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My dad

posted 6/23/2009 11:21:07 AM |
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Before you begin reading....this isn't a happy blog. It's actually a bit depressing. Read on if you want....

I've been thinking about my "father" a lot the last couple of days. I've had a lot of different feelings.....anger and sadness mostly. I don't understand why he chooses to not contact his only child. Long story short (well sort of)....

My dad and mom divorced when I was 4. I visited him every other weekend. He lived in town until I was 12. He moved to Colorado and didn't even contact me to let me know he had moved. I found out from my then stepmother that he had "found a new wife" and left town. When I was about 15, I decided to find him and I did.

Since then, I have seen him maybe 5 or 6 times. I visited him once in Colorado when I was about 15 (shortly after I had made contact with him for the first time). He came to town a couple times between then and the time I got married. He walked me down the aisle for my first wedding. Came to town maybe twice after I got married. Hasn't seen his grandkids since they were 3 years old and 6 months old. I contacted him by mail when I split up with my ex-husband and never heard from him.

I sent him an X-mas card once and it was returned to me with "return to sender - forwarding address unknown". My mother found his current address (I will leave the details of how she found out unmentioned). This was about a year or so ago that she found his current address. For all I know, the guy has moved. It seems like he has lived in about 7 different cities in Colorado....possibly more. I think he rents a house and then when his lease is up, he moves.

I've thought about contacting him ever since I got his new address, but I'm afraid of what happened before. That I will try and never hear from him. I want to write him a letter and tell him off and tell him thanks for not ever being there for me, but then I don't know if I should because that may scare him away. I'm pretty sure he has been to town since I last saw him. All of his family is here and he is pretty close to my uncle. I don't know that side of the family very well and have rarely spoken to them....only have seen them on the few occasions that my father has been around.

I don't understand why he doesn't make an effort. It makes me sad and at the same time, it pisses me off.

I'm not even sure the point of this blog. I just needed to let it out, I guess. Maybe some words of advice? Should I contact him? What should I say? Should I be open and honest and tell him how I feel? Or should I sugar coat it so I have a chance of hearing from him?

By the way, if you don't have anything nice to say, leave your comments to yourselves. My father is a very sore spot with me and it hurts. I don't need anyone adding salt to my wounds.

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Jun 23 @ 11:33AM  
you know sometimes its better to leave alone! do he still have your adress or moms? my dad never was in my life either! i got a letter when i was 13 from him telling me why he hasnt been in my life, he kinda of blamed my mom for. my mom remarried to another guy which he was all i ever needed, he taught me what my dad couldn"t you made a few attempts! i would let him do the move! just my opionion

Jun 23 @ 11:38AM  
I'm sorry. You are NOT the only one out there with a scumbag for a dad.

My 9 year old daughter hasn't seen her dad in over 4 years. He never calls her. If and when he does, he makes all kinds of promises and never follows thru. Then, I have to make up excuses at to why these promises were never kept. It hurts.

What's worse? My daughter was born onhis birthday. And he can't even manage to call her on that day. There is no excuse for it, don't even say you forgot when her birthday was.

He makes zero effort and then wants to call and tell me how terrible life is and tell me his million problems. Man, I don't give a fuck what's going on in your life, but making an effort to call your daughter once a week isn't asking for much.

I do NOT talk bad about him to her. I don't shit talk him. I just hope she doesn't grow up resenting him for not being around and having no contact. All I can say, is I'm glad she's had the same person in place since he left us to call Dad.

Fuck my ex......He's the one missing out on a special little girl.

Jun 23 @ 11:54AM  
I would be certain that his family has your contact information, especially the brother that he is close to. Beyond that, let it go. If he wants to contact you, he will.

Jun 23 @ 11:59AM  
I feel your pain here hun. My parents split when I was about 11 or 12. He would rarely call us ( I'm the oldest out of 3 ) and he would say I'll come get you so and so day and time. I used to sit on the front porch waiting for him and he wouldn't show up. He would call hours after he should have been here and make an excuse. Found out later he would be down at the bar with his friends instead. When he did take us he spent alot of money on us I guess feeling guilty. He was back and forth between NJ and VA for a few years. I tried living with him when I was 15 and it didn't work out. He had a g/f from NJ that would come down on weekends and he would give me money to go shopping or whatever to get me out of the way. He ignored me a good bit more when she was there and she would jump into any conversation I tried to have with him. Needless to say after a few months I moved back home with my mother.

Around the time I was 16 he decided to marry his g/f and he had told us kids they weren't going to have any children. I refused to go to the wedding, I didn't like her and she wasn't very nice to me. She got mad and so did he. Then he found out that while I was living with him I had been raped and that changed alot of things. I used to be daddy's girl untill my parents split. Never again after this. Since I was 16 I have maybe talked to him 10 times on the phone maybe 15 at most. Have only seen him less then that over the years. My grandmother his mother tries to make me " try " with him more and I always end up calling him, writting him and I get no calls back and no letters back. He doesn't know my kids and they don't know him. He has seen them maybe 4 to 5 times. I am tired of trying with him and sick that he can't get to know his own grandkids. Of course my grandmother says he is mad at me because I called my stpe dad , dad in front of him. Well what did he expect?

