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Funny, smartass sayings for when you're stressed...

posted 6/12/2009 9:56:40 AM |
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If you're stressed, here are some comments you can use to help articulate your mood to others...

My favorites are in bold...

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?
3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
5. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
6. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
7. Do I look like a fucking people person?
8. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
11. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
12. You! Off my planet!
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
15. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
16. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
17. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
19. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.
20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
21. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
22. And your cry baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
23. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
24. See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil.
25. Allow me to introduce my selves.
26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
28. Better living through denial.
29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
31. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
32. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
33. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
34. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
35. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
36. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
37. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
38. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
39. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
40. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
41. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
42. One of us is thinking about ****... OK, it's me.
43. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
44. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
45. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
46. It's sick the way you people keep having **** without me.
47. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
48. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
49. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
50. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
51. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
52. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
53. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
54. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
55. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."
56. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
57. Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.
58. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
59. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
60. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
61. This is a mean, fucking cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now!
62. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
63. Earth is full. Go home.
64. Is it time for your medication or mine?
65. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
66. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
67. I plead contemporary insanity.
68. And which dwarf are you?
69. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
70. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
71. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
72. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
73. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
74. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I got a kick out of them! Hope you do too!

Copy & paste to friend: (Click inside box; Ctrl + C to copy; Ctrl + V to paste)

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post a comment!


Jun 12 @ 10:38AM  
I love them all but my favorite is
2. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?

I use that one all the time............

Jun 12 @ 11:14AM  
Not sure if this is in there, "If I want to listen to an asshole, I'll fart."

Jun 12 @ 11:29AM  
May I add a couple?

75. Watch it!!! I'm capable of going from zero to bitch in 3 seconds!
76. Hopefully, it gets better after this life, 'cause if this is all there is, what a kick in the ass that is!

Always liked #75

#76 was said by my best friend, who isn't with us anymore!


Jun 12 @ 11:46AM  
77. You've obviously confused me with someone who gives a shit

Not exactly applicable, but one of my fav T-shirt sayings

Quiet voices, or I'll poke you with a Q-tip again

Jun 12 @ 12:35PM  
30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

OMG, how true is that??

Jun 12 @ 12:40PM  
If gas took the place of brains, you wouldn't have enough to go around a cheerio one time.

Jun 12 @ 12:45PM  
I'm glad to see there's someone else in the world with a warped sense of humor like mine
I have #38 on a tee..
Also I'M SHY,But I Got Big Dick
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Talk To Me

Jun 12 @ 12:53PM  
I'm glad to see there's someone else in the world with a warped sense of humor like mine

You don't even know the half of it

Jun 12 @ 1:29PM  
Life is a circus and I am stuck in the freak tent.

Who are these children and why are they calling me mom?

Never go to bed angry...stay awake and plot your revenge.

Exercise Hard. Eat right. Die anyway.

Jun 12 @ 2:05PM  
12. You! Off my planet!
I kinda like this one. Enough to where I may start using this.

Jun 12 @ 2:59PM  
Here's a quarter, call your momma cuz I don't care.

It's not so much that I am crazy, it's that the rest of you are so horribly sane!

Do they have a 12 step program for that?

Victory!! thru superior firepower.

Jun 12 @ 3:37PM  
All these Vegetarian, healthy eating, exercise freaks are gonna feel stupid when they realize that they died of nothing.

Jun 12 @ 7:53PM  
Now they were great,,,,thanks for the laugh!!

Jun 13 @ 7:19PM  
smarty pants

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Funny, smartass sayings for when you're stressed...