AddThis Social Bookmark Button
Free Dating

How to Poop at Work (and elsewhere in public)...LMAO!!!

posted 1/23/2009 9:42:18 AM |
0 kudosgive kudos what's this?
    report abuse
tagged: funny, silly, farting
  dmbchick420

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles or walking around and suddenly felt something brewing down below.

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, the following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work:

*CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do his. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.

Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

*FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.

If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

*WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm.

Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

*SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

(WE USE THE HANDICAPED)

*TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

*WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

*HAVANA-OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*AUNT BETTY A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.

This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

***SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF...

The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you pooped.

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam or a drive home in the country.

The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE AND QUIT LAUGHING...POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS.

I THINK IT'S FUCKING HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!

Copy & paste to friend: (Click inside box; Ctrl + C to copy; Ctrl + V to paste)

   read more blogs!

Blogs by dmbchick420:
Man awakes with crochet needle stuck into urethra
A short love story
Should Women Have Babies When They Can't Afford Them?
What is the WEIRDEST email you can recall that you have gotten on here?
~Don't Quit~
Eating Bugs!!!
Getting Revenge
Donate sperm to make extra cash?
The blogs today
Blog pollution...
Why this site?
The Animal Odd Couple
How to Poop at Work (and elsewhere in public)...LMAO!!!
Sex Snafus That Ended Up in the ER
Life Is A Gift
Freaky Best Man Speech
The women here do it too....
Which Would You Choose: Music, Movies, Books, or TV?
Merry Christmas, My Friend
You had me at "beautyful".....LOL!
As I Mature
There is always somebody worse off than you....
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes
Hello...hello...hello...is there anybody in there???
Oh for fuck's sake


Comments:

post a comment!

Lisa46

Jan 23 @ 9:47AM  
Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs
.

Sounds like when I had the flu but you forgot the "Hershey Squirts"
Sunshine79

Jan 23 @ 10:59AM  
Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

This has got to be the worst....then your forced to do a courtesy flush and that's embarressing!
onehornytoad69

Jan 23 @ 11:40AM  
No shit!
lunanegra

Jan 23 @ 12:39PM  
Wheres Straddle to come and rag on Bruce about his "shot gun shits"? I think I seen one that said "machine gun shit" in there somewhere,so I expect both of them anytime now.
paulywalnuts

Jan 23 @ 3:08PM  
How about "The Shit your Brains Out" poop?

(Fantasic Blog)
PinkToeNails

Jan 23 @ 7:10PM  
DMB... you're just talking shit now!!!

That was too funny!!!!
whisperingcomet

Jan 23 @ 8:45PM  
No Shit
zaralyon

Jan 23 @ 8:55PM  
LOL, good one
Looking4ever

Jan 23 @ 11:51PM  
Holy crap...that's funny!

free dating | mission statement | testimonials | safety warning | report abuse | safe list | privacy | legal | 2257 | advertise | link to us

© Copyright 2000-2014 Online Singles, LLC.
OS-WEB02
How to Poop at Work (and elsewhere in public)...LMAO!!!