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Are Problems with Online Dating Caused by Online Dating? - oped

posted 8/24/2009 10:27:30 AM |
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  Wordsofwit

Dione, as usual, posted an excellent blog, Why do people misrepresent themselves on AMD?

The blog painted with a broad brush about fakes, spammers and many other types of frauds. The comments varied. Many people including the OP mentioned successes and good experiences in online dating. There was also at least one melodramatic comment that sounded like a girl in junior high over reacting to being dumped by her first boyfriend.

Online dating is no longer a novelty or a brave new world having been a medium for meeting people for at least 15 years. It is now mainstream and commonplace. Once there were fears of axe murders but over the course of the last decade and a half, there has yet to be a newspaper headline blaring, CYBER KILLER CLAIMS FORTEENTH VICTIM AT CHILIS.

It is my opinion that the comments reflect much more about the individual making it than it reflects upon the concept of online dating. There is a wide variance in the people behind the perspectives.

There are many people with a balanced view about the mix of people that they will encounter. They are street wise in the dating world and able to assess things and people readily.

Then there are also some people that are immature in their approach that are prone to historically making poor choices in the opposite sex regardless of how they become acquainted. They often are quick to blame anyone or anything but themselves for their personal shortcomings in choosing people to become involved with.

I find that latter type to be a bit comical on one hand, somewhat pathetic on the other, and damned tiresome on both.

I think that this blog post from April 2008 bears repeating:

We all see blogs condemning the opposite sex for the way the poster has been/was allegedly treated. Some appear to be heartfelt and sincere assessments of disappointment. Others appear to be whining rationalized bitterness. Generally, it is pretty easy to connect the dots to sort out what category a blog and the poster fits into.

I was cruising through blogs and saw one with a title that sounded familiar. I don’t want to be too specific so as to identify the poster personally. It, shall I say, referred to somebody not being Mr. Right. It was a whine about being used by a player and now the poster hated men. On the sidebar of the blog post was a listing of her other blogs. The most recent one was about meeting Mr. Right, posted less a week before this one. I read it. It was short, gushy, smarmy, and, yeah, right out of a Judy Garland/Mickey Rooney movie. It read like it came from a 12 year old.

I did a click back to the profile while grinning as I shook my head. My mouth kind of fell open and my eyes got big. No, the poster was not an 18 year old girl. The poster was twice that age, a middle age woman with teen age kids.

What is wrong with this picture? Several answers, all of them probably correct.

To me it was obvious that she got dumped. I’ve been dumped. I’ve dumped people. We’ve dumped each other. We’ve all been dumped. Reading the two blog posts gave me a pretty good idea of the reason in this case.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, let me restate what should be obvious:

When you meet somebody and begin going out, enjoy the journey without scripting the destination.

Guys don’t like sticky women and women don’t like clingy guys.

Love at first sight usually turns into love that bites.

Realistic LTR potential is rarely determined before two months with a tipping point at six.

If you get blown off, it doesn’t necessarily mean he is a player or she uses men.

If you didn’t make the cut, look into the mirror to see the mostly likely reason.

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Comments:

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sugarnspice005

Aug 24 @ 10:46AM  
Problems with online dating, IMHO, are from the people using the services. Some have expectations that are unrealistic. I vaguely remember the blog you posted, and I remember thinking then that the person should "grow up".

When I first ventured into cyber dating, yes, I admit to having high expectations. Thoughts like, "oh yeah, I'm going to meet Mr. Right within the month, blah,blah,blah"....In reality....it took a few months, email with a number of people, before I met Mick. It involved a lot of trial and error. Mostly error. To me, the biggest difference between online dating versus dating in the "real world" is that you're not literally "face to face" with the object of your desire. It's done on a computer.
Ewe_Wish

Aug 24 @ 10:59AM  
Personally I think online dating offers something that blind dates or meeting someone in "real" life (for lack of better term). You have an option of getting to "know" more about them prior to meeting them............prior to dating them....now yea there are a lot of players....................there is in real life too............and I think if a person is open to the idea and yet cautious.............online dating can be a lot of fun.

I met my late husband online. I moved a 1000 miles from my home to be with him. I think tho the key for us was that we met within a couple months of meeting online, talking on messenger, phone ect. We didn't drag it out. We met where I was at so I knew that I had my family around if he turned out to be something he wasn't....but to be honest I already knew who he was...........

Would I do long distance relationships again? Nope.............but not because it doesn't work for some................but because for me.........that's not the type of relationship I want to get into again...........but i "re-met" (I knew him years ago when I lived in MN tho we never dated but were friends) online and we wrote several weeks back and forth before we decided to have our first date...........and in those weeks I got to know a whole different person than I knew years before.

