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Hooked on Gin & Tonic - Works 4 Me!

posted 12/13/2006 5:20:49 PM |
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I don’t go 2 hookers. I never have. Not even when I wuz one. I didn’t see the point. Why do I want 2 spend good money getting someone I barely know 2 sleep with me? Becuz they’re attractive? So what…I’m attractive. They don’t even want 2 be there. I have no choice. I have 2 be here. So why wouldn’t I want 2 spend time with someone who actually wants 2 spend time with me? Besides, they aren’t offering me anything I can’t get 4 free by applying myself.

But that doesn’t mean I am against prostitution, per se. I mean, c’mon…there’s always going 2 be a market 4 pussy. There always has been. A long time ago a bunch of people no one remembers were trying 2 get in some clever girl’s panties. They had been trying everything they could think of (Hey! Can I have some pussy?)and the young maiden wuz growing tired of being pestered 4 no good reason (there wuz rarely a good reason 4 giving it up, btw) when it suddenly dawned upon her 2 ask the most important question ever asked. How bad do U want it? As it turned out they wanted it pretty badly, and the adult entertainment industry wuz born.

And, unlike some other human industries (nuclear weapons, chemical agents, Britney Spears, ect…), the sex industry actually does mankind some good. Probably becuz it wuz thought up by a woman, but I have no hard facts 2 support that assertion. Just a…well, let’s call it a hunch, shall we? But good it does, nonetheless. Allow me 2 explain…

Ever so often there comes a guy who 4 whatever reason has way 2 much money. I don’t know, he won the lottery or inherited it or has a really great job and no fucking life or an even better job with an expense account. And this guy may even have some peculiar tastes (he only gets excited when his balls are licked by a 6’ tall blonde Chinese bitch) or fantasies (he wants the Chinese broad 2 shit in a bucket, dance around the room singing My Heart Will Go On and then pour the bucket on him) he may feel he can’t share with his significant other (would U feel comfortable sharing some shit like that? Besides, she’s probably 2 busy getting her bush hedged by the gardener 2 give a fuck anyway). So, 4 that or some other reason (God knows) he seeks relief elsewhere.

Elsewhere (try Vegas if U don’t have any luck anywhere else) there happens 2 be a 6’ tall Chinese bitch who hates 2 work. She likes 2 party. She likes 2 spend money and she likes 2 fuck. Working? Not so much*. She especially likes 2 fuck when she is being paid 4 it and she doesn’t even mind shitting in a bucket. The Celine Dion song is going 2 cost U extra, though.

Although it is nearly as rare as spotting someone putting gasoline N2 an SUV, from time 2 time these lonely souls will come 2gether in an act of commerce that is…well…beautiful. Except 4 the shitting in a bucket thing…I could do without that, 2 be honest. And everyone is happy. The client gets his rocks off, the hooker gets her new Prada clutch, the wife doesn’t have 2 memorize any songs by crappy Canadian singers and the Gardener gets LAID.

So, like it or not, prostitution is here 2 stay. So long as there are at least two motherfuckers on the planet and at least one of them is a woman there is going 2 be a market 4 pussy. If there are no women, there will be a market 4 boys with girlish features. If there are no men there will be a market 4 cucumbers. I can’t help it. It just makes sense.

And therefore must be right.


* I didn’t mean 2 imply that these girls do not work. U would be amazed at how much work it is lying around a four star hotel room all day getting high and waiting 4 someone 2 come over, fuck U and give U $400.

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Hooked on Gin & Tonic - Works 4 Me!