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Ok... lemme bring up an incident that just happened a couple days ago...

posted 3/25/2009 10:34:12 AM |
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  somnium

and see what advice I can get, which is what this site is really good for, besides making friends-

A lady friend and I have been IMing each other almost every night (except when she heads out to Hawaii for a month each year) for 11 years now. We met when Love@AOL was popular back then. We talked on the phone maybe three times. She was separated at the time. We physically met once, had some sex. I stayed over night and left the next morning. When we met the first time, we did a few things together like, going antiquing.

Sometime after that, she went back to her husband for insurance reasons but lived separately from each other. He was an alcoholic big time and worked at one of the big 3s. He ran the type of machinery that I service in my own business.

Well, he passed away 3 days ago- I mean, it was coming- we all knew that.

Here's the thing- I haven't mentioned anything yet, but thought I would offer to come up as-a-friend and occupy her time for a couple days or so. She lives maybe a ½ hour to 45 minutes from me.

My question is (for the ladies mostly): when would be an appropriate time to offer to meet up or should I just let her say something?

There isn't any chemistry going on- there wasn't when we first met. I suppose I'll get the "ulterior motive" question brought up but all I can say is, it is possible to be just a friend with the opposite sex ya know!!

Anyway, my question stands- any suggestions here?

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Comments:

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FriendlyKitten

Mar 25 @ 10:48AM  
Well although they were separated, I am sure she probably still had feelings for him. It would be hard not to have feelings for someone that you had spent part of your life with. She probably could use a good friend to occupy her. You said that there would be someone who would bring up the ulterior motive question, You are right. If you are going as a friend, that is one thing, if your hoping to get laid, stay home, she already has enough to deal with.

it is possible to be just a friend with the opposite sex ya know!!
I agree, but by your own omission, you have already stated you have had sex with this lady, so you will never be "just" friends whether you ever have sex again or not.

JMO
loveslife158

Mar 25 @ 10:53AM  
I can be friends with a lady if we share a common passion, but we are humans & the sex thing is always in the air a bit. I would tell her what you just told us not bringing up sex to much. But; what the hell do I know.
loveslife158

Mar 25 @ 11:17AM  
As I said what the hell do I know. However I feel unless this lady is not to bright she knows your available. I think the ball is in her court. What I do know is if a lady whats you for any reason she will let you know. Give her time to find her wings. If it's you she is interested in she will fly to you.
somnium

Mar 25 @ 11:36AM  

FriendlyKitten

I understand what you're saying and I could have left the sex and ulterior motive out of my blog. I have met up with a few ladies over the years from a couple of sites but with the exception of one it was established by email, IMing and phone calls, what was going to happen! The others, I learned not to meet with expectations because more often than not- I would have been disappointed so, IF I meet up with her, I go with no expectations.

BTW, when I stayed over that one night, she slept in her bed and I slept on the couch, But we've been friends since!

I think that I could have met up with her more than a few times between when they separated and when they reconciled, which was about 3 years or so. But, I think it's best to let her bring it up, if she wants to meet up!

somnium

Mar 25 @ 11:42AM  
loveslife158

What I do know is if a lady whats you for any reason she will let you know. Give her time to find her wings. If it's you she is interested in she will fly to you.

I agree and that's how I think- if a lady is interested, she'll let you know- but the situation is, there's no chemistry for sex, for a relationship etc.- we've just chatted for 11 years!

straightup_9

Mar 25 @ 12:58PM  
Just my opinion, but if you have been chatting with this lady for 11 years, then you should be putting this question directly to her....
"Would you like me to come up for a few days?" would answer your question(s) and remove all doubt.......just sayin'...
Cootiesprayer

Mar 25 @ 1:08PM  
or should I just let her say something?
I would. That way you are letting her know you are there & she is free to tell you how she feels about it. Sorry for her loss.
Sunshine79

Mar 25 @ 2:13PM  
Just be honest and let her know that your avaliable for her as a friend if she needs be.
soft_touch938

Mar 25 @ 2:57PM  
By all means let her know you are there for her as a friend. Maybe a little something happened between you two at one point but that seems to be in the past as you've continued to stay in touch and be friends since. I truly doubt that she is gonna think you're looking for anything other than to be her friend...unless of course your ongoing e-mails and IMing has been of a sexual nature. But when you say there isn't any chemistry going on then I'm betting she just sees you as a good friend.

I can't tell you how many of my friends scurried into the woodwork when my husband died. They didn't know what to say to me....they were uncomfortable because of my loss so they just pretty much dismissed me and left me on my own.

If you're truly a friend then offer her your friendship. Tell her you'd love to come and spend a couple of days just talking and going places together to help her through this. Then let her take it from there.

Just remember....when a spouse dies there are a lot of details to tend to. She'll be pre-occupied with those for a bit. It's a month or so down the line when friends are needed the most. Make the offer....she'll let you know when she's ready.
soft_touch938

Mar 25 @ 3:03PM  
I just read your profile....my late husband was born and raised in Flint, MI A huge city that use to scare the crap outta me when we visited his folks there...
onehornytoad69

Mar 25 @ 4:46PM  
I agree with sunshine..and softie....let her know that you are willing, to be there..IF...she wants you too be there!!!
1bunny629

Mar 25 @ 5:39PM  
I agree with Softie.

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Ok... lemme bring up an incident that just happened a couple days ago...