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I always wanted a Taser....

posted 12/7/2008 3:37:17 PM |
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  straddle_fun

This is something that many of you have probably read before. It is,
however, one of the funniest things I have read in quite some time.

I figure it's good to read it every once in a while just to make sure
you can still laugh....especially given these tough times....


I Always Wanted a Taser....

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
(supposedly) wrote this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with
this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with
only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries, thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as if to say, 'don't do it dip-shit,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure the Incredible Hulk ran in through the side door, picked
me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
burst would be considered conservative. Apparently I drained those two
little AAA batteries.....

*(^%#@, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I soiled myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

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Comments:

post a comment!

Blueyesprkln

Dec 7 @ 3:48PM  
I had read it before, but it's always great to read again. Funny thing is .........I could still see my ex doing the same thing. I only wish I had been there to see it with my own eyes. I would've laughed my ass off.
StraddleMyNose

online now!
Dec 7 @ 3:48PM  
I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.

rnj1013

Dec 7 @ 3:56PM  
ever been tased? it dont tickle (altho it is funny to watch someone else gettin it)
onehornytoad69

Dec 7 @ 4:06PM  
DarkKnightWalking

Dec 7 @ 4:13PM  
Laugh every time I read it.

(especially since I got some friends that would try that shit. )
theSkwirl

Dec 7 @ 5:21PM  
Wonder if I could rig that to a pocket pussy and send it to my ex?
Sunshine79

Dec 7 @ 6:26PM  
Owwwiiiiieee!!!!!

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I always wanted a Taser....