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My daughter wants to have another baby, and get married next month

posted 4/11/2009 9:57:36 AM |
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tagged: daughter, life, straddle

A few days ago my daughter sprung on me that she wanted to have another baby. I asked her if she was hoping for a boy or a girl. She said that since she has a boy she now wants a girl. I was a little shocked since she had some serious problems with cervical cancer. After she had Alex it appeared to clear up with no more problems with it. She was told that her life would be at risk during her first pregnacy because of it, and that chances were that after this baby it's wise no to chance a pregancy again. Late last night she sprung on me that she now wants to get married on May 22 to the man is has been with since last October. She already lives with him and his two small kids. He's her age (20) and has no job. He also quit high school and is now going for his ged right now. He went to court two days ago for a custody hearing wih his ex. I asked Tash who brought this up and she said she did. I asked what was his first response and she said okay. Just an okay. But in all seriousness, I feel like she's making a mistake as far as marrying this guy. I mean, he seems like a nice guy and all, but he's no ready for marriage as for someone who's 15. She knew I was thrown for somewhat of a loop, and that I wasn't too sold on this. The ended up telling her what ever made her happy, that was the important thing. But like I said, I am pretty much against her getting married at this time, especially to this guy. She had so much hopes and dreams about what she was going to do with her life. She was also going to go to college and get a degree in law enforcement before she got pregnant with Alex. Do you think I'm overreacting? Should I offer a little more encouragement to her with this?

On another note, Alex is doing great!

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Apr 11 @ 10:19AM  
im glad to hear Alex is doing good! life is full of chalenges. you cant live life in fear! so be happy for her :) good luck

Apr 11 @ 10:23AM  
Shawn you didn't overract. The man doesn't sound like he can support her or his kids. And that is important to, Yes love means a lot, but can love put a roof over your heads, or food in your belly or clothes on your back for that matter. I know i'd never marry a guy that had no source of income (welfare doesn't count there). You reacted like a father should. I'd react the same way if my son ever told me he wanted to marry someone under similar conditions.

Thats wonderful news about Alex.

Apr 11 @ 10:27AM  
My daughter still comes for me for money trying to make it now. She's asked for money from both her aunts to and now owes them $125. She ask some from her mom and got $40 from her. Her mom wants her to pay that $40 back to. If that's one thing I can't do is ask her pay anything back to me that I loaned her.

Apr 11 @ 10:33AM  
Do you think I'm overreacting? Should I offer a little more encouragement to her with this?

She is a grown woman. A lot of times kids come up with these big plans and when all is said and done, a lot gets said and nothing gets done. I read this post several times in hopes of finding a positive. I couldn't see any. After the tragedy involving Alex, one would have hoped that silver lining in the dark cloud would be her getting her shit together. Instead, she connected with yet another loser.

You always need to love them, but sometimes if they continue to make poor choices, you just have to detach yourself as you did your best and they create their own problems that need not become yours.

Apr 11 @ 10:36AM  
Not at all over reacting ... You are being a responsible father & as she gets older she will realize you are looking out for her best interest & how much you love her .... It will all work itself out over time

Apr 11 @ 11:59AM  
Well comes the old grandma with her hardnose approach from many years of experience with 2 girls and insight with hindsight.

First of all, it's pretty much a sure bet that your daughter is gonna do what she wants to do, with or without your blessings. That makes her no different that a million other kids...and at 20 she is still a kid.

You can talk til you're blue in the face and chances are it will only make her dig her heels in that much more. But there's nothing wrong with letting her know you have major concerns. In a serious talk with her tell her what they are....then let it go. Don't nag on it.

Let her know you love her and have her best interest at heart and you'll be there for her...up to a point. Make that clear...up to a point. It's your responsibility to set boundaries and stick to them. If you don't then you're taking the easy way out for YOU and not teaching her anything except that she can mooch off of others and not have to grow up and be responsible for herself.

Giving her money is enabling her to not take the bull by the horns and solve her own problems. I husband and I did that for far too long with my oldest daughter. When we stopped it was tough to see her struggle but in the end it was tough love in her own best interest.

My youngest daughter occasionally asks to borrow money and if I give her $50 then she does not get another penny until that is paid back. Her and her husband are irresponsible with money and their lacksadasical lifestyle is something they've chosen and it's not MY responsibility to fill in the gaps when they fall short.

My opinion of her having another baby is a harsh one but if she sticks with this guy, he has two kids that will need her and I am thrilled that Alex is doing great but what that little boy has been through, her focus needs to be directed at him.

Under the circumstances that she has been advised against having another baby she is not thinking of Alex. To risk the return of cervical cancer with having another baby the results could cost her her life and leave Alex...and possibly another baby with no mother at all.

If the cancer should return and she survives it, they will find themselves under a mountain of medical debt they may never get out from under. Not to mention the stress of it all.

