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DNA Test Results Came a Bit Ago in the Mail

posted 12/8/2006 10:54:23 AM |
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tagged: straddle, daughter

For almost a year after Natasha first connected me on her birthday (Dec.23) I have had a chance to get to know her and to get used to the idea that I'm her father. I took that DNA test Nov.13 and was told that it would take 2-4 weeks give or take some and that I would be given the results through the mail. I got the results just like 20 minutes ago in the mail and I opened it up to learn that I'm NOT her father. After a couple of minutes I started shaking a little and very upset that I'm not. This whole thing has really been a blessing for me this year and spruced my life up thinking that I might be her father. As the year went on that thought became stronger and stronger and I really enjoyed it feeling like I was her dad. Right now I'm really taking this news very hard and I'm very angry. How this is going to effect my relationship with her is all up in the air. I still want this, but I'm really not sure how she will feel about this when it comes right down to this. I don't have anything else to say other than to thank all of you for the strong support on this.

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Dec 8 @ 11:08AM  
Being a father isn't all about genetics... if that was the case, there wouldn't be so many bad ones out there. My father left when I was a year old and I never got to know him. You can BE a father to her without having the genes. There are more important parts to fatherhood than that!

Dec 8 @ 11:12AM  
Omg that is the most f*** up thing ever dude, I am so sorry to hear that, That has always been my worst nightmare, Last year I broke off a 5 year relationship a year and a half ago and moved into my own place because the relationship got really. ugly, well in january this year she says shes pregnant. Well a beautiful baby girl came to us in september, I love her to death and she is my new pride and joy. But I also have had feelings that she might not be mine and I am also gonna get the test done in a week or so because our relationship is over again( I tried to make it work after she was born). I dont know how I will feel if she is NOT mine.

Dec 8 @ 11:15AM  
Hang in there Straddle.

Dec 8 @ 11:17AM  
hey man i feel your pain...let me tell you...sounds like SHE wants you as a dad as much as you wanted it......i dated a woman off n on starting in 84' who had/has a little boy....he n i bonded and it slowly surpased hers n my'm also friends with his bio father wich didn't hurt....he lives 30miles up the road cause he came to visit in need of some help almost 10yrs ago..married a local gal...his mom (nut job) is 6hrs from here somehwere in KY....and his bio dad is in cincy...soooo ....whatever the bond between some's more then what he has for both the bio parents based on how our relationship formed point you ask? you could well be on your way to building just such a relationship..and IF she still wants to be part of your life n your family it might tell you something......

food for thought...lots of bio parents don't do whats best...and lots of youngsters need that firm loving guidance......think it over,...n keep us posted...

Dec 8 @ 11:28AM  
I am sorry to hear that BRO! But i agree with Romantic Fool, Fatherhood is not only genetics. Its the inner feelings that counts. Hang in there and Dont let a relation go because of that mail. Genuine feelings are hard to get over with so dont try. And relations that have genuine feelings cannot be broken with a mere mail or genetics.

Dec 8 @ 11:33AM  
sorry for the news straddle and hang in there. just tell her how you feel and let her make the decision.

Dec 8 @ 11:37AM  
How does this change the relationship with your daughter?

Let me tell you a little story. Just like all daughters, Giggl_Sprite had a love-hate relationship with her father. He did things that drove her crazy, and vice-versa to be sure. They had their share of fights but not more than any other father-daughter team in America, and he was always there to look out for her in the way he thought was best. When he passed because of brain cancer a few years ago it was the saddest day of her life. She still misses him deeply.

And he wasn't her "real" father.

Gods below I hate that term. She'll be the first to acknowledge he took care of her, loved her, treated her well and helped to give her the social tools that brought her up in the world. How dare someone use the term "real" like that?

Man, I know it's rough, but you need to talk with her and lay it out. That if the two of you are to have that father-daughter relationship that it's something you'll cherish always and that you'll do your best...but that relationships are work and that means that you'll always both have to put foward the effort, otherwise if she isn't interested you might have to walk away even though it could break your heart.

I'll tell you this, though. As far as she knows, Giggl's genetic father is still alive, but she doesn't care. In all of these years he's never made one attempt to contact her with so much as a Christmas card. Never even a birthday letter. But as far as her step-father? To this day she still remembers with sad fondness the man she will always call "Daddy."

Dec 8 @ 11:50AM  
There is a huge difference between a bilogical parental unit and a daddy.. you have proven to be a daddy.

I hope that Natasha realizes this and keeps the relationship between the two of you alive.. if not father and daughter.. as close friends.

Hugs sweety.. I'm really sorry that it didn't turn out the way you wanted.


Dec 8 @ 11:56AM  
I agree with what everyone has said here. My best friend is "auntie" to my girls, and when they asked how she could be their aunt, she said she is "auntie" by choice. That relationship is one of the strongest because even though there is not a family tie they know she chooses to love them and that really makes a difference for them.

My aunt is the mother of my heart. She is who I look up to, who I go to when I need advice and direction but she's not my mother.

So all I'm saying is that you both can choose to be whatever you want to each other, and the bond you have will not be defined by blood but by heart.

Dec 8 @ 11:59AM  
Biology does not determine a relationship or feelings. You can have a biological family member who you don’t like or care much for (the way I feel about my father), and you can have “family feelings” for someone who has no biological ties to you (such as my god-daughter – or my niece/daughter and 2 of my grandkids).

My oldest grandson is not my biological grandson; he is my great-nephew. But when my sister died and I took my niece, I became her “mother”. No, I will never call myself that – nor will my niece ever call me that – but she respects and loves me as a mother, and I accept and love her as a daughter. More? My 2nd youngest grandchild is also not my grandchild. But, like my niece/daughter, I took my god-daughter and she became one of my children. Both of these precious young ladies asked me to be their children’s grandma and I accepted without hesitation.

