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard With The Beer Bottle.."

*******************************


Two guys and Borty died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

Borty started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow AND asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

Borty replied, 'These are Carols.'

**********************************************

Zaralyon was standing in the kitchen, preparing soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt she normally slept in. As NightofOld walked in, almost awake, she turned to him and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!' His eyes lit up and he thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.


Happy, but a little puzzled, he asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

********************************


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Comments:

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DarkKnightWalking

Aug 31 @ 10:59PM  
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees Max49 behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

Max49 lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says, "What are you doing?"

Max49 says, "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says,"And her, what is she doing?"

Max49 shrugs, "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks, "What's your age, Max49?"

Max49 says, "I'm 59, sir."

The cop asks, "And her what's her age?"

Max49 looks at his watch and replies, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

*********************************************

PinkToeNails on a flight from Switzerland said to RevDocLove beside her, "Reverend, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair remover that is well over
the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there
anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? ...Under your robes
perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, RevDocLove, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the reverend go ahead of her. The
official asked, "RevDocLove, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman,
which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead,
Reverend.".......Next!"

*********************************************

There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife Skwirl. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was ThePurpleProphet and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to
hire ThePurpleProphet, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He turned out to be fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and he knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked together, and the ranch was doing really well.

Then one day the Skwirl said to ThePurpleProphet, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels." ThePurpleProphet agreed readily, and Saturday night, went to town.

However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and still no hired hand.
Two-thirty, finally, in came the hired hand. The Skwirl was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she asked.

"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He did.

"Now take off my skirt." He did.

"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down.

Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!


StraddleMyNose

Aug 31 @ 11:15PM  
I loved all of these.

But these two on down below were my favorites!

Kudo for the laughs!

******************************

Somnium walks into a bar with A pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his Mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, Each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth As the crowd gasped. After a minute, The man grabbed a beer Bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of Its head.

The croc opened his mouth And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, And the first of his free Drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

Ewe-Wish timidly Spoke up..........


'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard With The Beer Bottle.."

*******************************


Two guys and Borty died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

Borty started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow AND asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

Borty replied, 'These are Carols.'
NightOfOld

Aug 31 @ 11:21PM  




I knew I was saving a kudo for someone.
BlueEyes708

Aug 31 @ 11:21PM  
Good Ones my Master. i shall give you a kudo
Ewe_Wish

Aug 31 @ 11:24PM  
But these two on down below were my favorites!

Ewe-Wish timidly Spoke up..........


'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard With The Beer Bottle.."

Straddle.........that wasn't a joke.......and damned if I will ever tell DKW anything in confidence again........... Now where the hell did I put the Tylenol................








theSkwirl

Aug 31 @ 11:33PM  
hey, if he wants to wear my clothes he could have my job and the commensurate pay scale. Get that bitch ass in the kitchen and cook me some dinner!!!
ThePurpleProphet

Aug 31 @ 11:44PM  
WHAT!?!
flavorbuster

Aug 31 @ 11:57PM  
Ewe wants to latch on to Somniums tater
somnium

Sep 1 @ 1:03AM  
LMAO

I would only tap Ewe on her head lightly- last thing I need is a sudden Rottweiler situation there!

Ewe_Wish

Sep 1 @ 1:20AM  
I would only tap Ewe on her head lightly- last thing I need is a sudden Rottweiler situation there!
Hey now are you calling me a dog........Im a sheep .........wait a minute.............sheep.......dog......sheep dog.....ok that works.............

I would never bite hard...........nibbling always is a lot more affective............
zaralyon

Sep 1 @ 6:12AM  
dang I need to buy some eggs!
tassie1

Sep 1 @ 6:30AM  
little red sunshine...

i bet she has that outfit in her closet too
aftershox

Sep 1 @ 7:24AM  
ittle red sunshine...

i bet she has that outfit in her closet too

Maybe not in her closet. I am sure she has the cutest little red riding hood. The only question I have : "Is it pierced?"
Wordsofwit

Sep 1 @ 8:17AM  
That is a very creative way to revive old jokes. Good one, green thingie for you.
RevDocLove

Sep 1 @ 8:34AM  
Kewl Kudos
max49

Sep 1 @ 9:18AM  
And another kudo for you.
dmbchick420

Sep 1 @ 10:34AM  


Here's your kudo
snookslayer

Sep 2 @ 12:51AM  
Theres an upside to Alzheimers Disease....you can have an affair on your wife with your wife!
Sunshine79

Sep 4 @ 11:05AM  
Wow, how in the world did I miss this blog?? LMAO

Definite Greenie Sir!!!

Thanks for the honorable mention and the smile!!
Cootiesprayer

Sep 17 @ 2:04PM  
these are great dkw!!! more more. :o)

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Twisted jokes...