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Employee Letter

posted 1/31/2009 7:11:43 PM |
1 kudogive kudos what's this?
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Bruce... let me know if this has been posted before! lol

Dear Employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy,
Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of
age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire
Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the
SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced

. Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW
program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once,
SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early
Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or
SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible.
Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives to the
employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring
to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all
the SHIT you can handle.


The Management

Copy & paste to friend: (Click inside box; Ctrl + C to copy; Ctrl + V to paste)

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post a comment!


Jan 31 @ 7:20PM  
Never seen this posted here before but I remember it from somewhere...
I think it was TV GUIDE...

Jan 31 @ 7:30PM  
its a lil old i saw that 10 years ago in a email but its nice to see old jokes never die

Jan 31 @ 7:31PM  
Here is another one. Many of these things making the rounds now/again came out during the last recession.

To All Employees: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for
department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early
retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who
represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel
by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed
into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs
outside the company. Provided they are SLAPPED, they can request a
review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of
Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with
the upper management. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority
Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,
SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to
get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or
CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has
AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse).

As HERPES or CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has
received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the
company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on
board that the company will continue its policy to train employees
through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). This company takes
pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our
employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels
they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.


Jan 31 @ 7:38PM  
Who ever comes up with all these little jokes has entirely too much time on their hands!! But at least we get to enjoy them and get a laugh out of them...... I need a job like that!!!! Wonder if they're getting paid or just bored shitless with good imaginations!!

Jan 31 @ 8:08PM  
I doubt that they got paid. I tend to suspect that they were clever creative types that came up with these things to amuse their colleagues in the same boat after they discovered that they were going to be laid off and then it wound up having a life of its own in cyber space.

One of the first ones I ever saw came from somebody from IBM, that sent it on to me after getting it from a colleague who had composed it.

At that time, a massive layoff occurred at IBM when IBM opted to get out of the PC biz as they were getting their ass kicked in the marketplace by Dell and others. IBM eventually sold that business unit to China and it is now the third largest PC manufacturer in the world, Lenovio (sp?).

As Paul Harvey used to say, "Now you know the rest of the story."

Jan 31 @ 8:12PM  
did you hear about the blonde that sold her car for gas money

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Employee Letter