I’ve been doing some thinking (no good can come of this. U may want 2 buckle Ur seatbelt.) and it occurs 2 me that what the world needs is one decent super villain. Someone who can unite the entire planet in a struggle 2 save the Earth from his villainous doings. Someone who a couple of old oil prospectors from Texas might think twice about B4 fucking with him (then, of course, they would fuck with him anyway, becuz…well…they’re from Texas). The world needs someone who can unite us as a people, across borders and racial lines. One bad dude, if U know what I mean.
Ok, sure…Osama Bin Laden is a pretty scary cat, I’ll give U that, and Al Qaeda is a fairly competent terrorist organization. But, let’s be honest here…he’s no Ernst Blowfeld and they’re not ever going 2 be comparable 2 S.P.E.C.T.R.E.! Why? I’ll tell U why. Becuz it takes more than just evil 2 make a super villain. Sure Osama’s an evil fucker. That goes without saying. So wuz Saddam, 4 that matter. But, where wuz the greed? Where’s the megalomania? Where are all the henchmen? And where’s the secret headquarters hidden in the side of a mountain?
Ok, I’m willing 2 grant U that based upon my criteria Saddam is closer 2 a super villain than Osama will ever be. First of all, he wuz a greedy little cocksucker…that’s a given. Anyone who takes a crap on a solid gold shitter while people are starving less than six miles away definitely counts as greedy. What’s next…megalomania? Well…I suppose that an argument could be made that when he invaded Kuwait it wuz just the first move in a very complex scheme which involved all kinds of shit I’m not prepared 2 go N2 right now and ends up with Iraq ruling the whole planet. Ok, since that’s pretty much the definition of a megalomaniac I’m going 2 give that one 2 U…two down. Three…if U really wanted 2 stretch shit nearly 2 it’s breaking point, there is a school of thought which prescribes 2 the idea of the Republican Guard being Saddam’s personal henchmen. Finally, the secret headquarters hidden in the side of a mountain. That’s where the whole argument goes right in the proverbial golden commode, I’m afraid.
Becuz no matter how one stretches it…which angle one from which one sees it…whose perspective one looks at it from…regardless of how bias their opinion may actually be, there is simply no way 2 turn a hole in the middle of the fucking Iraqi desert N2 a secret headquarters in the side of a mountain. No…I’m afraid even Osama and his ragtag band of butt monkeys got ya on this one, Saddam. At least Osama is holed up in a cave somewhere. Give him a couple Apple IIs and a TRS-80 and he’ll be ultra high tech compared 2 Ur sorry ass. And what wuz with the beard? Is it already time 4 the Baghdad Christmas Parade? Oh, I see…all U had with U wuz the Norelco that Udday had Given U 4 Saddam Hussein day and U had nowhere 2 plug it in becuz there wuz no electricity. Well, dickhead, with no electricity just how do U expect 2 lower the blast doors when the good guys come 2 upset Ur evil applecart? And U call this a secret headquarters hidden in the side of a mountain. No wonder they caught Ur sorry non-super ass.
Had it not been 4 this last point I may have had 2 admit that Saddam wuz indeed a super villain, but I just can’t get past the hole in the desert thing. It’s really a shame 2, cuz he scored major points when gassed his own people. That’s some heinous shit that Hitler himself would have been proud of, I’m sure. He might have made it had it not been 4 that. That and the fact he’s a pussy. Super villains and pussies have absolutely nothing in common.
At least until Hillary Clinton wins the nomination.
DS 
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