BTW he now has 2 children with this wife and they are around my kids ages. His wife will not speak to me at all and she refuses to have anything to do with us either. Have tried talking to her and she teold me " I have nothing to say to you".
Yet, they keep in contact with my younger brother, just not me or my sister. It hurts I know but I give up. I can't keep putting myself in the position of calling him or writting him and getting no response. I can't tell you what to do, but for me I need to stop trying to get him to talk to me or see my kids. Sorry didn't mean to make my reply so long but wanted to let you know there are others in the same place hun.

Jun 23 @ 11:59AM  
You are NOT the only one out there with a scumbag for a dad.

Respectfully, I think DMB is looking for advice and thoughts about how and whether to contact him as opposed comments bitching about exes.

Jun 23 @ 12:00PM  
One thing I have learned is that I am only responsible for my actions and I can't control someone elses actions. I know it must hurt you deeply and if I was you, I would set down and write a long letter to him. Tell him everything you feel about him not being there and not staying in contact with you. Tell him how good your life is, give him details of how wonderful your children are and how happy you are. When you are done, let it set for a couple days and than pick it up and reread it. You may come to the conclusion that you don't need to send it, you may come to find that you are happy in your life, and although he is missing out of it, thats his problem not yours, you have always been there for him to reach out to. If not, send it, if he never responds, well then you know he isn't worth crying over, and if he does respond, than it will be your choice whether you want him in your life or not...........

Either way, it will probably help you come to terms with this..............I wish you the best with this...........

Jun 23 @ 12:10PM  
Do it.

My dad is a jackass, an addict, a sad,old man trying to recapture his youth which had him captured by the police instead. He was...a verbally abusive, cheating, lying person who still do this day shuns my younger sister and is a slave to his appetites that managed to get him more than just the 5 daughters he knows about.

He is a pompous, hypocritical ass..a selfish child. At my darkest hour, when I sat and swallowed a handful of pills- he sat on the porch and smoked a joint. My mom came and took me to the ER to get my stomach pumped. He can be cold if you're of no use to him...

However, I love him. Can you believe that Holly? I love him although he left me when I was the same age you were as a kid. I can't say it hasn't broken me, but I'm forgiving...slowly.

Just don't make it too late. If hes on your mind, let him know that. Let him know that he still has a daughter out there, and that you care in some form. The ball is in his court after that.

Jun 23 @ 12:51PM  
Sometimes men just do not want to be fathers. Happened to me twice. My oldest son's father ran out two days before our wedding and went back to Europe (he had dual citizenship) My youngest two's father I left because he got into drugs and was selling them out of the house. He disappeared when he was told he needed to pay child support by a judge, never to be heard from again. That was probably for the best.
If someone wants nothing to do with their kids I have found it is better to just let it go. You can't make someone be a parent that wants nothing to do with being one.
He knows where you are and could contact you and maybe one day he will, hopefully not because he wants something from you. It appears he has a new life and wants no reminders of the old one. I am sorry you had to go through that but you are not alone. Just let it go and know if he is like that he might not be someone you would want bouncing in and out of your life.

Jun 23 @ 2:49PM  
Maybe just write him a letter saying anything and everything you're feeling and thinking about him. Sometimes it helps just to get it out. You don't have to ever send it to him. Chances are at this point he either won't get it anyways or care if he does. But it might help you to let it all out. Keep the letter for yourself to read from time to time when you think about him to remind you of how you felt. It may change in the coming years and it may not. Either way, I hope you find what works for you and you can move past what he has and hasn't done to you.

Jun 23 @ 6:49PM  
If you don't mind being the one to make all the effort in the relationship, then go for it. Maybe if you don't expect anything from him, you won't be disappointed when he doesn't come through- better yet you'll be pleasantly surprised if he does make some effort.
My ex has no contact with my son. My son is 13 and the last time he saw his dad was 1998, when he was two. My ex blames me for our divorce, and thinks that by cutting my son off he's hurting me. Obviously, he's not the brightest bulb in the pack. I have always told my son that if he wants to pursue a relationship with his father when he's older it's completely up to him. I don't trash talk my ex, either, on the off chance my son does end up having a relationship with his father.
I think you have to do what you feel the most comfortable doing. Just be prepared to deal if things don't go how you expect them to go.
Good luck!

Jun 23 @ 8:00PM  
I am sorry that you have been put in this situation. I think I would write a letter (quick note) and say...I am thinking of you. Hope you are well. Sometimes a brief message of recognition in a positive way will release you of your own feelings letting you move on. If he contacts you that will be a good thing. If not, you know you tried. Best Wishes!

Jun 24 @ 12:59AM  
Maybe just write him a letter saying anything and everything you're feeling and thinking about him. Sometimes it helps just to get it out. You don't have to ever send it to him. Chances are at this point he either won't get it anyways or care if he does. But it might help you to let it all out. Keep the letter for yourself to read from time to time when you think about him to remind you of how you felt. It may change in the coming years and it may not. Either way, I hope you find what works for you and you can move past what he has and hasn't done to you.

I was going to more or less suggest the same thing. Put all your feelings and thoughts out there on paper...then wait. Maybe a week or a month. Reread it and see if it is still how you are feeling. If so, send it.

I also like WoW's suggestion of making sure his family has your contact information. Though I wonder why they have never tried to stay in touch with you...

Families are queer things. While my parents are still together and more or less involved in my life, I have come to the realization that my mother is never going to see the damage she has done to me and waiting for her to apologize would be like trying to hold my breath...useless. Fortunately I have two sisters that I am able to vent at about the stuff and them to me.

I know it doesn't make the hurt go away but there is truth in the saying...his loss.

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My dad