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posted 4/17/2009 11:44:08 AM |
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  skyler93671

Body: there is a rumor going around since i left cape that i was in the military again and died overseas. no i'm not in the military again, and no i did not die. i am alive.



i was in the hospital in january because of failure in my central nervous system (lack of sleep, malnutrition and other causes) after my daughter died before christmas. in early march, the pills they proscribed me from when i was in after my daughters death caused and allergic reaction which caused (instability, hallucination, loss of control, light headed, function failure, and all sorts of things) i almost died in the hospital that night and had to take numerous tests on my brain, nervous system, and caused damage that can not be reversed in certain parts of the brain, but i am not dead.



i have recently torn something in my shoulder to where i can't barely use my left arm, and maybe someday if i have the money i will go to the doctor before it' is too late.



since my accident after my daughters death, i have not been the same. i could not explain to the wife what all was going on in my life. i couldn't think. i lived in devistation, and have remained in that state for the past 4 months. everything i ever worked for is gone. everything i have ever prayed for has diminished. i don't know why these things happen in life. my wife is upset and seeing some guy she works with, i guess i can't get mad since i pushed her away. i left all my friends since they were friends with both of us. i really let my family down and never became the person i always thought i would be. it's sad to say the first time my family saw my daughter was when she was laying in a casket, they couldn't make it in time for her birth. i was the last person that laid her down to sleep, and had to wake up, seeing blood running from her ear and tried to revive her.



after her death, i isolated myself from the world. sometimes i just wanted to go to church, and other times i had to sit and drink because i never could get it out of my mind. i lost all hope in this world, and not a day goes by where i don't think about it. i can't even be honest with my family because i live in a world of deceit and pain, hoping someday they will understand why i don't wanna talk about things and that nothing can be said to make me feel better. if it weren't for the few friends i have now, i don't know how i would make it, living in a world of pain, isolation, and feeling alone. these are the days when we need true miracles. miracles that only God can perform. and we wonder how these miracles will happen and when.



i sometimes wonder if i was selfish, or if it's just me that can't see things the way others see them. i guess some people get to a point of no hope and can't figure anything out as if they are too deep into pain that they are drowning. i never learned true pain until i was in the military and losing people all the time. maybe if i would have stayed home my life would have been different, but it's not and i can't change that. i came from a wonderful family, and had great friends, but when did i take the time to do something for somebody else that didn't involve money or getting my rank. all i ever wanted was for somebody to love me, and for it to last. somebody to understand my failures and how they made me feel. losing friends and family, losing football games and all the medals when i just couldn't get enough to be first place. i am a person that picks up all the baggage and carries it with me, which is not healthy.



i can't help but feel like i owe an apology to someone, i just don't know who. i don't know what to say, i don't know who cares, and i sure don't know what helps. all i know is i have been down, and i couldn't keep it in any longer. i just really miss the things i have lost, and i need a miracle of some sort to be in God's graces, and be a child of Christ. I know He is telling me something, I'm just trying to figure out what it is and what really needs to be done. until then i will struggle to do the best i can and i'm sorry for all those i let down.



not a day will go by that i won't think of baby McKayla Gail McEntire.

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