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Only A Man.....lmao

posted 1/16/2009 2:24:41 AM |
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I know this was posted a long time ago....If I missed it being it being posted recently, I'm sorry. Either enjoy it or don't, but complaining about it isn't going to change the fact that it's reposted..

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I
sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try
this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought
about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What
happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had
never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all
over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be
considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88
lbs . I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!

P.S... My wife, who can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,
and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult...try being stupid.

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Comments:

post a comment!

ynot7769

Jan 16 @ 5:36AM  
NightOfOld

Jan 16 @ 6:29AM  



shyone_4u699

Jan 16 @ 6:47AM  
I don't care if it's a "repost" or not, it still funny. And if one has seen this lil gadget is action, the discription is fairly accurate. Well, to a degree of course. Some women like to comment, and with good cause I might add, about "men, boys and their toys." Some just can't resist temptation
LilGriz

Jan 16 @ 7:10AM  
Don't even think about it....but for my neighbor......
onehornytoad69

Jan 16 @ 7:49AM  
themama

Jan 16 @ 9:29AM  
Lisa46

Jan 16 @ 10:04AM  
Sunshine79

Jan 16 @ 10:18AM  
From personal experience...those fuckers hurt!!!!
max49

Jan 16 @ 10:44AM  
ynot7769

Jan 16 @ 11:04AM  
i can tell ya who's NOT gittin one for a gift
sugarnspice005

Jan 16 @ 12:50PM  
I can't stop laughing!

That was hysterical!!!!
onehornytoad69

Jan 16 @ 1:42PM  
I have a friend thats brother got a job at an New Local prison..and while he was in training... they asked for someone to step up and see how the stun gun thingy worked......Like a Fool... he stepped up and when they zapped his big ass (6'1 250 #)....it knocked him to the ground....he pee'd all over his self..and just laid there quivering, for mins!!!

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Only A Man.....lmao