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Do I Look Like The Kind of Guy 2 Make Something Like This Up? Part One

posted 12/14/2006 10:21:50 PM |
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I live in an apartment complex with my family. My daughter, some of U may remember, recently went out with her stupid boyfriend and the two of them, along with most of the rest of his stupid friends had a small run-in with the law. As a result of this terrible mistake (the cops…not the boyfriend), she found herself grounded and, having nowhere else on the planet 2 hide out (as all grounded children are banished from society and branded pariahs), having 2 spend an enormous amount of time hanging out around the complex. While this must have seemed like it wuz the end of the world 2 my poor, distraught and mistreated teenager, 2 the neighborhood boys (the eight 2 twelve click) it must’ve seemed like they hit the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. One day she wuz just a flash of beauty they might catch a glimpse of on her way 2 the mall or climbing N2 her boyfriend’s mom’s car…someone they may have only daydreamed about (whom some of the older boys thought of while they were…um…ah…brushing their teeth 4 forty-five minutes with the door locked) during math class, but now this delicate flower…this princess…this fifteen year-old goddess wuz actually hanging out with them. Not the older kids who could drive, but them…the geeks…the outcasts. Wow…the pressure must have been a sonofabitch.

I first became aware of this critical situation on the second day of her groundation (I know that’s not a word, but I am of the opinion that it should be, and therefore, fuck Webster, I intend 2 use it), which by then wuz 2 late 2 save any of the poor bastards. They had already fallen under the siren’s spell and their young, testosterone starved bodies had little or no hope of staving off the effect of a girl with real boobs. At first the effect wuz subtle…a little more aggressiveness when wrestling or perhaps a little quicker 2 anger than usual. But, by the third day all hell had broken loose and there wuz no relief anywhere in sight. The complex wuz experiencing a full blown epidemic of prepubescent love.

At first they would just gather around her while she hung out outside. Of course, they would wrestle around and show off all of their best tricks 4 her, in an attempt 2 gain her attention and eventually her undying love. In time, this escalated N2 some of the older kids riding past her on BMX bicycles and doing side kicks and bunny hops while the younger boys rode around her in circles on their Razors and skateboards as she sat outside doing her homework. One brave youngster on inline skates had decided that morning over a bowl of Sugar Smacks that 2day wuz going 2 be his day 2 shine like a diamond in the sun. 2day wuz the day he wuz going 2 rise above the mediocrity of his peers and become a star. 2day, at long last, he would ascend upward, out of the masses, reach out 4 and grab the heart of his one true beloved. He wuz planning 2 achieve this feat by propelling his body 4ward at speeds reaching somewhere in the vicinity of eight, possibly even nine miles per hour, then jumping up on2 the curb, sliding down the edge all the way until reaching the end, then jumping back off on2 the sidewalk again, remaining completely unscathed in the process. I’m sure U’ve all seen the move I’m talking about. I’m sure the complex kids have all seen the move I’m talking about. They just didn’t see it that day, is all.

Instead what they saw wuz a nine year old kid get going as fast as he could on his skates B4 running N2 the steps, tripping himself and flying nine feet through the air, skipping twice and then tumbling 4ward and crashing headfirst N2 the mailboxes, giving himself a nasty gash that undoubtedly, wuz going 2 need a stitch or two and a bump on the head that may have resulted in a mild concussion. But that wuz nothing compared 2 that poor boys loss of pride, I’m sure. 2 have such a horrible accident (that’s what he wuz classifying it as…an accident. He just didn’t have the proper crosswind vectors at the time of the attempt, plus he wuz distracted by what he thought wuz a flash of cleavage (it wuz actually her soda) and as a result jumped far 2 soon and thus landed in front of, rather than on top of, his target. The rest wuz just simple physics, really.) in front of the girl of his dreams must’ve really sucked balls. He wuz hoping 2 do far better next time. That wuz assuming he could talk his Grandma N2 buying him another pair of skates, since his mother had taken his 2 work and thrown them in the dumpster outside her office building.


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Do I Look Like The Kind of Guy 2 Make Something Like This Up? Part One