Dads? The man my oldest grandson calls “dad” is not his father. He is, however, the man who was there through her pregnancy and since day one of his life; his biological father has been absent – with the exception of a few rare times he’s wanted to “play daddy”, he has never been around...and the jerk lives in the very same apartments I do! It is our goal to have him legally removed from the birth certificate so that his real DAD will never have to worry about having his little boy taken away from him. More? My sons never knew their dad (save for a couple brief interactions at the end of his life), but they have one in my ex-boyfriend. He’s not perfect – not always the greatest example – but he’s been pretty damned consistent in my kids (all of them, not just my boys) lives. He is one of my 2nd son’s best friends – they currently live and work together, my son feeling so much love and loyalty to him that he refused to attend is biological father’s funeral last year. My son calls him “pops”, and my ex will tell anyone my son is his son, too.

My point is that family ties are NOT made – or made strong – though biology, but through that simply little 4-letter word: LOVE. If you and Natasha want a relationship, it will happen!

Dec 8 @ 12:00PM  
A test is a test....any idiot can pass one.....but it takes a person of true character to step up to the plate you have with Natasha over the last year. Not many men would have done so without knowing if they were her REAL father or not.
If this relationship is something that is important to both of you, and you feel comfortable with it and she's comfortable with it, what's the harm in continuing? Explain the results to her, of course honesty is paramount. But like everyone else here is saying, it's just a piece of paper. Do what you feel is right, and hang in there!

Dec 8 @ 12:04PM  
Sorry the test did not turn out the way you wanted, but you can still be a positive influence in this girls life, from what you have posted in previous blogs I would say she needs a stand up man to be there for her. You don't have to be her genetic father to be there for her.

Dec 8 @ 12:16PM  
Sorry to hear that straddle I can relate on the feelings of not knowing,but it seems as though this girl wants you in her life. The test is just a piece of paper it doesn't determine who has been a "real" dad to this girl. Best of luck to you and I hope you get this figured out...Listen to your heart that would be my best advice.

Dec 8 @ 12:50PM  
I'm sorry. >hug< Hopefully things stay good between you and Natasha. Sounds like you are a better father to her than the guy her mom's with anyways. You've been ther for her when her current father figure was being a complete ass. i know i for one would be honored if i had someone like you as my father. >hug< Stay strong. Hopefully things will turn out good for both You and Natasha.

Dec 8 @ 12:58PM  
Hey now, Raven, you're only 13 years younger than me. Haha Thank you nonetheless.

Dec 8 @ 1:23PM  
I think you have gotten great advice on this blog, follow it and follow your heart, I mean she did reach out to you thinking you were her dad, she obviously needs a dad and you should NOT stop the relationship and tell her that you are proud of her and that you have a fatherly love for her and that you ARE going to be there for her.

Dec 8 @ 3:15PM  
I meant to this a possibility something you discussed while waiting for the results? know my feelings and my advice. Listen to your friends. I'm a fatalist...I believe everything happens for a reason and nothing happens by mistake. There's a reason for this...she will need you in her life, and you will need her. Blood doesn't change that.

Dec 8 @ 3:31PM  
Whatever you do decide to do from here, you've displayed true manliness in all you've done. I'm sorry it happened as it did, but you did step up and be a father, and a man. Not many males can say that, nor can I say that of them!

Dec 8 @ 7:49PM  
you dont have to be blood to be the dad.......

Dec 9 @ 2:04AM  
Biology doesn't make a parent, that much is obvious in the world we live in. I was married briefly and inherited 3 step - children. They were 10, 11, and 13. There were some rocky times with one of them. Now when she and I look back we can laugh about it. My point is that i couldn't love them anymore if they were my own biologial childred. They were included in any activities we were. I was told by many people that i was a better mother to them than their own mom. I did whatever i could within my power, to show them how much i love them. My kids are now 21, 22, and 26. Even though their father and i aren't together anymore, i still talk to them and catch up when i can. They also know that if they needed me i would be there in a heartbeat. From this relationship i have 3 beautiful granddaughters. Only one has learned to talk, and she does call me grandma (you should see the funny looks in stores when she yells "Grandma, where did you go?) I wouldn't trade any of them for anything

Being a "parent" when you're not the biological parent is hard, so be prepared for anamosity if/when you have to tell her no. I know you will always be thinking of her as your daughter, and that's ok. Maybe friends would be a good way to go to
start with. Find out how she feels and then decide what you're going to do.

I think this is the longest comment i've ever left

Hang in there, and if you need to talk you know where to find me.


Dec 9 @ 2:36AM  
Thanks guys for all of your advice, you guys have been helpful and very supportive. It's going to be hard considering that I'm not in her everyday life to keep making an impression on her. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in with this situation. Her being 18 come Dec.23 and her not knowing anything about me till she first contacted me last year on her birthday will be a challenge because I wasn't there while she was growing up. It would have been so great if the test came back the way I wanted it to. One of those reasons would be I would have loved to have someone part of me to be out there in this world. Another reason would be I wanted that forever bond connection with her mom and her, and that would have been "my little family" in a way. Natasha is rebelling and is very stubborn and doesn't like to be told what to do, and has some emotional problems and a little bitter about how she grew up, but we relate well to each other and she's pleasant around's like I bring out the best in her. We also have a bond and we're both very comfortable around each other. I'm sure she found out today after school, but I have yet to hear anything from her. She doesn't have any means of comunications, but hopefully tomorrow with it being a weekend maybe I will hear from here and still let her know all that and let her know I still think of her as my daughter.

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DNA Test Results Came a Bit Ago in the Mail