I use to be afraid to meet for real.........but than came a time when I became comfortable with the idea that I could decide for myself if a person was someone I could trust and would feel safe with prior to meeting them and I have only been fooled once.............and it really wasn't anything more than one little lie that came out when we did meet...........it wasn't because I was in danger or anything. I have met probably 30 people online that I met in real life...............and I found that sometimes when you think you click online you don't in real life...........That's nothing against them or me...............................we just for whatever reason didn't click.

My only advice to anyone who is interested in online dating or relationships is to go with your gut instinct and meet in real life within a couple of months......................
Wordsofwit

Aug 24 @ 11:08AM  
To me, the biggest difference between online dating versus dating in the "real world" is that you're not literally "face to face" with the object of your desire.

I think that there are two other enormous differences in online dating, the huge numbers or people and ability to become acquainted with people around the world.
McBunman

Aug 24 @ 11:25AM  
If you get blown off, it doesn’t necessarily mean he is a player or she uses men.

If you didn’t make the cut, look into the mirror to see the mostly likely reason.

I think alot of people need to really look at these last two points you made Bruce and take them to heart. Sometimes it is alot easier to point fingers than it is to look in the mirror.
dmbchick420

Aug 24 @ 11:38AM  
I met my husband online also. The only problems with online dating is caused by the people that use the online dating services.....most of the time it's because they are too inpatient and want instant gratification. You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince....just like in REAL LIFE...imagine that.
casuallylooking

Aug 24 @ 12:58PM  
and I found that sometimes when you think you click online you don't in real life...........That's nothing against them or me...............................we just for whatever reason didn't click.
Just like if you met someone at work or the grocery store. You may think you have a lot in common and get along well, but go on a date and discover although they may be a nice person and all...it just isn't there between you on that level.

Online dating is no longer a novelty or a brave new world
To some it still is and they would never consider such a thing. Maybe out of fear of the unknown, or not liking change in their lives...
ksk72

Aug 24 @ 3:53PM  
Just like anything in life you get what you put into it. Online dating takes alot of time and effort to find a match just like in real life. I still think it is the best way to date. Specially as a women there are literally hundreds of men beggin and all ya gotta do is pick one.
KitKat25

Aug 24 @ 5:20PM  
Guys don’t like sticky women and women don’t like clingy guys.


Realistic LTR potential is rarely determined before two months with a tipping point at six.


Personally, I invested 1 year in an online relationship before I ever entertained the idea of moving to where he lived. I am from the States...he is from Canada. We met online in 2000 and I moved to Canada in 2001. We put a lot of effort into our relationship...and we were completely honest every step of the way. We're still together and very happy.

Really good blog...thanks.
shewolf53

Aug 24 @ 6:27PM  
I think sometimes being online gets clouded by unwanted attention from people who if they bothered to read profiles would know they are not going to get laid by the person they are e-mailing. I am 55 years old, my oldest child is 31 and my youngest is 25, now what would make a kid younger than my youngest son think I am going to meet them? Fine if they are looking for just a friend to talk to online but get real. There are usually mixed results when you meet people online. Some you know after an e-mail or two that you have nothing in common and you part on friendly terms, some you like and find them interesting even if it just turns out to be friendship ,then there was the one guy on another site that I did consider getting a restraining order against. ( but his issues had nothing to do with online dating, he just brought them along for the ride) You take the good with the bad and the just plain ugly. I think the best approach is not to expect anything and just have fun and if you happen to meet someone you click with, great. Not everyone in the world is going to love you in real life or on here. Before you get into onlne dating or offline dating you need to take your big girl / boy pill and grow up. So what if you get dumped. If someone dumps you they did you a favor. It means they were the wrong person for you and how sad would it have been if you ended up in a long term relationship with that person or worse yet married to them?
aftershox

Aug 24 @ 10:05PM  
Terrific blog.. great thought.. yes, it all is just a journey. I especially love the line:
When you meet somebody and begin going out, enjoy the journey without scripting the destination.
If you have realistic expectations, and don;t try to force the outcome into your pre-determined ideal it can be a wonderful enriching experience.

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince....just like in REAL LIFE...imagine that.
I like to say you have to kiss alot of frog gonads...

These observations are really terrific:
Guys don’t like sticky women and women don’t like clingy guys.
If you get blown off, it doesn’t necessarily mean he is a player or she uses men.

Not all relationships are created equal, nor do they need to be. Just take what comes your way with gratitude and enjoy!
soft_touch938

Aug 29 @ 1:45PM  
Ok...hun-ney...I read and guess what? I have a different slant to it..now don't look so surprised...lol.

My slant will become a blog spin off from this one...if ya don't mind???

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Are Problems with Online Dating Caused by Online Dating? - oped