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ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

posted 3/16/2009 1:31:49 PM |
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  swyeter

DAMN! Did not realize I have been gone from AMD so long but I just noted when I logged on that I have mail from 1-23-09. I just received the following today from a friend, if someone else has already posted it in my absence I apologize but I thought it too funny not to share especially since it sounds like something attempted by someone on AMD. Anyone care to “fess” up
.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'No possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor..

A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P. S.... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

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Comments:

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ThePurpleProphet

Mar 16 @ 2:44PM  
Hook that bad boy up to forklift battery and let's see what it does; after all we are men and we need power.
waynuckingfutz

Mar 16 @ 4:22PM  
Hook that bad boy up to forklift battery and let's see what it does; after all we are men and we need power.

Good thinkin - or maybe we can send it over to Tim Taylor to rewire it.
casuallylooking

Mar 16 @ 4:44PM  
First time I ever read this I laughed so hard my stomach hurt and I coudn't see for the tears...
Yeap, Only a man. And I know a few that would most likely try it just to prove someone else wrong.
1bunny629

Mar 16 @ 5:07PM  
Hi Good to See You! That was hysterical!
RevDocLove

Mar 16 @ 6:22PM  
No wonder you're not here anymore...
Your brain is fried
Wordsofwit

Mar 16 @ 6:25PM  
Good to see you back, John.
swyeter

Mar 17 @ 1:58AM  
PP - He's so charged he'd probably fry the battery.

WNF - Think he could wire it for a larger battery?

CL - Whatch you talkin bout, "Only a man"? I'll bet sunshine has some "toys" that carry more juice and leaves her "zapped".

Thanks bunny, actually I may have seen myself testing it on myself before I read this.

REV - Weren't my brain, been looking for my balls!

WoW - Thanks, good to see you're still here.
Lisa46

Mar 17 @ 10:28AM  
I missed you
shoora

Mar 18 @ 10:13AM  
I don't mean to laught at your pain
so plz don't take offence but htis was really funny

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ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS