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No one deserves to be abused in any form.

posted 6/24/2009 2:56:42 PM |
1 kudogive kudos what's this?
    report abuse

Why do some people want to be a abuser? I don't get it? It is a power trip of some kind? I have a friend at work that is being abused by her husband. I have talked to her and told her I have been there and it is hard getting out but she needs to before it is too late. Plus she has two young kids at home who see this. I worry about her all the time. Today she was suppose to come to work but didn't show up and no one could get a hold of her. Finally we found out she was ok but was not allowed to leave the house. Because her husband said so. He control's her every move. She has came to work with a black eye. She is scared of him. She had her chance to leave. He went out of state to work. I told her that now was the time to leave him while he was gone. She went out on Friday night with a couple of girlfriend's from work and her husband found out and flew back home. He said some mean things to her, broke out some window's of their van. I am sure he hit her also but I was not there. Plus he threatened the friend she went out with. That part I heard as it was at work yesterday.
I had a friend that was murdered by her ex husband two month's ago. She was being abused by him also but got up the gut's to leave him. She feared for her life and her daughter's life. While her daughter was at her senior prom my friend's ex husband was waiting for her at her new house. She tried to run from him and he shot her in the back. She was killed. The cops had to go to the school to get her daughter and take her to the hospital. What a way to remember your senior prom. Your mom get's murdered. My friend that was mudered was always smiling. She never had a bad thing to say about anyone. Had a good job and was proud of her daughter. Now she is gone. Because of abuse. Her ex figured that if he couldn't have her no one else could either including her family. One of the family member's said at the visitation that her ex said she would never live to see her daughter graduate. It was two weeks before graduation when she was killed. The cops had her ex in custody and questioned him. I talked to the dectective on the case. He knew that her ex was quilty but they couldn't prove it. They told him they were doing a DNA test on him. He had a new long scratch on his face where she might of tried to get away from him. He called a friend the next morning and asked how accurate a DNA test was. And after that he shot himself in the head. He killed himself because he was quilty. There was so many people at the funeral home for the visitation there was a two hour wait to get in. The line was that long. This woman was loved by everyone. I heard from so many people that her ex wouldn't do something like that. I said yes he would. I knew her and she told me she was scared of him.

What I am afraid of now if my friend from work is going to be next if she don't get away from her husband. I pray often during the day for her that she will get help. Before it is too late.

I have done what I can. I have been a friend.

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Jun 24 @ 3:10PM  
The problem is most people in an abusive relationship are scared to death to leave or they love that person so much they pray for things to change and hope if they stay longer things will change. I was in an abusive relationship myself and I know these feelings. Can't always explain why I stayed as long as I did but I look back now and go " Why was I so foolish? ". How could I have been that stupid? I'm one of the lucky ones, the ex doesn't bother me and I have a good husband now who doesn't abuse me.

Unfortuntly you can't do much in this case. You can't make her leave and you can't step in. The only thing you can do as a friend is be there if she asks to talk or needs help. Sorry for your loss of a friend and for the daughter. If you want to, get some pamphlets about abuse for her and give them to her at work. Maybe she will read them and re think her situation. Good luck.

Jun 24 @ 3:26PM  
God just reading this brings back so many memories. There are various of reasons why women (men) stay in abusive relationships, one being scared they will kill you. I went through verbal abuse (physically onece),but the devastation is still the same even with the verbal. When my daughter was two years old, I wanted to leave, my husband said that I could leave all I wanted but the baby wasn't going anywhere. Of course I said that when I left I would not leave her behind!! He told me that if I took her I would not live long enough to enjoy her!! Well needless to say, I didn't leave. For the most part with me leaving was him getting her through visitation and to be honest that scared the living hell out of me, beings he was suicidal, and always saying he wished we could all go together,,,,,,scary stuff and until you go through something like is easy for someone to say 'you should leave' it is not cut and dry like that, unfortunately. I did end up leaving and he did end up killing himself. I am so sorry to hear about your friend and also about you co-worker, I pray she gets the help she needs and has the strenght to do what is best for her and her children.

Jun 24 @ 3:36PM  
It's so hard to tell someone what they should do. They are so scared and blinded by their abuser, sometimes they can't help themselves.

As a friend, I'd called DCF and tell them to check the home. I don't know if that's the right route, but it's a start. The children might admit to seeing their mom be abused. It's not safe for them or her to be there.

Keep talking to her, made one day it will sink in.

Jun 24 @ 4:27PM  
huh what abuse? like military abuse? like we should go around
blowing bubbles, and doing the ballet and love one another and work
for free and do everything we do outta the kindness of our heart.
all pro bono. and never ask for a reward. and be for peace
and love. it used to be called slavery, its not slavery its volunteer work.
everyone loves working for nothing. yeah, cool, in china, like it is here
in the usa, ya get a cot, a hot, a bot, and a pot. govt. trailer parks are really
in vogue now. outhouse 4 miles down the road. toilet paper on wednesdays,
if the delivery truck get robbed. water? if it rains. electricity is cool
everyone has batteries that last forever. it aint' exactly the time of totally
batchen days ya know. money has a lot to do with it. ya might try stayin
within the budget he says he stay in. a woman with a credit card in her
husbands name is the most dangerous animal in the world.

Jun 24 @ 4:53PM  
I am not defending abuse of any kind.

But my experience has been that once you "rescue" these people, they either go back to the abuser, get involved with another abuser or both. It is like being a lifeguard where you rescue them and before you get to your stand, they are back in the water again floundering.

Abuse is hideous, no doubt about it. But most women I have known that are in these situations have a track record of bad choices in men. In far too many cases, the guy is an abuser and the woman is a loser due to her choices.

Jun 24 @ 6:01PM  


God put women on this earth as a companion for us men. We are suppose to love, honor, respect, comfort, cherish, adore, and worship them per say. Treat them as equals.
We should never EVER, disrespect them, hit them. hurt them in any way. They are our loved ones, not our possesions. You should bever mistreat them or abuse
them in any way. Neither Mentally or Physically.
Any man who would do something like that. To me is not a man, but the lowest
form of animal.

Jun 24 @ 7:25PM  
Aly, when an abused person leaves the abuser is the most dangerous time in that relationship. a lot of people are killed because the abuser feels if they can't have them no one can.

The only thing you, yourself, can do is be there if she needs you and do like sunshine said, call child protective services, they at least can protect the children and off the record give the mom numbers to hotlines who could get her set up in a shelter or something. She should also get counceling and joing a support group for battered women if and when she decides to leave.

Jun 24 @ 8:18PM  
I am so sorry you've had to deal with the loss of a friend.....for such a senseless, selfish act! You can only be there for this other friend and give her advice and the shoulder she needs.

I wish the best for her!! I hope it has a different outcome!

This son of a bitch didn't even consider his daughter in this whole thing..... that's very sad! Not only did she lose her mother but her father also...........what kind of future does that child have? And to ruin such an important night of her life.........I have no feelings for him at all.... but I am saddened for everyone else involved!

I give you a kudo for your friendships and your caring soul!

Jun 25 @ 12:00PM  
and the woman is a loser due to her choices.

I'm only gonna say this once so fuckin' listen up! A woman making bad choices IS NOT A LOSER!

There is a gazillion reasons a woman finds herself in those situations and if she's making bad choices there is a gazillion reasons BEHIND those choices.

Not one of us can sit back on our pedestals and know what kind of life a woman has had through her childhood and teen years.


When you're made to feel like one then you usually live that out until something happens to turn your way of thinking around.

Men abuse for a number of reasons...power, feeling insecure, jealousy, ect. A woman stays for all the crap that's INSIDE her...years of God knows what that freezes her to put up with it. She will only walk away when she somehow learns her self worth and gains some self esteem. That's hard to do when an abuser is verbally assaulting her with words to keep her from learning this.

I will always have a knee jerk reaction that rears its ugly head when people who know nothing about these kinds of situations get on their holier-than-thou pedestals and spouts off what they perceive as wisdom in knowing...and degrading women that have made these bad choices.

A strong mentally and emotionally healthy woman does not choose an abusive relationship. An abusive man will not win...or want...a woman like that. He finds a woman who is weak in these areas with problems and even if she may appear to be strong, he finds the chinks in her armor and chips away at it until one day she wakes up and finds herself in so deep that now she's scared and feels trapped. Her self esteem and self worth is damaged by all the verbal assaults that she feels what she gets is her fault...he has effectively made her dependant on him.

It is no different that cancer eating away at her and just as deadly. It's a form of sickness, ugly and destructive. Would you call a woman with cancer a loser??? I think not!

Jun 25 @ 3:14PM  
SOFTIE IF I COULD KISS YOU I WOULD!! I read that damn comment this morning and almost went balistic!!!!!!!!! What fucking nerve for someone to say that a women being in an abusive situation is a loser!!

Jun 25 @ 4:05PM  
What fucking nerve for someone to say that a women being in an abusive situation is a loser!!

That is not what I said. I am speaking about women who have a history of being in abusive relationships and always wind up with the same kind of mother fuckers. The real sad thing is that their bad choices in guys is also put upon their kids. I have known a lot of women like that I am sad to say. There is an old saying; Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Like it or not, there are these kind of women out there and, yes, they are losers. If for no other reason, they are losers because they continuously but their children in harm's way by choosing to become involved abusive men.

Jun 25 @ 4:31PM  
Well do you not think that half of the abusers ARE the childrens' fathers!! Also most men put up a good front in the begining, then after they got you is when the abuse starts and by that time, usually, it's too late. I don't know about anyone elses situation but in my own...It was stay with him and be there for my child, or leave him and let him get her for visitation. Believe me staying was well worth the peace of mind for me. There was no way I wanted police knocking on my door to say she was DEAD!! I'm not by any means puffing up my case, I'm sure there are many women out there that are in that situation if not worse! When one is scared for their life, I'm sure staying is a safer option, case in point is one of the ladies that Aly's talking about. She was murdered after leaving the man (loser),,,,,,you're actually calling the wrong one the loser.

Jun 25 @ 5:39PM  
My point is TWO losers and shared psychosis whose choices impact their kids. Anyone who is an abuser is a loser, anyone woman that allows a likely abuser into her life, especially if she has custody of children is a loser. In point of fact, these women often lose custody of their kids and for good reason. Like it or not, these kinds of women exist.

Jun 26 @ 9:00PM  
Reading WOWs comments really upsets me. Growing up in an abusive enviroment gives me a little more knowledge on this. My mother was abused by her second and third husband. her first husband was killed in an accident. She went through hell with the last two. She was given all the excuses. he couldnt help it, he still loved her, it was stress, it was the job and on and on and on and on foreverer. Then it came, the big one. IF YOU HAD NOT OF HAVE MADE ME DO THIS. It all became her fault. They told her she was the loser and would never get anything better. Once these women have been beaten to the point of accepting this its almost to late to help. No matter how many times they try. My mother was not a loser. She did all she could. These women are not losers. You take that type of abuse and see how well you come out of it. These women lose everything they have, sometimes even their children. But they are not losers. They are people trapped, sometimes within their own mind. I read WOWS comments, I dont think he meant to be mean or cruel. Just used the wrong words. Time for me leave now, before i get thrown out.

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No one deserves to be abused in any form.