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If I were president

posted 4/24/2009 9:17:32 PM |
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tagged: humor, canu
  aspiringwriter

CEO's of giant failing companies would only be allowed to
request more gov't money by entering a battle to the death
tournament a la Thunderdome (2 men enter one man leaves)

Congresspersons would have there salaries reduced to $2.75
per hour (only counting hours in session). For their
remaining income, the states would be instructed to place
a 10 gallon drum in a convenient, public location within
the congressperson's district to serve as a tip jar.

Justice Clarence Thomas would be officially declared
"useless" and replaced with Simon Cowell.

All radio stations using the tag line "Everything that
Rocks" or any similar statements would be forced to either
come up with a better tag line or prove that they did in
fact play everything that rocks, under penalty of
having their licenses stripped.

The current titleholder of Miss USA would be appointed as
my press secretary. She would be instructed to answer
every question off the top of her head to the best of her
ability. For any and all follow up questions she would be
instructed to jiggle. This should allow me to operate in
complete secrecy without the public complaining.

The national anthem would be changed from the nigh
unsingable "Star-Spangled Banner" to the song "America,
Fuck Yeah" from Team America: World Police.

A new cabinet level position would be created... Secretary
of the Funk. This Secretaries charge would be to increase
the general funkiness (measured in the SI unit Parliment-
Funkadelics (Pfs) per square-mile) of these United States.
Obviously, the position would first be offered to George
Clinton.

The state of Ohio would be physically moved to have its
northern border abutt Florida's panhandle. The purpose
of this, the largest public works project ever attempted,
would simply be to insure that forevermore America's wang
had the sack to back it up.
Following this:
Orbital photos would be taken. These photos would be
attached to memos marked urgent, which would be sent to
France, every Friday containing the following message:
"Wanna Fuck."

Instead of endlessly politicking and grandstanding, I
would merely start funding the public school system,
especially public schools in impoverished areas. There's
no joke here. I'm just stunned nobody has thought of this
one yet.

The FCC would be instructed to more rigidly enforce
"decency" standards. However, decency would be defined
by redeeming features of the show in question. No more
arguing about which words for penis can and can't be used.
And no more 2 and Half Men... there just isn't anything
redeeming in that show.

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Comments:

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PinkToeNails

Apr 24 @ 9:39PM  
These photos would be
attached to memos marked urgent, which would be sent to
France, every Friday containing the following message:
"Wanna Fuck."

Woo hoo!! Go Sunshine!!! You could in the cabinet!!!

Hmmm.. I have an Extreme song stuck in my head now!!




Congresspersons would have there salaries reduced to $2.75
per hour (only counting hours in session). For their
remaining income, the states would be instructed to place
a 10 gallon drum in a convenient, public location within
the congressperson's district to serve as a tip jar.[QUOTE]

Novel idea


The current titleholder of Miss USA [QUOTE]

I don't really think she's much of an issue!

Good blog! kudo to ya!


PinkToeNails

Apr 24 @ 9:41PM  
damn! fucked my quotes up again!

themama

Apr 24 @ 10:39PM  
RevDocLove

Apr 25 @ 8:04AM  
But I like Two and aHalf Men..It's so ridiculous!
LilGriz

Apr 25 @ 10:41AM  
CEO's of giant failing companies would only be allowed to
request more gov't money by entering a battle to the death
tournament a la Thunderdome (2 men enter one man leaves)

Knowing how CEO's milk and work the system in their favor, they would probably try and get their admin to find a replacement for them, as they consider themselves too important for something like this.

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If I were president