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Do I Look Like The Kind of Guy 2 Make Something Like This Up? Part Two

posted 12/14/2006 10:23:24 PM |
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Those very same skates were later found by a homeless man known only as Dumpster Dan (mostly becuz he wuz always seen in or within close proximity 2…well…dumpsters). Dumpster Dan realized at once the significance of such a find and tried in vain 2 slid his size twelve foot N2 the little boy’s skate. Finally he gave up and instead traded the skates 4 two packs of menthol light cigarettes, a broken flashlight and about one-third of a Charleston Chew candy bar 2 this midget he knew that hung around with those hookers under the bridge over by Discovery Park. Unbeknownst 2 Dumpster Dan (not that he would have cared had he known, but unbeknownst 2 him nonetheless), this particular homeless midget used 2 be in show business. He had played Sneezy in one of the traveling road companies of Kenneth Feld’s Disney on Ice 4 four years. But that wuz a million years and twice as many quarts of cheap wine ago, and no one remembered that he wuz the only actor 2 keep that role through four consecutive seasons or that he had helped Team Kyrugyzstan sweep N2 the medal round and crush neighboring rival Kazakhstan 2 win the Gold Medal in ice hockey at the 2004 Little Olympics. No…all they remembered wuz that he wuz the guy who fell 4 a girl, and then fell over the girl, knocking her down 2 the ice and severing all four of her fingers when he ran over her right hand with his skate. She wuz eventually deemed 2 be ok by the doctors…they had reattached her fingers and she regained most of their use, but the passion wuz gone, so she retired from skating and became a recluse, only 2 be seen from then on in brief flashes whenever she opened the door 2 pay the pizza guy or 2 let her paid lovers in and out of the building. But life held a different fate 4 the dwarf with the funny accent who had inadvertently caused her misfortune and eventual downward spiral from the public’s view. 4 him life held store leftovers out of pizza boxes thrown away the night B4 and ten dollar blowjobs from hookers down enough on their luck 2 blow a midget 4 ten bucks. But all that wuz about 2 change now that he had these babies!

He sat down on the cold sidewalk and slowly removed his tattered sneakers. His big toe poked through the worn seam of his sock as he pulled the little boy’s skate on2 his size seven foot. When both skates were on his feet he laced them up, then he slowly rose 2 his feet and took a tentative step 4ward. Ah…it wuz like riding a bike! One doesn’t 4get these things! But he had 4gotten how much he loved 2 skate. He hadn’t felt like this in years! Not since he wuz a boy in Kyrugyzstan and they would visit his Grandmothers place in the country. He could remember the feel of the cold wind as it stung his face with what felt like a million little needles and the icy rush of the cold wind as it whistled past his ears as he barreled down the bridge, rocketed over the curb and N2 traffic where he wuz run over and killed by a passing newspaper delivery truck. Due 2 his small size and the advanced drunkenness of the delivery driver (it wuz, by now, the third hour of his shift, fer Christ’s sake!) the hit and run wuzn’t discovered until the next morning when the driver returned 2 the garage, only then 2 discover the tattered, blood soaked skate still dangling from the front bumper of his truck, it’s owner’s foot still tucked snugly inside, as well as a broken headlight, busted grill and small dent in the fender. The newspaper, of course, deducted the charges 4 the repairs from his paycheck.

He wuz later arrested and charged with his fifth DUI as well as Hit and Run and Second Degree Murder, but these charges were later reduced and then dropped altogether when the driver agreed 2 testify against his estranged brother-in-law, purported mob soldier Sonny “The Stick Man” (cuz he’s so skinny…like a stick man!) Costelligetto as 2 what he had allegedly seen in the mobster’s trunk the day he came over 2 his sister’s place 2 borrow a shovel from her dumbshit of a husband. An event which coincidentally, and very much 2 the prosecutor’s glee, happened precisely forty-five minutes from the last time anyone had seen part time pimp and rival mobster wannabe Dougie “Don’t Call Me Dougie” Phelps (forty-five minutes being the exact amount of time needed 2 drive from Phelps’ place 2 the newspaper delivery driver’s house). The driver wuz able 2 nail down the exact time becuz he wuz missing the goddamn beginning of the goddamn Niner’s game 4 this bullshit. Oh, and also becuz his asshole of a brother-in-law had given him Dougie’s Rolex 4 being such a stand up guy and helping him out of this jackpot he’d gotten himself N2 (I’m telling U bro, whatever U do, stay away from those broads over on Stockton Blvd.. Nothin but trouble and headaches, I’m telling ya! No pussy is worth this shit…even if the bitch will let U piss on her! U know what I’m talkin about over here?). He didn’t, but he planned 2 find out as soon as the ten thousand dollar check he received 4 turning State’s Evidence cleared the bank, and he had settled N2 his brand new existence as Edward Graves of Ames, Iowa.

CONTINUED...

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Do I Look Like The Kind of Guy 2 Make Something Like This Up? Part Two