A drunk stumbles out of a bar with a key in his hand. A cop sees him and says, “Can I help you, sir?”
“Yes! Somebody stole my car.”
The cop asks, “Where was the last time you saw it?”
“It was on the end of this key,” says the man.
The cop looks down and notices that the man’s penis is hanging out of his fly. “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?” the cop says.
Confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and says, “My girlfriend’s gone, too!”
One morning in the office, a man mentions to a coworker that her hair smells nice today. The woman suddenly grows enraged, storms into her supervisor’s office, and declares loudly that she’s quitting and has decided to file a sexual harassment suit.
“Come on,” says the supervisor. “What’s wrong with a guy saying your hair smells nice?”
“He’s a fucking midget!”
A husband and wife are sharing a bottle of wine when the husband says, “I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
The wife thinks for a few moments, then says “your dick is bigger than your brother’s.”
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
A woman and her little boy were walking through a park in New York and they pass two squirrels having sex. The little boy asks his mom, "Mommy, mommy, what are they doing?" The lady responded, "They're making a sandwich." Then they pass two dogs having sex and the little boy again asks what they were doing. His mother again replied they were making a sandwich. A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and father and said "Mommy, Daddy, you must be making a sandwich because, Mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth!!!"
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