I don’t know whether or not I believe in God. 4 a very long time I had made up my mind there wuz no God; that way back in the day, as the predecessor 2 modern man took his first fledgling steps in2 this frightening new world he wuz discovering, a few of the smarter of the species realized that wuz our race 2 survive in this hostile environment we were going 2 need more than just a little help. It became fairly obvious rather quickly that left 2 his own devices man would exterminate himself and probably everything else as soon as someone caught Grog fucking a goat. I’m sure they tried 2 reason with Grog at first:
Ulak: Yo, Grog!
Grog: (fucking the goat) Kinda busy, Ulak. Come back later.
Ulak: Well…that’s kinda what I wanted 2 talk 2 U about. See…me and the guys have been talking…
Grog: Get Ur own goat.
Ulak: No, no, nothing like that…(clears throat) see we were just thinking…um…maybe U could maybe…ah…U know…stop fucking the goat? I mean…I really don’t give a shit. What U do in the privacy of Ur own cave is Ur business. But it’s my mother-in-law, bro. Every morning she comes out here 2 the meadow 2 collect mushrooms, and the last three daze she’s come home complaining about U humping the wildlife. Hey! 2 each his own, right? Except that she gets all upset and that makes my old lady freak the fuck out and then I gotta hear about it. U see where I’m going with this?
Grog: I’m still not hearing where this is my problem.
Ulak: Well…why can’t U just fuck a woman like the rest of us? All the other guys have wives…well, except 4 Bruce…but he’s always been different. U know that little group of hunter/gatherers we spotted over by the glacier on the last hunt?
Grog: Yeah…what about them?
Ulak: I’m glad U asked. I couldn’t help but notice that a couple of them were women. They were young and healthy and perfect 4 child bearing. The only other people anywhere near the place were all hella fucking old, dude! I’m telling U right now, we could smash in and waste everybody B4 they even knew we were there! C’mon, Grog! Whattaya say we grab our clubs and go get married?
Grog: I don’t want 2 get married.
Ulak: What? Why not?
Grog: I don’t like women.
Ulak: What the fuck? Have U been talking 2 Bruce?
Grog: No.
Ulak: Then Whattaya mean U don’t like women? U ever have one get on top?
Grog: They make me feel dumb. And we always have 2 do what she wants 2 do. And they won’t let me fuck goats. Plus, goats are easier 2 catch and don’t fight back as much. Besides that, I heard they bleed from their asses 4 many moons at a time, but they don’t die…and that kinda gives me the heebie-jeebies.
Ulak: Ok…first of all that’s bullshit. It’s not 4 moons at a time. And…I’m sorry, Grog, I really am. But…U have 2 stop fucking that goat!
Grog: Yeah? (going back 2 fucking the goat) Says who?
It wuz at this point that they realized they had 2 reel this thing in B4 it got out of hand. If the rest of the guys caught wind of this chaos would surely ensue. So, they decided 2 sit down and come up with a rulebook. A guide we could use 2 orient our moral compasses. A simple list of do’s and don’ts that even someone as shit 4 brains as Grog would be able 2 understand. Then they decided that God would be the judge and that Hell would serve as a sort of all-encompassing penalty 4 breaking these rules. It took about six daze 2 finish. Then they clapped each other on the back, shook hands, smoked a Cuban, and posed 4 cave drawings 2gether B4 rushing back out 2 the meadow 2 find Grog happily copulating with next winter’s stew, their copy of The Bible hot off the presses:
CONTINUED...
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| Questioning Faith Part One |
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