All you can do Shawn is grab a life jacket and hang on for the ride. Love her, be there for her but don't clear a path for her to easily go down by enabling her.

I look back and all I see is "woulda, shoulda, coulda" and I watched my girls go through hell because I was too weak to take a stand and make them answer for their own decisions and actions.

That's just my ten cents worth. I hope you take it for the good intentions that I meant. Good luck hun....I wish you and your daughter the best.


Apr 11 @ 12:14PM  
First thing happy to hear Alex is doing real good...

Second I'm with Softie on this one..

Apr 11 @ 1:11PM  
Softie pretty much said it all! All I can add is let your daughter know she has other choices that may be better. Glad to know Ales is doing good.

Apr 11 @ 2:52PM  
I am also in total agreement with Softie....and I think you know she is right as well, but regardless of how it turns out, we will be here for you, and weather another storm...


Apr 11 @ 3:05PM  
If my math is right then after the baby is born there will be 6 of them. Welfare can only help so much. There was a program within welfare that helps adults getting welfare go to college. I know this personally. When I used the services it was in 1993, but I'm sure the program still exist here in Ohio.

Apr 11 @ 4:38PM  
Another agreement with Soft.

Damned if you do,damned if you don't. Being a parent sucks...I mean, from the myopic view of someone who's never had a child. Maybe it will work itself out,and she won't go through with it?

Well,at least your grandbaby is okay.

Apr 11 @ 5:02PM  
Glad to hear that the little guy is doing well. Doesn't sound like she is though. She is definitely not making a good decision here and you in no way overreacted in my opinion. Obviously I don't know the entire story about her situation but from what I've read from you it sounds like she's making another bad decision here. Encourage her to be happy but more importantly, encourage her to make the right decisions in her life.

Apr 11 @ 6:52PM  
Shawn I am so glad to hear that Alex is doing well, and thank god. Now about your daughter, are you over reacting.......NOT ON YOUR LIFE!! It seems like she really hasn't learned anything from her experience with the other loser, now she has herself involved again with another with no job!! Actually I think I will just keep my mouth shut, because I can feel my blood pressure rising already, and she isn't even my daughter!! All I can say is may the grace of God be with you!!

Apr 11 @ 9:45PM  
Glad to hear Alex is doing well. I never heard, but I hope Alex's father is rotting in jail. I still owe you a starbuck.
If you give your daughter money you enable her to be irresponsible.

Apr 11 @ 9:58PM  
I've seen this story over and over again. College, a career, etc, are all wonderful things, but also long uphill challenges. A man, if he's good at it, can make a woman feel like when she's with him she'll never have to work hard, never have to climb the socioeconomic ladder herself because she can just ride up on his coattails. Add a baby (or possibly two now) into the mix and it's all the more tempting. I think you're in the right to try and talk her out of it. Hell, where I come from anyone who wants to get married at 20 to someone they've known 6 months is thrown in the loony bin.

But unfortunately you are fighting an uphill battle. You are challenging her to do what is right, and he is offering her the opportunity to do what is easy. The odds are not in your favor. But I'm rooting for you.

Apr 12 @ 12:25AM  
I want to thank you all for your caring and concern, along with advice. Like many of you stated in your comments, Softy is pretty much on target. I too agree with her. Another thing I hadn't mention when I first blogged this was that her mother, along with a few others have told her that they are happy for her in getting married next month. To me they are encouraging her mistake. She was wanting to call me back this afternoon to talk more about it, but she never did, but that's nothing new. lol

Again, thanks to all of you!

Apr 12 @ 9:49AM  
I just couldn't support that decision right now. I can see where she's coming from and can understand why she wants all this, but right now especially in this economy, it's not a good idea at all.

Apr 12 @ 11:01AM  
I am thrilled that Alex is doing great but what that little boy has been through, her focus needs to be directed at him.
This actually was what I was going to say Shawn. But you & I have discussed this too. Softie pretty much hit the nail on the head. I seriously hope she considers what she is up to , but I feel that she would be putting poor Alex in jeopardy he is going to need a lot of 1 on 1 attention the older he gets & another child would only make that more challenging.

I wish you the best of luck on this.

Apr 12 @ 11:27AM  
You have two kids that aren't working, one of them has two children, the other has a special needs child. They bum money off of relatives. Yet she wants to hove another child and get get married. Sorry, Shawn, but that all adds up to her being a loser. If she does have another child, I feel sorry for it.

Apr 13 @ 2:52AM  
Sorry, Shawn, but that all adds up to her being a loser.
I'm trying to keep her from being a loser the rest of her life. I'm also hoping for her to come around to her senses before next month.

Apr 13 @ 9:06AM  
I have to agree with Softie.Wish I could help more. Good luck and hope she does come to her since.

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My daughter wants to have another baby, and get married next month