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Random....Middle Of The Night.....

posted 6/1/2009 9:15:54 PM |
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tagged: fuck, funny, sunshine

Text Messages........

(709): just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.

(805): before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.

(413): that girl last night was a 15
(1-413): wait she was 15?
(413): no like black jack not sure if you should hit it

(973): Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie

(773): Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.

(802): that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight

(703): While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.

(317): His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me

(312): i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab

(404): You can't special order awesome

(404): I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
(954): Yeah, I don't like babies at all

(310): I think I won the penis lottery.

(954): i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
(425): hahaha how?
(954): its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery

(718): I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn

(508): Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.

(970): I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.

(703): There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....

(614): If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes

(210): stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
(281): Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps

(515): He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.

(843): I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at's gonna be an interesting month

(616): GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?

(709): She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.

(269): So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
(937): Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...

(609): apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink

(626): and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.

(410): it was a mass text i'm sorry
(603): do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?

(603): just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap

(908): My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.

(803): I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
(704): Well, there goes breastfeeding.

(734): I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
(1-734): Shittttttt.
(734): Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.

(612): How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk

(440): so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"

(225): I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
(504): Who won?
(225): All of them.

(914): I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote

(253): Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.

(101): Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?

(405): So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
(1-405): Oh.My.God.

(713): eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"

(512): dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.

(626): What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"

(513): Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide

(860): i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.

(203): When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.

(407): I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth

(904): Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
(1-904): wtf?
(904): It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'

(516): Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.

(518): She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.

(614): There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
(614): Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.

(These are from TextsFromLastNight Dot Com, The Numbers Represent The Area Code The Text Came From)

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Jun 2 @ 6:06AM  
(310): I think I won the penis lottery. You haven't worn them all out yet 703): While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.... Be careful & don't mistake my noodle for being Ramen

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Random....Middle Of The Night.....